Commenting on someone’s weight

Okay - have a lovely evening

Assume nothing, I find your comment rude. My comment was for the OP, not for your nit picking, go nit pick elsewhere. OP didn’t find my comment out of order, maybe as you have so much time on your hands you should take a look at her response? 🙄

I would suggest a psychological approach, maybe CBT or something? He must be eating a lot everyday to sustain that size and seems to be a bit delusional if he thinks you are not going to notice his size.

I have a family member who's so prickly about her weight, it gets exhausting. I'm overweight and struggling but if I say something about me trying to lose weight she she gets huffy like she is presuming I'm aiming my comment at her. She was complaining one time about buying an evening dress and the shops 'only making clothes for skinny people' and I suggested a plus size shop and she got all defensive and upset. No, love they do not sell size 24 dresses in mainstream shops and no, size 18 and 20 in the high street shops are not 'skinny'.

He's not really angry with you, he is angry with the fact that he is overweight. As someone who can relate, it's like there is a part of you that hopes others don't see it or you stupidly hope that you have some sort of an anorexic complex where the reflection you see in the mirror is much fatter than you really are.

I am just exploring the basis of your comments. Surely that’s okay for a discussion forum?

Most people don’t think you are talking common sense and I am trying to understand what you mean.

i assume from your response that you did mean that you believe the woman should provide all food for the man. Surely you are intelligent enough to understand that while you may live like that lots of people don’t. And lots of men decide what they eat themselves. Most people wouldn’t assume a woman dictates and controls everything her husband eats, and that a weigh problem is the fault of the wife.

What business is that of yours?
I’m just talking common sense 🙄

Out of interest - were you coming from a place of gender roles in that the woman manages all the food in the household? And you assume that is how all households operate - the man only eats what the woman provides?

Well maybe it’s about time she started treating him like a pet, before he has a heart attack 🙄

I wouldn't like someone just bluntly saying 'well you are fat' to me if I said I felt I looked that way. Even if it was true.

But I get there's no point saying he looks slim!

Maybe something like 'what do you think you can do to get a bit more healthy? Shall we go for a walk, try that new leisure centre..' just suggesting things that might actually help a bit.

He's clearly feeling a bit insecure so I hope you can reassure him you love him and just want him to be healthy and able to enjoy life.

or, he is a grown up, an adult who can tell he's fat, knows that it brings health issues and he does something about it (or not, his choice)?

OP is not his mother.

It’s about knowing the person.

I used to be fat, as a child/teenager I had not just puppy fat but all the Dalmatians puppy fat! 😂

People who loved me were kind, and I didn’t find it at all helpful. I don’t need people telling me there was more to love, or I looked like ‘me’. I knew they were lying and that made me feel worse. I also felt they were unreliable to ask opinions when I was dieting, as a result I felt very alone on that journey as no one I knew would walk it with me honestly.

Your husband is clearly different to me and wanted reassurance, rather than practical acknowledgment or solutions - I don’t think you did anything wrong, you just didn’t quite read the room.

I'd talk to him, find out how he’s feeling about his weight and ask him what he wants to do (if anything( and how you can help, but obviously reassuring him that you love him regardless of size.

we’re all very different, and very touchy when it comes to our weight!

Gosh, your husband isn’t just a little bit fat. He is morbidly obese. He is at significant risk of heart attack, stroke and early death. He is unlikely to be able to do normal physical activities. Does he smell badly? His obesity is probably making your life unpleasant!

He needs a metaphorical kick up the backside!

Christ, this is a conversation women have with their partners all the time!

Get a grip.

My OH and I are both overweight and we don’t lie to each other about it but nor have either of us outright said ‘you’re fat’. We might say stuff like we aren’t looking after ourselves or my OH (who is blunter than me!) might talk about me ‘putting on the beef’ and relate it to how he’s worried Im not happy ie being honest but also showing empathy. It sounds like you were a bit blunt rather than framing your comment as concern and emphasising his good points which can help eg
‘You know I love and fancy you but I’m worried you’ve not been looking after yourself lately’.
If my husband commented that he looked fat and I agreed, it would most likely to relate to a particular choice of outfit and I’d probably say something like ‘yeah that t shirts not the best on you, what about this one?’.

I haven’t seen anything in OPs post to suggest he has special needs that require a carer?

assuming he is a healthy, functioning adult then hopefully he feeds himself.

if his obesity has gotten to the stage that he required this level of care then medical assistance is required - a dietician at the very least.

he takes 4XL and has a BMI of over 40. He knows he's fat.

There is a difference between being tactful with strangers / friends and being truthful with the person you love.

And yes, it does hurt even when you know you are fat. But you know, as a fat person, that you are fat. (unless you have severe body dysmorphya)

For me the answer would have been something like "i love you however you look. But if you want answer, yes you are overweight" There may be other reasons for the DHs size, but he will know those too. Lying to ourselves and lying to our loved ones isn't always helpful.

The bigger question is: why did he bring it up? Is he in denial, or is he thinking of doing something to reduce his size?

I think "well you are fat" is possibly a bit blunt, could have added a "but I love you" to soften it.

Yanbu though for not telling him that he's slim instead.

Why would it fall to the OP to be feeding him? He's not a pet or a zoo animal. Hes a grown man and presumably capable of preparing meals...

I would never volunteer comment on someone's weight. Absolutely no benefit to it whatsoever.

But if someone close to me asked me point blank to comment, I would. I probably wouldn't use the word "fat" as its so loaded, and there may have been a kinder way to do it, but I don't think you should obfuscate if someone you love and trust asks you the question directly.

Feel like you are maybe answering a different post……?
Or has this poster posted before about being called fat by this man?

Strange assumption.

He's a man, not a cat! 🤣

But even if the OP is the one that 'feeds him', you can't put someone on a healthy eating plan against their wishes.

I agree. There’s no way I’m pushing my husband or anyone else in a wheelchair if they’ve got unhealthy by greed

I think you have misread the OP.

OP, there are less harsh ways of saying it. I think you know that. Offering to support him in his weight loss journey because his health will otherwise suffer is one, but a judgemental "you are fat" is very unlikely to end well or get the results you want.

I've struggled with my weight for all of my teenage and adult life. Whatever I did I just seemed to get bigger and didn't understand why until, well into adulthood, I was diagnosed with a serious thyroid condition which hampered everything.

I only ever mentioned my weight directly in conversation with those people who I feel I can trust to be sympathetic and understanding. Never to anyone else. I was always even wary about discussing it with my DH as I know he was scared he wouldn't handle it well. We've learned how to discuss it over the years though. He is kind and now has a basic understanding of my medical issues too.

I've been on Ozempic since February due to diabetes control and there has been a slow but steady drop in my weight.

I'm 58 now so have had these weight issues for longer than I care to remember. However, I'm postmenopausal now, which hinders many women but seems to be helping me.

Find a way to be kinder over such a sensitive issue. Us obese people do tend to know that we are and the mental and physical health problems that go with it are very complex.

Saying "well you are fat" is the bulldozer approach. It is hurtful and won't work. Comfort eating may well follow it.