Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay out overnight on a Sunday

30 replies

ChildvMum · 06/07/2025 09:35

6 months ago I bought tickets to an afternoon & evening event on a Sunday. I have 2 secondary school age DC & their Dad (my exH) was going to look after them as they are usually with me overnight in a Sunday. He then decided to go on holiday over that time & I arranged for the DC to stay at their Grandparents who live locally. On the Monday morning they’ll get up & go to school from there (which is a very short distance).

My eldest DC has twice now argued with me for over half a hour saying I shouldn’t have arranged something for a Sunday night as I know they don’t like being away on a Sunday night. This is as they don’t like taking all their things for school to another house (which they do without complaint once a week on another night) & being at my house on a Sunday night sets them up for the week (mine was the main family home & all they remembers).

I do know this and this will be the first (and currently only planned) time this will have happened this year. Also over the 2 week holiday this will be the only night away from me.

The tickets are for a one off event with 6 out of about 8 acts that I’m really keen to see. It is far enough away that I can’t get back before they need to be in bed & I decided to take time off work so I could extend it to have time away on Monday daytime but be back for the end of school on Monday.

My youngest DC isn’t too bothered but did also argue with me briefly after the eldest DC complained to them.

Context- ExH left years ago & it is amicable, DC split their time 4nights me / 3 nights Dad. He goes abroad on holiday a handful of times a year & then I mostly look after the DC but they go to local Grandparents for any existing commitments I have. They have a good relationship with Grandparents & see them at least weekly for an hour or so. Grandparents looked after them for a day a week before they started school.

YANBU - a parent is allowed to do something for themselves occasionally even if it puts out their child

YABU - the wants of a child always come before a parents

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Shenmen · 07/07/2025 23:03

ChildvMum · 07/07/2025 19:29

I do see what you are saying.
I didn’t want my DC to not live with me 100% of the time but I didn’t have any choice in that.
They actually asked to go to both parents each weekend rather than EOW so they don’t seem to be trying to minimise the changeovers.
I try to make the best of a sub optimal situation.

I think you are essentially saying you understand where they are coming from but that shouldn’t stop me going in this one instance. I totally agree with this. I am happy to empathise that it isn’t ideal but the level of objections was not proportionate in my view.

Show quote history

Yes, in think you are getting it right. I agree the level of objection was unreasonable. My DD is 15 and she can be downright awful if you dare to say no to her. Obviously I still do!

I find it I can hold it down and not snap (not always easy) and giver her time to absorb the info she can sometimes come round once she has calmed down. Obviously this is when I'm on it". Annoyingly I find it so rude I react and then it spirals.

Original poster
ChildvMum · 07/07/2025 19:29

Shenmen · 06/07/2025 12:22

To be honest I get their point of view. They already have to live in two different houses through non choice of their own. Absolutely no shade on the fact that you've got divorced but the reality is that they do have to, every single week, move to a different house I personally would hate this.
So then they have to spend another night no choice of their own somewhere else.

I would still do it and I would still tell them that's what's happening but I understand their frustration.

Edited for shit spelling.

Edited

I do see what you are saying.
I didn’t want my DC to not live with me 100% of the time but I didn’t have any choice in that.
They actually asked to go to both parents each weekend rather than EOW so they don’t seem to be trying to minimise the changeovers.
I try to make the best of a sub optimal situation.

I think you are essentially saying you understand where they are coming from but that shouldn’t stop me going in this one instance. I totally agree with this. I am happy to empathise that it isn’t ideal but the level of objections was not proportionate in my view.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildvMum · 07/07/2025 19:16

Coffeeishot · 06/07/2025 12:10

Teenagers sometimes can't see past themselves annoyingly it is a developmental thing, so just pushing back because they feel out of control, you just need to skim round it and try and not pander too much.

I definitely am not going to change plans.
I should have nipped the conversation in the bud more quickly. The first was in the car though so it wasn’t like I could walk away although I could have attempted to change the conversation.
I think I need to try the ‘we’ll have to agree to disagree’ line more often.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildvMum · 07/07/2025 19:12

pizzaHeart · 06/07/2025 11:35

Don’t feel guilty at all, I tend to fuss over DD for every little thing but even I can’t find a flow in your plan.
I suspect they are at the age when they are able to be very vocal but still selfish and not very considerate. It won’t be long (for this issue ) as they will be able to stay on their own soon.

My eldest used to be very considerate. I’m hoping it’s a stage!
It feels a long way off that I’d leave them
overnight but then again time does seem to go very quickly with kids.
They did make that point though. That I can do all I want when they’ve moved out. I don’t feel I should completely put my life on hold till then though.

OP posts:
Shenmen · 06/07/2025 12:22

To be honest I get their point of view. They already have to live in two different houses through non choice of their own. Absolutely no shade on the fact that you've got divorced but the reality is that they do have to, every single week, move to a different house I personally would hate this.
So then they have to spend another night no choice of their own somewhere else.

I would still do it and I would still tell them that's what's happening but I understand their frustration.

Edited for shit spelling.

SeaToSki · 06/07/2025 12:18

DC of that age need to suck it up. You are a human too and deserve some time to enjoy life/yourself.

I would be having a serious conversation with DC about why they felt that their wants superseded yours and asking them to reflect on the self centered nature of their complaints.

itsgettingweird · 06/07/2025 12:14

I would direct them to their dad who changed his arrangements to go away and get them to tell him that they don’t want to stay at his parents as they’d arranged to stay at his.

Why should you always come last to his holidays and miss 1 night way for yourself?

Coffeeishot · 06/07/2025 12:10

Teenagers sometimes can't see past themselves annoyingly it is a developmental thing, so just pushing back because they feel out of control, you just need to skim round it and try and not pander too much.

SpacedOutOut · 06/07/2025 12:10

So it’s fine for their dad but not for you!? Sod that! You need to start going away a bit more often!

CountryQueen · 06/07/2025 12:02

Little shits guilt tripping their mum. You do enough for them, go and enjoy yourself without an ounce of guilt. One day they will understand

pizzaHeart · 06/07/2025 11:35

Don’t feel guilty at all, I tend to fuss over DD for every little thing but even I can’t find a flow in your plan.
I suspect they are at the age when they are able to be very vocal but still selfish and not very considerate. It won’t be long (for this issue ) as they will be able to stay on their own soon.

Rooroobear · 06/07/2025 11:24

It’s one night. I’m sure your child will cope. It’s tough, you’re the adult and the mum.

Original poster
ChildvMum · 06/07/2025 11:08

Zanatdy · 06/07/2025 10:58

It’s one night, they are out of order laying on a guilt trip. You planned it without the knowledge their dad would book a holiday. Either way though they’d have to stay out anyway if they normally stay with their dad

To all the posters saying I should not feel guilty - thank you.
My gut feeling was that this was true but it’s nice to hear it.

I’ve quoted this poster as the point it that they would normally be with me Sunday night which seems to be the crux of the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildvMum · 06/07/2025 11:06

Moonnstars · 06/07/2025 10:52

It's a one off event. They are secondary school age. They shouldn't be dictating to you how you live your life. I expect you have already explained to them it is a one off event, that your originally planned for them to be with their dad, but that plan has fallen through so the grandparents have kindly offered. No more discussion over it.
Why is the eldest so adamant they need to be at home? Is there something going on with them?

Don’t think anything going on.

Hard working at school, got friends, does (and wants to do) quite a few extra curricular activities. Not in the crowd that are going to parties drinking & vaping.

Did have their brace tightened in the week which initially hurt.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 06/07/2025 10:58

It’s one night, they are out of order laying on a guilt trip. You planned it without the knowledge their dad would book a holiday. Either way though they’d have to stay out anyway if they normally stay with their dad

oceanaus · 06/07/2025 10:56

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I know they are ‘children’ but they’re being quite unfair to you and trying to make you feel bad. They’re staying with grandparents, just around the corner and will be taken to school as normal. Without sounding harsh, they need to get over it. Go and enjoy yourself

Original poster
ChildvMum · 06/07/2025 10:55

midgetastic · 06/07/2025 10:46

have they told dad to cancel his holiday ? Ask them why not

I did ask that. Apparently as he’s always been away that is what they expect. I asked if it would be ok if I did that and they said no.
I have been away without them but only ever for a long weekend (& once for longer when their Dad took them away).

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildvMum · 06/07/2025 10:53

DurinsBane · 06/07/2025 10:45

How old are the kids?

Both secondary age but not done GCSE’s yet.

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 06/07/2025 10:52

It's a one off event. They are secondary school age. They shouldn't be dictating to you how you live your life. I expect you have already explained to them it is a one off event, that your originally planned for them to be with their dad, but that plan has fallen through so the grandparents have kindly offered. No more discussion over it.
Why is the eldest so adamant they need to be at home? Is there something going on with them?

cestlavielife · 06/07/2025 10:52

It is a one off
They allowed to grumble but they will survive

Coffeeishot · 06/07/2025 10:50

ChildvMum · 06/07/2025 10:42

Thank you.

I thought I could get them to see my point of view. In the past I would have been able to but not so much now.

I have offered to help pack but my eldest declined.

Let them get on with it .

Coffeeishot · 06/07/2025 10:50

You know children/teenagers need to suck it up sometimes you are allowed a life. Your eldest can easily take their school stuff with them and adapt. Stop feeling guilty it isnt the end of the world.

midgetastic · 06/07/2025 10:46

have they told dad to cancel his holiday ? Ask them why not

DurinsBane · 06/07/2025 10:45

How old are the kids?

Original poster
ChildvMum · 06/07/2025 10:42

Thank you.

I thought I could get them to see my point of view. In the past I would have been able to but not so much now.

I have offered to help pack but my eldest declined.

OP posts: