WIBU - DC kicking me during meal

What a load of shite therapists come out with. I would have removed the child until they behaved but you probably did the right thing. This is why we have the problems with kids today. Could you imagine doing that to your patents????

@identifiables please take the suggestions here with a grain of salt re removal, naughty step, warnings etc. your child is 3 and not all are capable of putting that together. Modelling consistent expectations is important and you and partner need to be on the same page. Couples therapy shouldn't be a place to get blamed either. IMO the therapist should've be asking about your choice and then asking your DP how that made him feel and why and then encourage you both to discuss your triggers rooted in your own upbringing and find common ground on how to approach future situations.

As for you son kicking: what were his needs? I (try to) approach with curiosity about the behaviour's cause.
not hungry, bored, a previous unresolved issue, wanting attention/trying to play/looking for a different reaction
At 3 a child can't express the nuances of emotion, it's very black and white and basic. Try: Nathan, don't kick me. It hurts me. Happens again then repeat. Happens again, get up, take Nathan's hand, go to another room. Sit at eye level, ask, Nathan why are you kicking me? What's wrong? What do you want? Resolve.
Repeating this type of response (it's not going to be perfect and might not work right away) teaches the child to think about expressing needs to you and as the brain develops cements in healthier and more respectful ways to communicate.

It's not easy. I'm prone to being very shouty and swift with removal as punishment and am working on better methods. (As above).

I think you were far too soft on him. I have a 3 year old and first kick would have been the warning look and “no kicking” (at this point my DS would usually say sorry) however, if he carried on, he would told to get down from the table and to only return when he was ready to say sorry and eat dinner properly at the table. I think your other problem though is your DH because mine would not have sat in silence while our son misbehaved and would be backing me up with warnings.

Your therapist is a dick and I say this s a retired therapist.

Why is a therapist you are seeing for couples therapy telling you how to handle your child? Why is your partner not stepping up when your child is kicking you? It sounds like you were doing your best under the circumstances.

If this is couples counselling then I'd say your counsellor has sided with your husband from the get go.

As someone who has done several parenting classes and has a child with challenging behaviour, we are always told to remove ourselves from the situation if being hit/kicked etc

I think the therapist was talking absolute nonsense.

If you'd removed your child from the room, then you wouldn't be able to enjoy your meal anyway because he'd be annoyed and aggravating you. He'd hardly sit in silence, would he?

Sometimes the easiest solution is to think you won't eat a main meal with them while they're that age. I look forward to my evening meal but if it was accompanied by stress I would dread it. I'd be in the same room but doing something like folding washing or something like that, so that I could still chat but would be a little bit occupied. I'd eat when he was in bed or when my husband was looking after him.

No, I don’t think you did anything wrong - did the 3yo cry when you left and have you come back if so? Just to be clear, I am a gentle parent and did attachment parenting, not leaving to cry etc. but I would not have tolerated being kicked, during a meal or otherwise.

But also, some of the responses on this thread are shocking, “time outs”? “Punishment”? “Naughty chair”?

This!

Yes! Just what I would have done, removed the child and not myself.

What a bizarre thing to do. I really don’t think your 3yo will notice or work out that you left for that reason. I wouldn’t go as far as to say what the therapist said (weird) but I don’t think it would have the desired effect. If that was my 3 yo he’d definitely be the one to leave the table for a short reset chat (telling off) away from the table and then brought back so we can all eat nicely together.

Hello! Who is the adult here? I would have stood up and addressed the child and said: If you do not stop kicking me, you will have to sit on your naughty chair to take time out. Your behaviour is not acceptable and it hurts How would you like it if another child were to keep kicking you like that? Children need firm fair boundaries and to know what is acceptable and not acceptable.

Honestly I would have thought that child being put somewhere away from both parents rejection.

I really like @ThisMellowGreenDreamer ’s example, even though it concerns a younger DC. (P2 of this thread). The parents showing care for each other in this way seems very powerful to me.

In that sense, OP, yes - your DH could have taken the lead. ‘We love Mummy. We don’t hurt her. If you keep hurting her, you will have to stop eating and leave the room.’ Possibly while caressing you (!) And you can do the same for him.

I would have warned the child and then removed them.

They adhere to my rules, not the other way around.

Yep, I agree with this actually
the child should have been removed from table to an appropriate place like corner of room for a few minutes.

but heck, nope, the counsellor is talking total twaddle. Jeez,🙄 your aren’t abusing the child by stepping away. You have boudaries and counsellor suggested you put yourself in harms way. I’d be seriously checking their credentials

Absolutely yes remove the child, why are you pushy footing round after a 3 year old, he needs to learn actions have consequences. I would have picked him up and removed him after the first time he ignored you

Your therapist is talking nonsense.

If this was the first instance, I think what you did was sensible. Your child saw that you would take action rather than accept being kicked, and it’s a much more low-key solution than removing a hungry, stroppy child. Removing the child would be more likely to escalate the situation, and a 3yo would struggle to rationalise being hungry as a consequence of earlier actions, and you’d be dealing with bedtime tantrums.

The child was safe with a parent.

Did it work? Have there been further instances of dinner time kicking?

You did the right thing. Your husband should have told him off.

Are you in couples counselling because you DH doesn't care enough about you to support you when your child is kicking you?

Is the issue that he has criticised your response to the counsellor so she is now trying to find a middle ground so he doesn't feel critical of you in the future?

Be careful not to end up further embedded in an unhealthy relationship because an unskilled counsellor is making you feel like you need to put your needs to one side in favour of what the rest of the family wants. This happens a lot.

You need to stand up for your right to be treated with kindness and respect by everyone in your family. The counsellor should support you in that.

My child would have been removed from the table. They would have had a five minute timeout and no pudding.

I would have moved the child after two warnings. Having said that it doesn't seem significant enough to be discussed in therapy. Young children do all sorts of things that aren't social. They learn what's acceptable through incidents like this. I think the therapist is stretching a long bow. I would have been wildly irritated that dad didn't back me up though.

I voted Abu because the child should have been moved not you. t is just reinforcing his control over you if his actions cause you to move.

Forget the therapist, what does your husband suggest you should have done? Why did he not step up to parent? one stern word from him and the child would have stopped knowing that you two are a team. By staying quiet he condoned the behaviour. You did what you could think in the moment and I hate it when people make you feel like a bad guy for standing up for yourself. The child is child and needs boundaries. Your husband is the one at fault here and you need to change the therapist.