To want to kill myself over bedtime

If OPs DS has a tonies box she could record a few stories on a creative one.

Also my second baby has always slept like a dream, so it's so dependent on their personality. It was a whole different experience with my second and much more enjoyable. He's still the easier kid 🤣

@Silvertulips yoto does that. You can record your own. In your own voice.

I have two of my mum reading her favourite stories for the kids

Honestly, I would cut that nap right down.My youngest was REALLY tricky about a year ago (around that age) at getting to bed.It all improved once we cut the nap out, but even shortening it and making sure its early could work perhaps? It does sound like if he is taking so long to settle at that age that he isn't tired enough.
Also, does he have much sugar or screen time near bedtime?
Is there an option of him going in his own room or does he have to be in your room? (Eg: is it a one bed property?) As if he had his own room with a stairgate and wasn't settling when you were up there, perhaps he could play in his room til he was to give you some space in the knowledge that he's safe, and he might then put himself into bed once tired and go off?

Your poor thing. It's utterly soul destroying. I dread to think of how many thousands of hours I've spent in the dark losing my mind, waiting for my boy to sleep. He's five now and better, but was a nightmare baby and toddler. Hours and hours of bedtime every night, got up loads to feed for years etc. I get the feeling, it's awful. If it helps it seems that he's the way he is because he's super bright. He is honestly the smartest kid of his age I know by a country mile. Reading like a kid years ahead and doing crazy maths already. Not saying that to show off but maybe your little one is bright? Mine tells me now that he "can't turn his brain off" and it's obvious that he's always been that way but was unable to express it before. Doesn't help at 9pm after 2 hours of bedtime but I guess it's kind of a trade off?! I still don't know how to calm his brain down but we do lots of exercise and it does help.

I think someone needs to invent story books voiced over by parents! How great would that be?

You lie them down, and ask AI to read the story!

I always say if my 2nd was born first, I'd have been one & done over bed time.

My oldest has always been a dream. Bed time was never an issue. He's 12 and still goes to bed without fuss. (although still likes being tucked in).

DD9 is, and has always been a devil child at bed time. Nothing worked. Screaming, crying, waking multiple times a night until she was 5. She still stalls bed time & gets up multiple times for a drink of water, tv is too loud, needs a cuddle... drives us insane.

Perhaps this is shit advice but the best thing we ever did was buy a double bed for DS. I lay next to him read a book, he holds his little torch, cuddle the teddys, night night etc. I just lay there and read my kindle, if he tries to get up or start talking I just say “time for sleep now” sometimes it takes 15 mins other evenings it takes an hour but I just lay there and read, DH cleans the kitchen. I quite like it really, I’d love it if he fell to sleep himself but he finds it difficult. DS does have ASD though and loves a routine so that kind of helps in a way as well do the exact same thing every night. I totally appreciate that it might not be that simple for everyone though.

Well yes, I do this too. But a lot of people seem to be missing the OP’s subsequent post “newly single mum for context” and I think this might be affecting the little guy that he’s going to need a different approach for now.

So the rich don't have to suffer. They can get sleep consultants and night nanny

I put my kids in their room. Say love you and good night and shut the door. If I hear them just ignore

I remember a friend at work asking me what I did in the evenings, I said ‘I put my son to bed’ and she said ‘what do you do after that?’ And I was looking at her wondering what she was talking about? It took all evening it was a total nightmare and he would be up most of the night too.

bed time was dread time. I remember it well but the only thing is that it does end. He is grown up now and I can’t get him out of the bed.

My heart goes out to you, I know what you are going through x

OP- are you actually feeling suicidal over it? If so, please reach out to GP or health visitor. It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment.

I live in Aus and here we have government funded residential (for parent too) baby and toddler "sleep schools" called Tresillian and Karitane. I wonder if the UK has similar, or wherever you live?

Have you considered paying a sleep consultant for advice?

I used to have absolutely miserable bedtimes before I paid someone to help me. Mine are now double figures age (I did have a second when bedtime got fixed!) and I still use the same techniques now.

The Yoto’s are a good shout. It will get him used to the idea that he can lay in bed and wait to fall asleep.

These are good ideas @Whathaveidoneeeeee

This is your issue - cut it to 30 minutes then get rid.

My eldest can find bedtime challenging. The most helpful thing I've found is to take away bedtime pressure entirely for a while.

So instead of fighting him, we just let him fall asleep on the sofa for a few days. When we think he's forgotten to be stressed about bedtime, we casually stay upstairs and read/play after his bath until he falls asleep. After a couple of days of this, we go back to a proper bedtime routine.

I think fighting bedtime can become a bit of a habit and this works to reset things.

Ah DD was in baby room so they were all under 2. She napped lively there just didn't sleep at home

Agh OP you have my sympathies. It's shit.

I would try cutting the nap shorter 1 hr max.

Reward chart for staying in bed. Stickers are instantly gratifying.

Consider a yoto/tonies for the 'I'm not tired' issue.

We have a yoto for our eldest (5) and it was a game changer for us. We do usual bedtime routine bath/wash pjs on one/two stories read by mum/dad then yoto on and listen to stories and sleep. You can control it from your phone too.

Then as hard as this is going to be...

Return to bed. Every single time. Once you know they are warm dry fed safe etc which you will as part of routine just keep returning to bed. Don't say anything just return to bed. Shut door walk away. I think our record one night was 28 returns in an hour - little sod! But it did work.

You need to claim back some of your eve especially as room sharing so you don't actually ever get a a break!!

Is there a way your child could have their own room? Is there enough space?

Keep in mind that it isn’t a nice feeling for him either, extreme frustration that he doesn't understand. Good luck.

cap the nap, don’t go over an hour. It’ll make a massive difference. My little boy was similar to yours but since capping nap bedtime is soooo much easier. He still needs a bit of reassurance but not much

DD is also 2.5 nearly, and she's much harder at bedtime if she's had too long of a nap during the day. She's in an awkward phase where sometimes she needs a nap and sometimes doesn't, but if she does nap I have to restrict it or she's just not tired at bedtime... the easiest bedtimes is when she's had a great day at nursery and is simply just shattered by bedtime

She also has to say goodnight every evening to the snail on her window because one time there was a snail on the outside of her window, and she said goodnight to the snail. So now every evening we have to say goodnight to the snail. Even though there's no effing snail there anymore lol. Idk, we just let her crack on and she hasn't seemed to have worked out yet that the snail was gone many months ago!

It is difficult for some children to feel secure sleeping.
Co-sleeping is probably the best way for everyone to get a good sleep.my DS is a terrible sleeper, he'd cry for hours at bedtime when younger, he was eventually prescribed melatonin, game change for us after 4 years of sleep deprivation.

DGS 8 takes hours to get to sleep😳 his mum (single parent) settles his younger brother (6) and I settle the 8 year old. He is on pathway for ADHD and am 100% convinced that this is part of his struggle. There is a horrible irony that a child who is bloody exhausting and on the go all day and who (with all love) you desperately need to go to sleep because how exhausting looking after him is! Sleeps less than a neurotypical child! There is sort of evil karma about that really 😡