To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

Oh dear... I had similar BS with my 'sperm donor', we split up and the 'family court' determined, very much against my wishes, that DS 'had' to go to him every other weekend, he 'couldn't afford to have him' for so long, so I'd send him with a bag of food, nappies, wipes, clothes, all of it. He was too busy smoking weed and entertaining a couple of fked up19 year olds to even bathe DS one time for a whole weekend, when I went to collect him he still had something stuck in his hair from lunch 2 days previous before I'd dropped him off and between his finders was black with gunk off the carpets. DS had no nappy on either, dickhead ex said he thought I'd have brought some with me.................

YANBU. Put a stop to this right now OP, he's shown you who he is 😪

This is so upsetting and disturbing to read.

For me, this idea of weaponised incompetence is someone making a shit cup of tea or washing the dishes poorly so that they’re never asked to do it again.

What this weapon has done today is far more than WI. Even if it was a case of “if I do nothing today, she’ll never go out again”, he was willing to leave a baby hungry, sore, distressed and soiled all day in order to win.

What sort of monster does that?

I would suggest not risking leaving him with him again. He’s neglected basic care needs and doesn’t seem to see the issue with it so he’s unlikely to improve. You don’t need to give up on starting uni. If you’re in the UK student finance do a childcare grant which can cover your son being in nursery whilst you’re at uni.

Having read your most recent update OP, in your shoes I would be on my way to my Mum's with baby right now, and staying there! This useless man/child is NEVER going to be a good dad! He's clearly not a good partner, and he definitely would NOT be good marriage material. Sits there playing games while HIS baby cries!! I have no words! It's beyond abhorrent to me, to leave ANY child like that, let alone your own flesh and blood. Walk away now OP, and don't look back! You'll find a way to deal with everything in time, but please don't subject your baby to being left with this man ever again.

He left your baby sitting in shit for god knows how many hours, and barely fed him. Dogs get treated better. Get angry. This won't get better. And when your little one is a toddler, it could be even more bloody dangerous

@Grantoffs, this is your realisation moment. He’s no good. I’m so sorry :(

Also, he isn’t the kind of man who will fight
even for every other weekend. I’d bet £1,000 on it. He will only want sporadic contact. Nothing involving actual care and thinking of anyone other than himself.

Gaming and being a skank will be more important to him than parenting. He’s just not interested.

It’s not that surprising if his own mum wasn’t around and his dad didn’t step up to do the emotional heavy lifting. He sounds neglected but it is not your job to fix him - you can’t. Don’t even try- a total waste of energy you could be expending on your lovely kid. And yourself.

Its quite liberating only having to look after one child, and casting the man child adrift. You’ll suddenly find you have much less resentment, and much more fun.

He might want it but considering he can only be arsed showering himself every 2 days and can't be arsed at all with changing nappies, I doubt he'd be arsed enough to sort it.

You poor girl.
Tell your mother the truth.
This is a waster that couldn't care less about his own child.

Contact the university to see if they can help but this loser is not to be depended upon.

He neglected that baby. Unforgivable.
Take photos of the babys bottom.
You may need them.

think I have misread that someone suggested leaving baby with him again. I’ve reread and see that it was a suggestion to leave baby with someone else that you trust , so you still get some time to yourself.

im sorry thats my mistake. Didnt mean to misrepresent the other posters x

I agree with this @Grantoffs
im so sorry you and your son went through this. In my mind you have nothing to lose but to ensure that he learns every single thing. If he doesn’t like it or moans - then you split up… but sounds like you’re heading this way anyway. So you might as well kick his ass with a chance that he learns and gets something out of it and starts to enjoy.
Get really firm, not teary but quietly furious and say - this is what we are doing and you’re going to be a father and learn to look after your son or I’m going to leave you. And you do not give up - he does every nappy, makes the food, feeds, cleans up, baths. Definitely show him this thread. Horrid horrid man.

@Grantoffs ok you’re panicking and you’re upset.

What is your next step. You’ve had some great advice here. What are you going to about this situation?

True. And hopefully. That would be the best outcome here, I imagine.

Well you have two options, you can leave now, or you can sit him down and have a very serious conversation with him about why what he did is a massive problem and give him a chance to do better.

Or I suppose a third option could be that you do all of the childcare and give up on the idea of uni for now and never leave your child in his care again, but please don’t do that.

insisting he do all childcare tomorrow

Why on earth would the OP put her helpless baby through that two days running? This man has shown he shouldn't be allowed within 10 feet of a child. @Grantoffs needs to protect her baby by getting him far, far away from this scumbag.

True. And hopefully. That would be the best outcome here, I imagine.

@Grantoffs OMG OP, I'd be incandescent with rage if I came home to this and I'm so sorry you've discovered you have a selfish, useless man-child as the father of your child. This is what I'd do:

• Go out again, but maybe only for a couple of hours (tell SUM-C you'll be gone longer)
• Leave him a very detailed list of everything he must do for/with your DS while you're gone
• Disconnect the router box and take it with you - leave a note in its place saying "So you don't get distracted by gaming and you take care of our gorgeous son in the way you should"
• When you return (earlier than you've told SUM-C) try to come back in quietly (maybe even park up the road) so you can she what he is/is not doing for/with your DS.

Another consideration @Grantoffs is that if you did ever leave him, he might want shared custody and then you have zero oversight of how he is treating your child when you're not there.

I really hope you can somehow get through to him if you can sit down and have a serious chat about it.

How old is he?

Your update is miserable, OP.

Let me put this in plain English - your baby probably spent 95% of the time you were absent in that bouncer, hungry, soiled and wondering where his Mummy was.

Children die in these scenarios. Literally die because a feckless parent can’t be arsed to care for them.

I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, but you need to realise how serious this is. Tell someone in real life because you can’t possibly start uni and rely on this waste of space. If a nursery done this, people would tell you to call the police. This was criminal neglect today, nothing less. Don’t let that useless cunt you’re partnered to play this down at all.

There are about 50 women on this thread that would probably rip his throat out tonight.

This is absolutely appalling , I’m so sorry for your poor baby. And for you, because I bet you feel horrible that your baby suffered this way.

Let’s call this what it is. Child neglect. He has neglected his vulnerable child’s needs for a lengthy period of time.

if this were me, I would tell him to enroll on a parenting class (there will be one local to you, either run by a local children’s centre or he needs to find one privately). I would not be living alongside him until he had done this and offered a meaningful and genuine apology for his neglect of the baby, as well as demonstrating to you his knowledge and insight of the needs of the baby- as learned in said class.

And I would expert him to leave the family home, rather than me leaving with the baby, until this happened- course completed and meaningful change and insight demonstrated.

If he refused to do this he could fuck off and keep going. Good riddance. this is itself would tell me that he doesn’t care and is not willing to try to be a decent parent.

but honestly, does he actually not know how to care for the baby or is this weaponised incompetence? If he does badly you won’t expect him to care for baby or leave him in charge of baby. It’s a tactic and it is sadly common.

I don’t agree with you leaving the baby in his care again to make him buck his ideas up. This would be risking the baby’s wellbeing by leaving them with a neglectful parent and is not appropriate.

MIL did this once and I was raging. Sore bun for over a week after for my poor baby. I would throw thr book at DH if this happened

As others have said weaponised incompetence. If you do a crap job you won't get asked to do it again. Is he confident around the baby? I know you think you are being helpful setting everything out for him but doing that means he doesn't need to learn and just assumes you will deal with it..it's ridiculous that he has a 9 month old and wouldn't know where to find the things to look after his child in his own house. Is he happy about you going to uni? My ex wasn't when he realised it would mean him needing to do more childcare and we split before I started the course

Oh my god I would be incandescent with rage. Your poor baby, and poor you knowing you can't leave him with his own fucking dad for fear he'll be neglected.

Your husband is a piss poor little turd of a man.

Why not? Breastfeeding?

So sorry for you and your baby x your OH seems to feel he can neglect his own child to make sure he isn’t left on his own with him again, I mean to the point where he’s caused baby pain from a sore bum, upset from crying and not even fed ! Sorry but he’s a wan**r . Neglect is abuse, think carefully whether he should be in your lives and base this on your baby and your own well-being x take care