To feel ‘less’ of a mother when you have one child

Exactly! 👏

If you look at some of the comments on this thread you can see that mums of 3 plus get so much judgment too ‘selfish’ ‘insane’ ‘uncool’ ‘judgemental’ ‘not as good’, almost as if nothing a mum does is the right thing 😅

Yep, there’s just so many competitive mums. It’s ignorant to assume you have it much harder than others because they have less kids. There are SO many factors to this other than the amount of kids you have.

This too! ^

This. ^ So narrow minded and ignorant to say a mum with one child will be much less stressed and tired than one with 2 or 3 children. Unless you walk in someone else's shoes, you know naff-all about them, and have no business saying this.

A better mum than whom?

You are creating that thought in your head. Though perhaps it's been prompted by some daft comments or perspectives you have read.

It's akin to saying you feel less of a human because you haven't gone through XYZ experience or trauma or difficulty. Total nonsense. There are, for example, people out there who will say that a person is "less of a woman" if they haven't had children - which is complete nonsense.

As for multiple children being more hard work: perhaps, though you don't know what you are going to get (usually) - there are plenty of children who have needs/problems/illnesses etc etc etc that are are vastly more "work" than having multiple children without those issues. So, comparing children and situations really isn't helpful.

If you are feeling depressed then seek help.

🤣

🤭 I have 3 and they were all very much planned. I’m not more of a mother than someone who has one child though, if anything you have to entertain them more yourself when you have one. I think it’s disgusting that people have been made to feel this way.

are you deliberately trying to miss the point?

it COULD be the same because that mums 1 child might be completely different in personality and temperament to your 1 or 3 or whatever children.

You also might have no idea about her circumstances or anything.

To be so dismissive as to change the subject because you assume that her life is “not as hard as yours”, when all that mum might want is a bit of a rant to get things off her chest just shows what kind of person you are.

EVERYBODY goes through tough times as a mum at some point, empathy costs nothing.

By the way, you might find that in a few years time the game changes and the mothers/ parents around you stop seeing being tired and busy as a badge of honour. People do actually eventually move out of this stage. Some of them will move on to patronising mothers of younger children, because theirs are older now therefore they know it all and think they are “more of a mother” because their kids are teenagers or whatever. That is just the type of people they are. Some people have to be winning an imaginary contest all the time for their life to feel worthwhile. Other people grow out of the competitive parenting phase when they realise how stupid it is.

Don’t you just want to feel like ‘you’, rather than more like a mother?

I know it’s easier, it’s why I only had one. I have other goals I want to work towards that are not compatible with more than one child.

I suspect some mothers of more than one child do think I’m less of a mother than they are, there have been comments, but equally there are a few mothers I meet who I feel would be well served to get a life outside of being a mother which is an equally ungenerous thought to have so… who cares? None of their business, and none of mine.

There are so many variables that you can't possibly make that assertion with any degree of accuracy.
I have five children aged from 8-19, a mum who helps with childcare and a DH who WFH and does the school run/cooks dinner most days.
Conversely I have a friend who has a three year old, an elderly mother and a very selfish husband. My friend also has T2 diabetes whilst I am fortunately free of health conditions. She is more tired than I am on a daily basis and I would never diminish or doubt her experiences simply because she 'only has one child'

No, don't be ridiculous.

You are no less a mother if you have an only child.
I'm an only child and my mother is and was fantastic and we are incredibly close.
I have five children and it has never crossed my mind that those with less children are in any way lesser mothers.

Like for like, 1 child will be less work than 2 at times but at other times they might be more work as they don't have a sibling to entertain them, but that doesn't make anyone less of a mother and it also doesn't take into account everything else that someone might have going on that takes up their times, causes stress etc.

It's highly unlikely that anyone made them have 3 kids, so it was their choice and now it's their problem. Like taking on a whopping great mortgage for five bedrooms when you only needed 2. How can anyone possibly sympathise with that?

Heartfelt yes to this.

Not in my opinion. Yes, more children bring more ‘tasks’, but I find that so much easier than having to entertain a child. I’d much rather be making more food, doing more washing, driving around more, etc, than having to play imaginative games, or play fighting etc. I take my hat off to anyone with one child. It is tough!!

I'm sceptical of this. My first baby was so, so hard. My second baby is a piece of cake. I would absolutely, without any shadow of a doubt, have found two of her easier going and less exhausting than one of him (as babies - he's mellowed with age!).

So yes - it really does depend on the baby! More babies doesn't automatically mean harder and more tiring.

If people are really judging you based on being ‘less than’ for having one child that is really sad.

I have the one and never felt less than as a mother, but have wondered if I’m depriving him of something on occasion. Though there are so many upsides too!

Son is now 5, Our NCT group bar me and one other are all on 2nd children plus now.
I was worried about school wondering if he’d be the only one without siblings. But there’s quite a few ‘one and done’ mums, and we tend to be a slightly older crew.

I think it’s becoming more and more common to only have one child, as seen by the falling birth rates!
For me it was about, my age (almost 40 now) and being able to afford to give him the very best opportunities. I also think it’s about not feeling split in my focus and being able to give him all the attention and focus without having to balance the needs of other children.
I experience enough working mum guilt now, without that being amplified by splitting focus.

Anyway you do what’s right for your family, if people judge it’s on them, but it certainly doesn’t make you less of a mother!

I hope you get over feeling like this. Great post by the person saying it's not a competition; maybe your life is easier in some ways but I'll bet it's harder in others... and frankly even if it's not, who cares?

You are a parent.

Exactly what I just wrote!

Unpopular opinion:

I don’t actually necessarily agree that having 2 kids is harder than 1. I don’t agree having 4 kids is harder than 2.

You might have 3 kids but a loving DH and grandparents to help, financially able to go part time and find that works for you. Then you might have a friend that’s a single parent to 1 child who has SEN, no partner and struggles financially. She might be struggling more than you.

You cannot just say across the board that you won’t listen to a parent saying how tired they are with 1 child, you can’t possibly make it a competition because you are not living in their shoes

Just my opinion :)

You might work more than other mothers, your child may be harder work or you may have less support.

Everything is relative to everyone.

I have one. Plus a full time job and renovation and health issues and a husband with health issues and no family to help and a very busy child. It's perfectly acceptable to feel tired, even if others make the comparison and judgment that you have it "easier".

I would just distance myself from those that make these unqualified opinions about my life. They sound like idiots and not the type of people I'd consider compatible with friendship.

Enjoy what you have ❤️