Commenting on someone’s weight

Weight is a minefield! I topped 13 stone at the beginning of the year and I knew I was fat but DH would never agree, he would say you look lovely or some such platitude. He knew I was overweight as much as I did but didn’t want to upset me!

I’ve lost more than 2 and a half stone and DH does say I look nice and he can see I’ve lost weight but him commenting too positively makes me think he hated how I looked before and as a life long yoyo dieter, I’m very aware if I’m not careful the weight will go back on. It is so hard, I think the best thing is not to seek comments from others, especially our loved ones.

Oh no I can see how that would be a hurtful response for your husband to hear. It’s clear that honesty is really important to you. I used to be ‘brutally honest’ but as the years have gone by I’ve come to think that things should be both true and kind to be said especially to those who we are closest to, because they are most likely to be more severely hurt if we are a bit too harsh.

I am overweight and when I make comments like this to my husband the response I’m looking for is ‘I love you just the way you are’. If I also say I want to go on a diet or do more exercise I’m also looking for him to say something supportive like ‘It’ll do the whole family a lot of good’ and for us to agree together any particular changes.

I hope you make up soon.

Im with you OP. I think its better to be honest than lie, especially when it comes to someones weight as it can be potentially life threatening to be overweight. DH is overweight and if we are having a conversation about it then no I wouldnt lie. I wouldnt bring it up and make him feel bad about it, but you didnt do that either if your DH is the one bringing it up. I want DH to lose weight for himself and our DCs so he has a full healthy life with them, to be so overweight isnt good for your health. I would encourage someone overweight to try and be healthier, to lie and act like theres no issue is wrong imo because they're less likely to change.

I suspect your tone was probably quite blunt and could've come across as hurtful. I doubt he was asking you for an honest evaluation of his fat percentage, more reassurance that you find him attractive.

If this was the other way around, we would all be hyping the woman up and berating the man for being so insensitive. There probably was a nicer response.

He should order Manjaro. I’ve had great results.

Sounds like he was fishing for a compliment and for you to say no he isn't fat. You didn't respond and he pushed the question further. Maybe he wants help to lose a bit of weight. Ask him. Nothing wrong with a bit of honesty in a marriage.

He is fat. Its not cruel to say so.
It would becruel to say youre a fat bastard and you stink of swest and shit.

Im fat as fuck. You can't expect people to disregard reality to spare your feelings.

If it hurts your feelings so much to face reality then maybe its time to put the fucking fork down.

Like anything, there is a way of saying something, tact some might say.

4XL will be larger than most, and denying it won’t help. Probably answering along the lines of “ok, I hear you, what do you say we both join the gym I think we both could do with exercising more”.

He has eyes he can see he is overweight, what it sounds like he needs is some positive encouragement (like most of us in life).

Good for you. Sounds like he could do with a bit of honesty! Why should you play into his delusion?

Confused by this comment? What did he do wrong??

Your lack of tact was the issue, I think. Honesty and kindness aren't mutually exclusive.

He's being ridiculous. With a BMI of over 40 he is fat and is unlikely to look good on it either.

It's not a few extra pounds nor is it something he can hide with flattering clothing. My partner has a BMI of 30. He sometimes mentions being fat. I do all the, "But I think you' look great," stuff - because (I think) he does - but I wouldn't insult his intelligence by denying that he is fat.

YANBU

He asked, you chose not to say anything. He then asked you if you agreed he was, putting you in a no-win situation.

You say yes, he’s angry.

You say no, you’re lying and he knows you’re lying.

He was very unreasonable.

"Well you are fat" is true, but perhaps a bit harsh 😄

I'd be more inclined to say something like "you know yourself that you've put on weight" or similar. Same thing but just seems slightly gentler!

'Fat' is generally viewed as a negative word, and most people don't like to consider themselves as fat - even if they know they are overweight.

'You are a bigger chap', 'you would maybe feel better if you were a few pounds lighter', 'you possibly are a little cuddlier than might be ideal'.

If somebody has deliberately done or said something nasty, by all means come right out with it and set them straight, however much they deny it; but when it's something like this - to do with their own body image, self-confidence or esteem - they've done nothing to deserve being upset by their loved ones; and you can easily give them the message in a loving, supportive way.

Both DH and I are fat. I have zero issue with the word as I don't attach a moral value to weight.
He really hates the word and whenever I use it about myself he tries to argue that I'm not (I definitely am).

When DH calls himself fat, I say things like "yeah, but you look great in that top" or "we're both a bit fat and you know I'll support any changes you want to make. But I love you as you are".

Some people need a bit of a positive mixed in, you don't have to lie. I definitely wouldn't lie and if DH had an issue with what I say then I would tell him to stop fishing for compliments.

Many people are in denial about their weight and take offence if you don’t agree with them. If he’s that sensitive I just wouldn’t answer in future.

He pushed you into saying it. And he might be in denial, to a degree, but he also definitely knows what size clothes he is wearing, and how much space he is taking up in the bed, for example.

My DH has put on a bit of weight in the last few years - well, quite a lot actually 🙄

He will sometimes stand in front of the mirror tapping his stomach & ask me what I'm doing with 'Mr Blobby' or 'Mr Lardyarse' I always answer that I love him for himself &, if he feels that he needs to lose some weight I'll happily support him, but it makes no difference to me - there's more to love.

As @TheWonderhorsesays. There’s a way of saying ‘yes you are fat’ without saying those words!

You what? Did you read the same OP?

Too many people pussy foot over this issue. If my husband got fat, I’d tell him and vice versa.

I think I might have been a little more tactful, if it's a sore point. You could have said something like "It doesn't matter to me what you weigh, but I want you to be happy with yourself and healthy."

Those things are true (I hope), and also less hurtful.