To feel ‘less’ of a mother when you have one child

I have a 12 month old, who apart from never sleeping through the night and being a bit clingy has been quite an easy baby.

Also have an incredibly supportive DH, who has supported me to become a SAHP, so no worries about work for the next year.

I am still bloody exhausted. How the duck everyone else manages is beyond me!

I'm not less of a mother, but I can admit there are some absolute troopers out there.

I only have one child, but he tells me regularly that I'm the "mummiest mummy in the world" 🤷‍♀️

No matter how many children you have there will always be a negative comment about it from someone. Being "less of a mother" isn't down to how many children you may, or may not, have, it's all to do with how you treat them. DD tells me that I'm a great mother and her opinion is the only one that counts.

As soon as you get pregnant you have to switch off to what other people say. Parenting is the biggest competition we ever unwittingly enter. For every time someone has made you feel less of a mother for having one, as a mom of three I guarantee I’ve heard different nonsense. This thread is a prime example! If I listened to mumsnet on this subject, I’d hear I’m spreading my resources too thinly, it’s chaos, I’m a drudge, I’ve lost my freedom. Wrong on all counts, but what difference does it make to me what others think? The only thing that matters to me is the happiness of me and my family.

No, it's a matter of choice. Excluding multiple births and circumstances outwith the mothers control. Embrace it.

Well I am allowed to have my opinion and I actually think people who choose to have 3 children are selfish. But I keep these opinions to myself. Obviously having 3 children is harder than having one, so there's no need for OP to be bothered or insulted about it.

How is being rude about people with 3 kids any different to what the OP has posted about people behaving badly towards her for having one child?

This thread should be about supporting people’s choices and circumstances, whether they are the same or different to our own.

A woman I manage said her husband commented how people with one child can’t complain. I just laughed it off (that kind of comment doesn’t bother me). I think people can complain about anything - if you don’t have children it’s selfish. If you have one it’s very sad as they don’t have a sibling. If you have two and they are both one gender then it’s a shame you never had the other. If you have three or four you have too many, sucking resources dry and find a hobby.

I couldn’t be bothered - I will have exactly as many as I choose and am in no competition with anyone else.

Really? I have 4 and people often tell me it must be easier for me as 4 is easier than 1 apparently so seems different people say different things depending on who they are talking to I always get told her easy I must have it. My sister has one and she would often tell me how much harder her life is!

I think this is about your own insecurities than anything else.

Of course having one child is easier than having 3, at least in the early years.

Personally, I am happy with just the one. It's partly selfishness, my baby is only 1 but I am already back at work, the gym, starting to go out here and there (rarely but still). I didn't realize how selfish I am and how much I need my own space before i had my son. But at the same time I'm a perfectionist and have an anxious personality and I've thrown myself completely into motherhood to a point that it was quite damaging. I love him.more than anything and I give him absolutely everything I've got. I really do. I couldn't cope with 2.

Of course, there are outside factors too. Our families are not around but they'd be useless anyway. Everything is on me and my husband.

Pregnancy was horrific for me. Nothing I could do to prevent just how sick and disabled I was. By 32 weeks I couldn't leave the house because 1) I couldn't move because of severe PGP and 2) I was still vomiting 3x a day. Then I also got a liver condition which had to be monitored every few days until I gave birth. So that was fun. Not doing that again.

I just think I wasn't built for multiple children 😅🤣

Parenting is a relationship, not a job and all that matters is the strength of each unique relationship with each child you have, however many you have. Being a positive, safe parent and enabling and supporting them to develop to the best of their abilities is the way to judge your 'worth' as a parent. I have one child and once she's an adult I'm sure she'll weigh up my parenting and her judgement is the only one I care about. I hope, on balance, she recognises I tried my best and made her childhood as good as I could.

I've only had one husband too. We've been married nearly quarter of a century and over half my life. Doesn't make me less of a wife than someone who has married multiple times. It's just a different experience

Parenting is a hard gig and I think there are pros and cons when you have 1,2,3 or more kids

We all have different bandwidths and stress tolerances.

I was pretty sure that one was the most I was capable of being a good parent to, and even with one I struggle with overwhelm. So I stopped at one.

I know objectively one is easier, but I’m also sure that our experience of what is easy/hard in parenting is informed by our own personal capacity. It’s totally likely that I find parenting my one child harder than some (not all) mums find parenting two or more.

I’m not less of a mum, I’m just a different person, that’s ok.

i’ve got one child and sometimes feel (or made to feel intentionally or unintentionally) that i’m not a ‘proper mum’. Someone even ‘jokingly’ said that to me once. So I get you. I know i am a proper mum, and my life is very busy in other ways so at times Im more tired/frazzled/time poor than my friends with 2+, but I still have a sense that I don’t understand children or motherhood as much as others with more do, I feel this way at the school gates or functions mainly. BUT I am quite an insecure person and worry about how i’m perceived so this probably doesn’t help any exaggerate slights that may or may not be there.

It makes sense that in general it gets harder the more DC you have. It doesn’t make us parents of one any less parents, or that we can’t struggle.

Again, your experience is not the same for all, you children are not the same as everyone else’s and your situation isn’t, We can’t possibly know how hard or easy life is for others.
I have a friend with 4 kids, v wealthy family, she doesn’t need to work, but does bits from home with the family business, dad works from home too, can choose their hours etc, both do pick ups/drop offs. They have a great nanny, the kids are pretty feral as in the mum is extremely laid back, but they’re easy kids.
Cut to my friend whose husband recently met someone else. She’s a single parent working all hours, no extra help, her Ds is lovely but has lots of extra issues he needs help with and is extremely demanding. She has to constantly arrange play dates and activities to keep him entertained, all whilst she’s utterly exhausted. Mum of 4’s kids generally are off somewhere in the garden or house or pool all playing together or keeping each other occupied

Who would you say had the harder life?

A mother is a mother, no matter how many children they have. Let’s as women support one another instead of constantly judging or thinking we are better/have it harder etc etc…you just never know!

So don’t have three! It’s not compulsory!

Well 1 is very easy compared to 3!

Comparison is always the thief of joy.

I have 3 children, my friend has one. I have to say I have never ever judged her as less of a mother. She’s an awesome, fully present, fun mum and friend. Our experiences are sometimes different, sometimes the same, as with almost anything!

if anything I sometimes feel inferior because she is so on top of everything in her child’s life while I am generally always forgetting something, often distracted and feel guilty that I could have done more for each individual child. I would say I definitely have more regrets with my parenting.

Respectfully, so why have another? I had one child because it was obviously going to be easier. I’d rather have an easier time parenting and have more time and resources for the other parts of my life than have multiple children and be able to compete in some form of competitive tiredness Olympics.

Own your life. Let them own theirs. Never felt like this. If they're snippy, into competitive race to the bottom, bat their choices back to them.

You may find that as your child gets older they may subconsciously gravitate to making friends with the other only kids.
This had happened to me. There’s a gang of ‘only girls’ in DDs class, they are very happy kids and no one mentioned ‘just having the one’ as we are all in the same boat.

I remember a colleague telling me "1 is a hobby" I was so annoyed for a long time ( I know she'll.say something this time too as I have 2,but she has 3) my 2 maternity have coincided with her last 2.

But honestly we are all just negotiating and battling different things. We are all mammys and should support each other

That's ridiculous. You sound like a really good parent.

I know lots who aren't very good at parenting one and then have another and wonder why they are no good with 2 or 3!

Not less of a mother, but a mother having a different experience. I didn't realise how easy it was having just one until I had two. It definitely didn't feel easy at the time. I was exhausted at times. Then with two I found out I could get even more exhausted. Naptimes, making food, clearing up, juggling schedules, everything I fretted over as a first time mum became harder with two opposing sets of needs.
I do look at my friends with one and think why are you making such a fuss, you only have one to sort, you get so much free time with one parent free, but then I remember I was them once too and it's only by going through it having two plus that you can appreciate the experience of one.