Commenting on someone’s weight

As a couple we talk about weight and our sizes together, we both need to shift some at the moment but he tends to follow my lead, I’ve found if I get a bit tubby so does he!! So we are on a weight loss together, I think being open about weight within a couple is caring, I don’t want him to be at risk of health issues.

We have quit smoking, we will exercise more and he can make better snack choices!

I think what you said is fair, is he planning on doing anything about his weight?

You could have said it more kindly. Rather than yes you are fat, “well more importantly than how you look, I am concerned about your health suffering due to being overweight”.

Assuming you’re the one that feeds him, how about putting him on a healthy eating plan? Both if you if need be 🙂

He is morbidly obese. He knows he is very overweight and he knows this is bad for his health.

Fat was used as a cruel taunt in school - it’s such a loaded word and for many it brings up a lot of emotions. I would never call someone ‘fat’.

could you have a chat, apologize for hurting his feelings but talk about how he feels about his weight?

I call my husband "fatty" all the time because he is and he knows he is but I'm always telling him how handsome he is. He calls me fatty too, (im not) it's just banter with us and he is trying to do something about his weight.

Your DH sounds like mine, in 4XL clothes, BMI of 45, morbidly obese.
I don't mention his weight because it's understandably a sensitive issue (I know because I too have had weight issues my whole life, so I do understand) yet he too is very sensitive, looks for reassurance all the time, says he'll lose weight but never does.
I tried the softly softly approach for the first 3 years & hoped boosting his confidence & his self esteem (along with encouraging healthier eating & being more active) would help put him in a better mental space to lose the weight he needs to, but all it seemed to do was play in to his denial & he actually put on 3 stone!
I know it's not that simple but as some PP have suggested telling him I 'love him as he is' would be a lie sadly because I am fast losing respect & am sick of it negatively affecting every area of our relationship.
Someone who need 4XL clothing is not 'a bit cuddly' or a couple of stone overweight, it's significant & chances are it's negatively affecting areas of your relationship too OP so No I don't think you were BU to, when pushed, be honest with him.

I think there are more tactful responses. I'd have gone with "Does your weight bother you?" maybe to gauge where he was at, as he was opening up the conversation for a reason. I'd have said that he'd probably feel better and healthier if he lost weight, but would have tried to avoid discussing what he looked like, as that would never end well.

Speak for yourself.

I've got very little time for those who deliberately set something like this up, and then get arsey when the person refuses to lie to them.

They’re such hypocrites though. He wanted you to say ‘you’re not’ but he literally is! AND if you had said something like ‘you’re lovely, I fancy you’ which is diplomatic without lying he would have just argued with you I’m sure. Makes me laugh, they let themselves get fat and most women are still loyal but oh boy if you dare to put on weight they’re all over only fans or another woman. I hate them.

Sorry but this actually really did make me laugh out loud! 🤣🤣🤣

YANBU OP.

You didn't 'agree readily', you said nothing at first.

As a partner to my DH it’s my duty to look after myself to the best of my ability so that when older we can enjoy ourselves and he won’t be my carer.

This is what I expect of him too. So, if my DP was overweight or smoked, or unfit, I’d be telling him.

If course, anyone can get ill and I’d be there for him willingly. But a lot of it is within our control.

Why is he a hypocrite?

No we all wouldn’t.

Someone pushing for an answer from a remark they made and then not liking what was said is a them problem regardless of gender.

She chose not to say anything to his remark and instead of dropping it or accepting her silence, he chose to ask anyway with a question where she couldn’t say anything that he likely would have liked even if she gave him placating remarks with it.

MN posters would get hugely angry if any (female) poster here said that her H called her fat. No matter what her BMI was. So lots of hypocrisy here in the process of 'supporting' OP.

I don't understand someone with BMI-40 thinking they would not be viewed as fat by everyone, tbf.

I read this as sarcasm?

I think it's wording - we are allowed to use pejorative words about ourselves but not other people.

I think of you'd said well you are a bit overweight then you might have had a different reaction.

It's the effect that loaded words can have.

My DH is overweight. I say he’s gorgeous to me at any weight, because he is. He’s my big strong man and my cuddly teddy bear. As he gets older I do express concern for his health when the subject comes up. I have never ever said he was fat. He knows he is.

I agree with this. You can be honest without being wounding.

Please tell us you're joking.

Fat does have a lot of negative connotations which is a shame as it should just be a description really. I don't think you should have lied, I wonder if rephrasing like "well you're not petite darling" or "maybe not fat but definitely a big bloke" would have felt more comfortable for him.
Equally, maybe for his health its better to lay it out straight. We hear a lot of "bmi is nonsense" and "the average size is xyz" and sometimes people get deluded into thinking they're not obese or its not that bad. A bmi over 40 is very obese, unhealthily so and maybe he needs to hear it and accept it. My bmi a while ago crept over 30 and I realised I'd not be around to see my grandkids if I didn't change it (was still a size 14 and technically smaller that the UK average as theyre always saying its a 16, so i had told myself it was ok, it wasn't), plus I didn't like feeling unfit - so I lost weight and exercised more and now it's not.

If he doesn't like it, he can change it can't he! His weight is his issue, not what word you use to describe it unfortunately. As someone else said, maybe use this as a step to give some encouragement and help him make some healthy changes.

Don’t be so blunt - you are in control of that🤷🏻‍♀️

If he's got a BMI of over 40 then he's morbidly obese - which will take years off his life expectancy and cause early ill health & disability. I'm shocked than someone who is morbidly obese is still in denial about their weight and hoping their partner will pretend they are healthy - sadly he's very unhealthy. That's not a moral judgement, just a statement of fact. You wouldn't sugar coat the facts to someone smoking 20 a day - why are we expected to pretend that obesity doesn't matter?

Did you misread the OP (as I did initially) and think the OP's DH called her fat?

You could've said I love you just as you are but shall we work towards getting a bit healthier and fitter?

Tell him that youre extremely sorry that you said he was fat. You should have said that he was voluptuous, curvy and bootilicious.

Geez chill! You’ll die alone if for every little thing you leave