To feel ‘less’ of a mother when you have one child

IME when people with multiples spout shite like “you don’t know what hard is” yadda yadda it comes from a place of green eyed envy. That’s a them problem OP.

This!

what you describe OP sounds like hell on earth….. why would you want that?!

one and done thanks.

Absolutely not. My DD was a very difficult child and I was exhausted bringing her up, so much so that it put me off having more children. She's 13 now and although her behaviour is much better, I've now got the teenage attitude to contend with. Anyone who says it must be easier with one child is deluded!

I haven't seen this as a widespread attitude. I think it might be more that some people seem to thrive off a certain competitive tiredness/busyness.

We had a couple of friends like this - before we had kids and they had one they told us how we just wouldn't understand xyz until we had them (ouch as we'd been having fertility problems for a while!). Then we had our first and thought that line of conversation might peter out a bit, but no - they then had their next, and again, we simply couldn't imagine how much more complicated/tiring etc. things were with two...

I think it's a general personality trait - some people are like this with work. Things are always "manically busy" for them and they need to tell you about it rather than just getting on with it!

(Side note - I do actually like people, contrary to what the above might suggest 😅)

I don't think that I'm any less of a mum, no, but I do accept that because I've "only" been pregnant once and have one child then I can not contribute much when it comes to conversations around births being different, sibling logistics, travel arrangements etc because I don't have any experiences of it so I am inevitably left out of these conversations sometimes with (factual) comments along the lines of "you wouldn't know as you only have one" which does sometimes hurt, but that's on me.

I now live abroad and have been asked a lot more often outright why we only have one child and if we are having another whereas I found people in my area of London were less obviously nosey as to why we only had one, and/or knew that we only had one because I had chemotherapy when my son was a baby which led to an early menopause so it isn't a "lifestyle" choice to only have one, even though most of the time we have made peace with it.

I’m shocked and disgusted by this but sadly I can sort of relate to it

the worst part you mention are the sludges that kids have each other - I had this as the only only child in my group of peers - they all went round the group saying

“I like Helen” (their sister) and I like Peter ;brother) and then slyly - “oh look MuchTerraine doesn’t like anyone!”

very hurtful

imagine if you’d said “well at least my child is independent and not attached to their siblings coat tails!” Would love to see their faces!

I actually don't feel like that. I do occasionally come across people who seem to judge me for stopping at one, but they're idiots so I don't pay much attention. Motherhood is bloody hard work, regardless of how many you have. I think I find it a lot harder than some other women, which is why I stopped at one.

I do think having two or more very small children (say 2 under 3, or 3 under 5) is incredibly hard work and while I see the benefit of your children having a playmate a similar age, I also saw all my friends in that situation almost lose their minds with exhaustion and stress. That's definitely harder than having one. But I didn't fancy having that life, so I didn't choose to. That doesn't make me less of a mum, I just know my limits.

Someone told me I wasn’t as maternal as her because I had less children than her. The comment really hurt but then I realised it was just a stupid comment.

Yes it is insulting to the child. It angers me

Why on earth do they judge people who choose to have only child

I have a four year age gap between my two and I must confess I felt the same when I just had my first. I have no idea whether it was something internal or whether I was picking up on how others felt. There is no reason or logic to it at all and I absolutely don't consciously believe that mothers of one are are any less of a mother, but it was a weird sense of self I had then.

Definitely don't feel like less of a mother only having one but I can empathise with feelings of inadequacy. I occasionally see bigger families/friends pregnant with their 2nd and slightly wish I could envisage it for us, but I just can't imagine enjoying it and sometimes we already feel at our limit with one!

Ha. Depends on the kids you have. 2 of my eldest would have been easier than 1 of my youngest, but actually the two together works really well, they entertain each other fabulously.

My mates got four of the easiest kids ever. She's super chilled.

No, get a grip. How can someone be more or less a mother? That's pretty insulting to your child too.

I know what you mean and I have friends/acquaintances who are openly judgemental about people who choose to have one child, but I look at them and honestly pity how fucking hard it all looks. One friend is regularly in tears because she’s struggling with 2 small children (no judgement on any of that, I cry over my one child being a nightmare). She’s a wonderful mum, but I don’t feel like less of a mum than her. I just feel like I’ve chosen to stick with what I know I can cope with.

I have 3. Do I think having 1 makes you or anyone else less of a mother? Of course not. I don't find it particularly challenging on any given day as dh is an equal parent so neither the mental or physical load is all on me. Am I frazzled on occasion, absolutely yes but in general I embrace the ruckus created by my 3, try my best and just roll with it. There is more 'work' with 3 than 1 but so what? It was the choice I made so for me I don't give anyone else's situation much thought (as it doesn't change mine).

You've got to get better at not taking other people's comments to heart. Often, people aren't trying to be hurtful, just musing their own situation out loud whilst not necessarily thinking about yours.

Our value is not measured by the number of children we have and you are no more or less of a mother than anyone else.

Sorry I know my above post wasn’t really the point of the thread but it’s food for thought

All only children I know have turned out to be confident well adjusted and successful apart from one

Basically all the people I know who’ve had problems adjusting to adult life - and they’re now not working or have problems in work or lonely as can’t make relationships etc are apart from one people with siblings - this is no doubt because people with sibs are more numerous in the population in my generation not cos theres anything wrong with having more than one child but still this Still goes against the negative only child stereotype. Truth is. Vast majority of onlies are strong, well adjusted and confident 🙌

Yes, I sort of know what you mean as there is 5 years between dc1 and dc2. I sometimes felt like others thought I couldn't hack being a parent so stopped at 1.

But when I was ready we went for dc2 and I'm so glad as 2 was our number.

Tbh I look at parents to 3+ dc and take my hat off. I know the work that goes into having 2.

You’re projecting as you feel insecure. The comments suggest most don’t feel that way.

This is more about your own insecurities than anything else

I have 3 including a set of twins. As a single parent. Yes it’s hard and on the odd occasion I only have 1 at a time its so bloody easy and a parenting dream.
i don’t consider those with only one child less of a parent but I do think they have it easy in comparison 😂

As you can see from this thread, there’s a lot of judgement made on women with more than two children.
Try not to participate in it. ☺️ you’re happy with your decision and that’s all that matters. Some people will always try to put others down for making different choices to make themselves feel better. These comments are never really about you.

Being a mother is binary, you are or you're not.

I have 4 children and my observation would be that our life is far more child centric than those with 1 or 2 children.

I'm a better mum BECAUSE I only have one. Being tired doesn't make you more of a parent. DS is an only by chance, not design so I get the guilt and comparison to other families. But DS gets more attention, experiences, hobbies etc than if he had siblings. I am fun and present and we do things we wouldn't be able to afford if we had more children.

I have one child and have many friends with 2 or 3 or 4 children. I'm sure it is easier to have 1, in the same way that having 1 job would be easier than having multiple jobs. Of course, there are factors like the level of support you have, the temperaments of the child, that can make having 1 child challenging too, and having 1 child certainly doesn't feel 'easy', but comparatively speaking it usually is. I don't find it offensive at all to concede that.