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Original poster

Friend being unkind about my daughter

330 replies

Nessa1777 · 05/07/2025 13:20

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

OP posts:
ALPS100 · 05/07/2025 14:47

I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship

Eh?

Maybe your daughter is fed up of your "friend" behaving like a twat for all of her life, and knowing that you are irrationally conflicted when your loyalty should naturally be to your daughter

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/07/2025 14:47

Trickabrick · 05/07/2025 13:26

Why are you conflicted? Your loyalty should surely be to your daughter, mine certainly would be. The next time she brings it up, shut her down by saying you don’t want to hear her negativity about your daughter.

As above!

Also
She couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us ...She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “

What business is that of hers?

RosesAndHellebores · 05/07/2025 14:44

Your dd was rude and immature, and 23
Your "friend" is being immature, presumably at close to 50.

I would expect more from the "friend" than your daughter.

Why doesn't the "friend" have friends I wonder. I'd slip away quietly from the so called friendship.

It all sounds very tediously dramatic.

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 14:43

ElCorazon · 05/07/2025 14:40

If 10 people say that what someone said to me was just banter and a joke, but I feel it was rude…then it was rude. It’s going to be my decision what I feel was rude and hurtful, not someone else. Especially if it wasn’t them at the receiving end of it. You, your daughter and your other friends have a strange kind of humour. Your daughter was very rude. If you fail to see it, you have a problem.

You can think what you like, but don't then whine about having no friends.

heroinechic · 05/07/2025 14:43

Your daughter was very rude, she embarrassed your friend in front of an audience. Did she apologise? That said, your friend should have got over it by now. If she doesn’t want to be around your daughter that’s fine (and warranted IMO) but she doesn’t have to bring it up at all.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 05/07/2025 14:43

TammyJones · 05/07/2025 13:36

Here’s a different take - your daughter wasn’t joking.
Your ‘friend’ was extremely rude criticising your meat … and your daughter put her in her place.
Maybe she shouldn’t have sworn , but…
Have you never, ever wondered why she had no friends?
She sounds awful.
Fade her out …. Or let your daughter get rid of her.
(I’m team daughter)

Absolutely this. Your DD was defending you from someone your DD has probably seen to be a vet unpleasant and rude "friend" to you all this time. Be loyal to your DD.

MayaPinion · 05/07/2025 14:41

Next time she brings it up just laugh and say, ‘Good for her. You deserved it. Who goes to a friend’s house and criticises the food? That’s so rude!’

WonderingWanda · 05/07/2025 14:41

I agree with posters that your friend was being rude about the food and your dd, who seems to have the measure of your nutty friend, bluntly put her in her place. Yes, it's true it was a but rude of dd and not her place but she has probably done you a favour. Your so called friend does sound a but unhinged and in competition with your dd with all those comments about 'Why is she even here' and wanting to protect you. And all that grabby smothering "I'm your bestie" nonsense. She sounds deeply insecure and has some sort of need for you to pick her as your favourite.

Next time she brings it up say "Are you still going on about that? I'm sorry if you found dd rude but frankly you were a bit rude about the food too and dd is an adult and can say what she likes, you don't need to be friends with her but you do need to accept that she is my dd and a huge part of my life and if you can't let this drop it will be our relationship not my mother and daughter relationship that will have to take a back-burner"

ElCorazon · 05/07/2025 14:40

If 10 people say that what someone said to me was just banter and a joke, but I feel it was rude…then it was rude. It’s going to be my decision what I feel was rude and hurtful, not someone else. Especially if it wasn’t them at the receiving end of it. You, your daughter and your other friends have a strange kind of humour. Your daughter was very rude. If you fail to see it, you have a problem.

Gilead · 05/07/2025 14:39

Walkaround · 05/07/2025 14:27

It was not the daughter’s place to discipline her mother’s guests. The dd was just downright rude and obnoxious, and it’s ridiculous to pretend it was “banter” when she no doubt thought the irritating woman would be better off fucking off home if she only had negative things to say. The OP was the one who should have told her whiny friend her comments were not appreciated.

Show quote history

I disagree, but having said that I was a victim of DA and therefore would be unlikely to challenge, if my daughter did it for me I’d be grateful.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 05/07/2025 14:39

Your daughter sounds exceptionally rude. That was not 'banter'.

TammyJones · 05/07/2025 14:39

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 14:35

Apparently so. Respect your elders, even when they are being rude fucking cowbags who don't deserve an invite and have been dropped by all their other friends for some mysterious reason.

Show quote history

Love it
Thank for your comment.
It made me smile.
I think if I’d have been as assertive as my DD/op’s daughter at 23 I’d have said a lot of things , that I daren’t …. And been happier , and safer and had far less grief than I did.

Springadorable · 05/07/2025 14:36

You're daughter was very rude, and that reflects strongly on you. That's about as passive aggressive as banter is capable of getting.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 05/07/2025 14:36

HouseholdBudget · 05/07/2025 14:34

Your daughter was rude, but I wonder if she sees your 'friend' very differently to you and doesn't think she is a particularly pleasant person.

💯

Ihopeyouhavent · 05/07/2025 14:36

Your kid was rude and swore and must have made her feel very embarrassed.

You dont speak nicely of her , so she's better without you.

Booboobagins · 05/07/2025 14:36

It's absolutely British banter, but I wouldnt say it to one of my mums friends - maybe that's a generational thing though (I'm a lot older than your DD).

The matter is your DF - she sounds like high maintenance to me. She's been rude about your DD too.

I'd have a talk with her, clear the air once and for all and if it doesn't work the friendship has likely ran its course.

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 14:35

TammyJones · 05/07/2025 14:30

It’s very confusing how much grief , DD has gotten on this thread.
At 23 I wouldn’t have been able to say what she did - but my own DD at 23 would. ( good on her)
She was defending her mother / op, rightly.
Is it still ‘Respect your elders - even if they are being rude and critical’.

Show quote history

Apparently so. Respect your elders, even when they are being rude fucking cowbags who don't deserve an invite and have been dropped by all their other friends for some mysterious reason.

Zebedee999 · 05/07/2025 14:35

Nessa1777 · 05/07/2025 13:20

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

Your daughters language is appalling. Where did she learn to speak in such a foul manner to anyone? I'd be very embarrassed if my daughter spoke like that.

ButteredRadish · 05/07/2025 14:34

Your daughter is a bully. Bullies in schools always say “Oh it was just a joke” when confronted about their bullying….
Either way, you very clearly don’t like this woman at all, you’ve spoken about her as if you can’t stand the woman? End the friendship, for her sake.

HouseholdBudget · 05/07/2025 14:34

Your daughter was rude, but I wonder if she sees your 'friend' very differently to you and doesn't think she is a particularly pleasant person.

MaggiesShadow · 05/07/2025 14:31

Your daughter was incredibly rude. Your friend sounds incredibly difficult.

DrowningInSyrup · 05/07/2025 14:31

ByGreenHiker · 05/07/2025 13:44

My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog”

Your daughter was extremely rude and if you think that was a joke and funny it just shows the lack of manners you've dragged your children up with.

Well that's rude @bygreenhiker Where are your manners, who dragged you up?

TammyJones · 05/07/2025 14:30

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 14:18

It is exceptionally rude to bitch about your host's food, and then also spend years bitching about the host's daughter defending the host, and then also bitch about the daughter's home life. And she doesn't have any friends. The daughter is not the problem, however lots on here hate it when young women are forthright.

It’s very confusing how much grief , DD has gotten on this thread.
At 23 I wouldn’t have been able to say what she did - but my own DD at 23 would. ( good on her)
She was defending her mother / op, rightly.
Is it still ‘Respect your elders - even if they are being rude and critical’.

Moodershewrote · 05/07/2025 14:28

Your daughter sounds obnoxious and belligerent and your friend sounds dramatic and draining. What a combination!

AngelofIslington · 05/07/2025 14:28

I would end the friendship, it doesn’t sound like either of you are getting positive out of it.
That aside your DD was rude, anyone passing rude comments off as “banter” normally do mean to be rude but haven’t the guts to own it when pulled up