To want to kill myself over bedtime

My five year old DD has autism and didn’t sleep for four years , I would be into her room minimum eight times a night sometimes she’d get up at 2 in the morning and would play until she fell asleep at 6 am . When she was 18 months I’d sit with my back to the door of her bedroom while she kicked the door and screamed for an hour hitting herself in the face . I’d have to wrap my arms around her and hold her tight so she wouldn’t hurt herself . I’ve never cried so much . Doctor refused to give me melatonin . She only became verbal at 4. The behaviour and sleep drastically improved and she sleeps for 12 hours straight now with only one or two wakings but can settle herself mostly. I have an anxiety disorder and the lack of sleep and worry nearly gave me a breakdown . I survived on about 3 broken hours sleep for four yesrs and I have insomnia now . No magic advice just solidarity❤️

I just gave up and started going up to bed at 8pm with DD, once she's asleep I creep downstairs like a ninja for a cup of tea and usually to take the washing out of the machine! DD also likes to incessantly chat whilst trying to get her to go to sleep..and most recently she insists on me putting two arms around her because it makes her feel safe.. no advice, but solidarity.

Gently, if she's genuinely anxious then you sitting with her every night will just feed that and make it worse. Better to look at some form of gradual withdrawal. With one of mine Id be audibly active upstairs (folding clothes or whatever) with landing light on and his door open, and I'd pop in every few minutes so he could see me. Then over time Id space out the popping ins until he wasn't so anxious about falling asleep alone. I mean, it still took months but I didn't mind so much because I could see light on the horizon.

Yes agree

I used to have this. I cuddle mine in my bed now so at least he’s comfortable and then blow dry him to sleep with my hairdryer.

Yup the nights are the worst. It's absolutely awful when they don't sleep. Really soul destroying

Couldn't disagree more with the last two comments, mine just becomes overtired if I leave it later and bedtime is ten times worse.

A wise person once told me that if your child isn’t drifting off to sleep after 20 minutes of your preferred comfort method eg feeding to sleep,cuddles,rocking etc
they’re not tired enough. Give up. Go downstairs and do a quiet activity together like reading or tidy up.
then try again about an hour later. Saves stress for everyone.

is your child still napping in the day ? Napping toddlers typically have later and later bedtimes as sleep needs drop and as they outgrow daytime napping.
join FB group the beyond sleep training project for peer support and advice that involves no tears.

I never worried about bedtime, mine just went to sleep when tired, stayed down with us in pyjamas until ready.

I know of quite a few friends whom were brought to their knees before they went the cry it out method.
It was tough for a few days but then suddenly it was fine.
The difference in family life and in their well rested children was stark.

Every single one deeply regretted not doing it earlier and saved themselves, husbands, marriages, health, and their children so much stress.

I'm going to be honest and say when she was nearly 3 I found that if I closed her bedroom door she couldn't open it. One particularly horrible night I closed the door and sat on one side and cried and she hammered on the other side and wailed. 90 minutes later she fell asleep. It took 60 minutes the following night and then 30 the third night then 5 and then nothing and I put her in bed and she went to sleep. If she woke in the night I went in and checked she was ok and then went out and shut the door. First night she woke 3 times and wailed for about 15 minutes each time. Second night she woke 3 times but went back to sleep faster and by end of the week she slept through. First time EVER.

It always slipped back if she was ill and I didn't stick to what we used to call Nazi bedtime routine of reading a story, cuddling her, tucking her in and then leaving and closing the door. That would mean me having to toughened up and put her to bed and close the door and listen to her cry for some minutes for a night or two until she settled again.

Before that I had 3 years of being up every hour (every 40 minutes for the first year), bedtimes lasting hours and hours. I tried pat/shush, gentle withdrawal, return to bed... I read every parenting book going. The HV told me to do cry it out, my mum told me to do CIO and I said it would be cruel - until eventually she broke me. Lookng back I don't think it was cruel. She got so much more sleep from the first night and after a week bedtimes no longer made me lose my temper, I got to eat a meal at a meal time, I didn't end up falling asleep on her bedroom floor, I could actually drive safely to work and she got to sleep warm and cosy in her bed after a lovely story.

She is 15 now and remembers nothing about it and is lovely, kind and an utter delight. She still sleeps badly though and will still go through phases of waking me up in the night to complain she is not sleeping until I tell her firmly to stop.

The "we will miss this one day" tripe.

Agree with this. I couldn't be bothered with the bullshit so I didn't engage.

Thanks for the update and so glad to hear it's working out for you now! Sleep deprivation is such a big issue and those whose children sleep well can probably never understand.

Enjoy it while it lasts!

You are a star.
Great job.
In my experience, your method of firm zero tolerance is all that ever worked.

Very tough for a few days, but 100% worth it.

I actually put my babies down awake from newborn stage and it made such a difference.

Teething derailed it briefly but I was determined to be firm.

Sleep depravation is not something I cope with well so self interest kept me strong.

Well done.

solidarity OP. It can be SO infuriating

What I don’t understand from those they say just ignore / return to bed etc - what if you have two kids and one is asleep but the bedtime rogue will undoubtedly wake them if left to their own devices?

Mine are 1.5 and 5 sharing a room. The youngest is usually pretty good at dropping off (haven’t hit the chat back stage yet to be fair!) but the 5 year old can play up loads- sometimes I do leave him and go and tidy downstairs but if he is really wired up and hyper I can tell he would wake the baby/ cause absolute havoc.

No I was merely pointing out the 2 tier system. Who was I meant to be shaming? You are obviously reading so ething that's not actually there

So the rich don't have to suffer. They can get sleep consultants and night nanny

Your words were shaming her

Get on the pipingrock website and order some kid's melatonin gummies.
Seriously.

I haven't RTFT but lavender drops on their pillow worked a treat.

Yay! Excellent news!

I give in as DD9 wakes up too tired for school the next day after a night battle. I may try on a weekend though, if I have the energy.

When ds was that age, I’d sit with him for a while then tell him I just had to put some clothes away in my room, or some books away, or clean the bathroom etc etc and as long as he could hear me moving about upstairs he was fine. To start with I’d only be away 5 minutes but it gradually got longer. I’d walk past his room and say I’m just going to clean / tidy etc etc
This gradually turned into I’m just going to tidy the kitchen etc -and then as long as he could hear me moving about downstairs it was ok.

it took a couple of weeks but I had a tidy house and he gradually got used to falling asleep alone.