WIBU - DC kicking me during meal

Yep I agree it shouldve been DS to leave the table. If you're at soft play and hes hitting another child you would remove DS from the situation and take him home, not expect the other parent to remove their DC and yours gets to carry on playing. He didnt learn his lesson by you moving away, he didn't receive any punishment at all for his bad behaviour. You give one warning of kick me again and you're going to be removed from the table. Then stick to it.

YABU.

1. your child should have left the table (time out).
2. your child should have been made to apologise.
3. Your husband should have backed you.

It sounds like your toddler can do whatever he wants and has no consequences. Mum leaving the table is hardly punishment.

I would have put 3 year old on time out or in their room.

The therapist has a point (to an extent). Your child is the one who should have had to leave the table. The message should be that you need to be well behaved to stay at the table, not that Mum will leave if you're not well behaved.

OP you might find this useful
https://www.centreforemotionalhealth.org.uk/more-information/for-families/

Particularly the steps to calm down, choices and consequences and active ignoring.

You sound like a pushover. Do you discipline your child at all? Are you one of them parents that dont shout at all? After the first time I would have removed them from the table. Naughty step, bedroom and told them when they can behave they can sit and eat.

Looks like life is getting more and more difficult these days. I don't even want to start to say what my grandparents, parents, or I would do if their/my child were kicking.
But more likely, no child would even think about it, as the consequences would come straight away

I would have done it differently because you were the one to suffer the consequences, not them (dc stayed at the table, eating etc….).
So for me, what you’ve teach the child is that, if they kick you long enough, you just go away, along with the request to stop kicking iyswim.

I would have taken dc to another room or move THEM to a place where they couldn’t kick you.

Also notice how they didn’t kick their dad…. And dad didn’t intervene in support either.

This is exactly how I handled my own DC’s behaviour. Any misbehaviour = me retreating. Maybe not far, just out of sight sometimes, but it was really effective as naturally, they want to be near you. Possibly didn’t work well if DH is still sat with them, but in a nutshell, 20+ years later, I have two thriving, well mannered, funny, high achieving young adults who are now working in careers and in their first homes… I don’t think it did them any harm - I rarely had to use it. Shouting is far worse imho.

Well.

I would have said very firmly ‘do not kick me again’ and the second they did it again they would have been lifted out to the other room.

I would rather be direct and clear about what I expect and let the child know that . On my front foot, rather than withdrawing.

But I don’t see what you did as being emotionally or psychologically damaging to your child.

But I think moving out of the way suggests to the child that kicking is ok, and it’s up to you to move yourself to safety while the child swings their legs. The sort of behaviour that would be called bullying in an older child.

What are you in couples therapy for? Is it connected?

Let me get this straight. You mention DC's dad as eating his meal and taking no part in this.
Is DC's dad your partner? Ex partner?
Why did he not give any input?
Forcibly removing a 3year old from the table could have ended up badly so I think you did the right thing in the circumstances.
But DC's dad's behaviour seems strange.

I swear more and more people are having babies and then dont seem to have the first clue as to how to parent and discipline them when they're here.

I agree that ideally the child should have been moved but if the outcome is that everyone ate in peace is that so bad?

Yep amazed the majority think you leaving is right....

But that isn’t this is it ? OP was neither sulking nor withdrawing - and it’s a reach to suggest that the child repeatedly kicking her is OP ‘not getting her own way’. The child was asked to stop and didn’t. So there have to be consequences. Personally I think the child should have been removed and made to eat alone.

I remember a therapist telling me a similar thing. My mum used to sulk if something wasn’t going her way and withdraw from us all. Not speak. Therapist said this was the worse thing a parent could do. So I guess there is something in it.

Back in the real world, if you act like a dick, people will not want to be around you. Friends, partners and family members will stop sitting at your metaphorical table.

I'm sure on planet therapy, every child must grow up to believe they are so magnetic and special that no-one will ever leave them. And they definitely won't learn a really hard and painful lesson when they leave home (if they ever do.)

However, I'm bringing mine up to function here on Earth and that if you go around kicking people, they will go.

What does the therapist say you should have done?

I’d have taken the three year old and placed them in another room, saying “if you can’t behave at the table, you don’t get to eat with us” I’d have finished dinner then had them sit by themselves to eat their dinner later. If he’s pissing about and kicking you instead of eating dinner, he’s not hungry.

I’d have done the stern face and voice - you do not kick mummy. And if they still persisted removed them from the table. Natural consequences for child would have been not sitting at table to eat his tea.
Odd reasoning from therapist.

If its your child as well as husbands then you should've stopped him kicking. He should've been removed from the table, and sat quietly whilst you explain kicking isn't acceptable at the table and it has hurt you. He can come back to the table when he agrees no more kicking. I wouldn't expect my husband to step in, personally, as the kicking was against you and therefore I'd automatically pick it up and use the fact that my own child was hurting me as the driver of the conversation and the consequence. It's a bit old school for dad's to discipline, unless you felt it required 2 adults to stop a 3 yr old kicking which I don't think it does.

If the child in question is your step child then yes your husband should handle it, and i would expect as above.

Taking your food and eating elsewhere is a bit of an unusual reaction, I wouldn't say necessarily wrong, but kind of implies "you do what you want but I'm not going to be around". Whereas I'd see a parental response (especially at 3) as being more "I set the boundaries and I'll make sure/help you stick to them come what may"

You were wrong in that I’d have made my child leave the table not left it myself, but your therapist is terrible.

Are they actually qualified, or just somebody dabbling in “counselling”?

Yes this.

the DC should have been removed. 3 is old enough to listen to their mother

You taught your child they can't expect to hurt people and they put up with it. What did the therapist suggest you do to stop it? If she didn't give you an alternative suggestion, then I wouldn't rate her as a therapist as she isn't actually helping you, jusy criticising and not giving you advice. She might be doing that in other areas too, which is worrying.

This was my first thought. Actions have consequences and the lesson here is that if you continue to kick during a meal when asked to stop, then you’ll be eating alone.

And I’d be finding another therapist.

When you say therapist, do you mean Relate or similar? I would be very careful with those. Some of them just think that the woman’s job is to give everyone what they need, while they are being kicked, physically or metaphorically. The man comes all sad because he is feeling sad and unloved and actually the reason he is feeling unloved is because he’s receiving justified criticism for absolutely throwing his wife under the bus in the reality of small children riding roughshod over her life and body. But all the therapist sees is that he’s sad and wants more love.
You are not being helped to get to a functioning relationship here. You are just being told to suck it up because it’s what women do.