Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - DC kicking me during meal

159 replies

identifiables · 05/07/2025 09:52

It got brought up in couples therapy that I’d left the dinner table and taken my food to eat in another room.

I explained to the therapist that DC was repeatedly kicking me during the meal and had refused to stop when asked. I had explained that I do not want to be kicked. No one likes being kicked, it hurts. They carried on, I initially moved one seat away but they still managed to kick me so I said I do not want to be kicked, so if you will not stop kicking I will have to leave the table. They didn’t stop so I left the table. DCs Dad was still sitting opposite them at the table, not getting kicked. DC was 3yo, intelligent, no SEN, good comprehension, generally well behaved on the whole. From my perspective I was teaching using natural consequences that if you hurt people they won’t want to be near you.

The therapist said I was wrong to do this, something about rejection or punishing by withdrawal I think and that my child should know I will always be there. Something along those lines.

Was I unreasonable to leave the table? How would you have handled this?

YABU = You should have handled this differently. Please post any suggestions how you would have handled it.
YANBU = You handled this well enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
identifiables · 05/07/2025 10:55

AnSolas · 05/07/2025 10:35

Find a new therapist asap this one has no idea about how to wor why train a child to be a functioning adult and as will be of little help to you.

As its couples therapy its extra worrying as your co-parenting with the man who opted out of managing his child being abusive to you. And the therapist is waffling on about how its OK for you to be abused.

The child is 3 provided the kicking was not to get out of eating at the table
Ask them to stop
Tell them to stop or they will be removed from the table
Dad says the same thing
Optional : Give a final warning and remind them what will happen
Follow through by having Dad remove them.
After the follow through happens Dad gets them to explain why they were removed and say sorry to you.

Thank you. Do you have Dad doing the removal and follow through because he is Dad and discipline is Dads role/he is more physically strong to remove DC, or because he was not being kicked so if he was being kicked it would be for me to do the removal and follow through?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 05/07/2025 10:43

The child would gave been removed in the first instance.
If during another meal it happens again he would be removed and there would be another consequence added to it.

guerdyguatd · 05/07/2025 10:42

I think it's odd that you chose to leave the table & eat elsewhere rather than removing the dc tbh.

Original poster
identifiables · 05/07/2025 10:40

Thanks all, I’m getting the message clearly that I should have moved DC. It didn’t even occur to me! We have never really done time-outs. I am aware of hunger aggravating bad behaviour so I wouldn’t have thought to stop the meal and leave them hungry. I could take my food elsewhere but they couldn’t safely do that. I realise I also took the easy option where we all got to eat in peace rather than a physical altercation to remove them against their wishes and likely ensuing emotional meltdown meaning no-one would have got dinner, or at least to enjoy it.

Who is a good source on how to do timeouts appropriately?

OP posts:
PeloMom · 05/07/2025 10:39

I’d struggle to trust this therapist’s judgement and continue with them.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 05/07/2025 10:36

I would have removed the child.
But I would also expect my Dh to help.

AnSolas · 05/07/2025 10:35

Find a new therapist asap this one has no idea about how to wor why train a child to be a functioning adult and as will be of little help to you.

As its couples therapy its extra worrying as your co-parenting with the man who opted out of managing his child being abusive to you. And the therapist is waffling on about how its OK for you to be abused.

The child is 3 provided the kicking was not to get out of eating at the table
Ask them to stop
Tell them to stop or they will be removed from the table
Dad says the same thing
Optional : Give a final warning and remind them what will happen
Follow through by having Dad remove them.
After the follow through happens Dad gets them to explain why they were removed and say sorry to you.

Balloonhearts · 05/07/2025 10:33

You should have removed the 3 year old, not moved yourself. That's the consequence of kicking. You don't get to sit at the table with everyone else unless you behave.

I'd have taken up their plate and sent them to their room.

nomas · 05/07/2025 10:26

identifiables · 05/07/2025 10:00

Thank you. DCs dad was not doing or saying much that I remember, just eating.

Show quote history

Your husband is a prick. Swerve the couples therapy and divorce the twat.

Shetlands · 05/07/2025 10:24

Why didn't your DH back you up and tell the child to stop kicking?

Peanut91 · 05/07/2025 10:23

Yourethebeerthief · 05/07/2025 09:58

What a weird thing for your therapist to say. I wouldn’t continue working with someone spouting such nonsense.

However, if my 3 year old was repeatedly kicking me at the table after being told not to, he’d be the one to leave the table, not me.

This. I would have removed my child from the table rather than myself

ExtraOnions · 05/07/2025 10:22

How long are you 3 year olds legs, that they can still reach you, after you moved seats?

Did you tell DH why you were moving, or just get up and go?

I can’t believe you let a 3 year old dictate where you sat to eat. He’s the one who should have left the table.

You couid have swapped seats with DH.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 05/07/2025 10:22

So the one doing the kicking gets to stay at the table and eat their meal? What sort of punishment is that?

Isthisnormal10000 · 05/07/2025 10:19

Well if I had asked my dc to stop kicking me repeatedly and they didnt then I would be removint them from the table, they might get shouted at and sent to their room and if cheeky then gadgeta taken away. None of my kids would kick me though, probably as they know the consequences.

I think people relg on thwrapjsts too much, why would some random woman or man know more about your family than you. They are just people,their opinions can be wrong or riduculous too.

Maray1967 · 05/07/2025 10:18

I hauled my kicking four year old out of a restaurant and into the car after he meant to kick me but kicked his DGM instead.

If there is a next time, move the child. And ditch the therapist.

rosecoloured · 05/07/2025 10:17

You should have told the three-year old to leave the table and not being able to join you and the dinner. You made it about YOU by leaving, and thinking that was a consequense for the child. It’s the child who needs to feel the consequense of his own behaviour, and this did not happen in this case.

Your therapist is a twat though.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 05/07/2025 10:17

Why are you in couples therapy? What's going on that it was felt it was needed?

PrincessOfPreschool · 05/07/2025 10:16

I would stop seeing this therapist. They have weird ideas if they think you don't that one time will make a child feel rejected. Or course if physical withdrawal was a daily occurrence...

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 05/07/2025 10:13

However, if my 3 year old was repeatedly kicking me at the table after being told not to, he’d be the one to leave the table, not me.

This ☝

Topseyt123 · 05/07/2025 10:12

I wouldn't have left the table. I'd have moved the child away and/or turned them round so that they couldn't reach me. Then I'd have just continued with my meal and ignored any protests.

Your therapist sounds like a twat and probably has little or no experience of children.

BallerinaRadio · 05/07/2025 10:10

It sounds like this is in the past, how long ago was it?

WaltzingWaters · 05/07/2025 10:08

I’d find a new therapist for a start.

But no, you did the right thing. I think I’d have moved the child away rather than myself. But you certainly shouldn’t have just let them continue kicking you! And dad should have stepped in and helped back you up to!

EndorsingPRActice · 05/07/2025 10:06

OP, it comes over to me as if you were playing the victim. I don't agree with the counsellor at all. I think my kids would have thought they'd won if I left the table. Why wasn't the 3 year old asked to leave the table? I never allowed kicking at meals, simply told the kicker to leave the table. Are your DH and you on the same page?

Bitzee · 05/07/2025 10:06

This is just so strange. I’d assume the therapist has no training in and/or doesn’t have any young kids because that’s frankly a bonkers conclusion. They were with another parent, emotionally I bet it didn’t even register. But I equally I find that a really odd way of parenting 3YO. They ignored your instruction to stop and then were just allowed to carry on with zero consequences like it was you that had done some wrong by simply sitting rather than their kicking that was the issue. If your DC was being hit or kicked by another kid at nursery would you expect your DC to be sent out for thinking time or the perpetrator? Madness. Next time your DC should be the one that gets removed from the table. And honestly I’d find a new therapist that can be objective about family life.

financialcareerstuff · 05/07/2025 10:06

Seriously? I think dump your therapist. Therapists shouldn’t be telling you their judgement like that/ that you are wrong, first of all. They should help you explore how you feel and think about things.

secondly, I think her opinion is utterly stupid. I think what you did was reasonable- I would just have suggested the child should be more directly punished. What you did kind of suggests that you get inconvenienced by her being naughty. (And who knows, maybe she wanted you to move, maybe she’s in daddy mode right now and wants him to herself etc…. Kids go through all kinds of phases)… so in a way you can see a kick as pushing you off, and you moved away to oblige almost. That kind of leaves the power with her. I think it is her who should have been warned that any more kicks would result in her being made to sit and eat her dinner in a corner or loses dessert or whatever….. the other thing that bothers me about that scenario is it sounds like your partner sat there doing nothing while your child was kicking you…. Which sends the subliminal message that it’s ok to mistreat mummy. He should have stepped in very quickly to tell her that she mustn’t kick mummy etc…..