WIBU - DC kicking me during meal

No councillor would say that. What is all this anti counsellor stuff at the moment?

Came here to say this too. Child in the wrong. Child should be put in time out or punished

This is a salutary warning about children’s perceptions! Thank you for sharing

Removing yourself was not unreasonable and certainly won't traumatise your child. It may not have been the most effective strategy though, but there is no one-size-fits-all solution to managing behaviour.

Your husband should have your back and support your parenting over issues like this. Repeatedly being kicked is clearly undesirable behaviour past any reasonable boundaries. Him remaining a silent witness is effectively condoning the behaviour. Annoying in a 3 year old. Potentially disasterous in a 13 year old in due course.

I would probably remove the child for a short period to break the behaviour. I have an older child who sometimes comes in a silly mood and aggravates his sibling, so he will be asked to leave until we are finished. He's older and understands the situation. For a 3 year old, 2-3 mins and just being put out of reach is enough.

That said, removal of child is not always the perfect solution. DS1 had a biting phase at around 2 and was removed... it then emerged that he connected the two actions and would increasingly bite others to signal that it was time to go 🤦‍♀️ I then modified the consequence that he had to sit out in situ for about 5 mins before we would do anything else which did change the behaviour.

1 - Get a new therapist. This one sounds like a wet blanket. Also a red flag they didnt immediately ask DH wtf they were doing whilst this transpired.

2 - I wouldn't have left the table, because why the hell should you? You were the victim. If anything i think you're teaching him that he holds some kind of power.

3 - I would have made my little poppet leave the table. If you cant eat here and respect others - you cant eat here!

Just what I was thinking - almost word for word!

Therapy is a licence to print money.

The idea is that you reject the behavior, not the child. When they stop the behavior they can come back.

Another vote for DC should have been removed from the table.

How would I have handled it?
I would have removed DC from the table. Probably only a few feet back. Still in their chair. So they could neither kick me or eat their food.
id also have moved Dads food away from
him, so he had to engage in what was going on in the room!

conversation with child about consequences.

hopefully returned everyone to the table to continue the meal, without kicking. Whilst trying to have a conversation on a different topic, to not dwell on the incident.

what would I do after the therapy …. Find a new therapist! AND question why I’m there in the first place - is it because the child’s father is an adult or a child.

you say your child doesn’t have special needs? Does his father? … & I ask that genuinely, because your description of his behaviour makes me wonder.

I voted YABU simply because you should have removed the child from the table for kicking, not removed yourself! Basically what you taught the child was they should physically hurt someone if they don’t want to be near that person. Zero consequences for the child.

Kids aren't fans of a lot of things, that doesn't mean they should be pandered to.

Maybe the kid isn’t a fan of sitting at the table though and would prefer to eat elsewhere?

Your DH is the root of the problem. Your son continued kicking because even though you told him to stop repeatedly, his father kept quiet giving the impression you were not a united front. Which you weren’t. My DP would have stepped straight in after 1 kick because he wouldn’t stand for anyone hurting me or disrespecting me like that , even our child. I’m guessing your son is picking up on his fathers attitude towards you. And then after doing fuck all to help, he had the sack to bring it up against YOU in couples counselling?

Excellent comment.

next time you switch the child to a seat where they cannot kick you, therapist said that to fit what she believes. Switch therapist asap

This. You shouldn't have to move if he keeps kicking..three is young but they can really push your buttons. You leaving feels like he has got more power than you which is confusing for a 3 year old and a bit of a strange dynamic. I would just firmly remove them from the table for a couple of mins and then continue on with your chat etc. Then can rejoin when the drama is over and says sorry. And move on with the rest of your evening.

There is no one size fits all punishment model, unless you forgot to mention that you were filming an episode of Supernanny.

It may have made more sense to remove yourself, than to disrupt the mealtime, and without being there, I wouldn’t comment.

What I’m curious about is the context, and subtext of your dh’s comments in therapy. I mean I could imagine my dh stepping in to say “no, you should stay at the table” and putting the 3yo in time out, but not just sitting there calmly eating and storing up a ammunition for the next therapy session. I think it’s quite weird.

There’s a reason couples therapy isn’t advised when there is abuse in a marriage, as the therapist can be manipulated into perpetuating the abuse. The best therapists know that they are susceptible to these dynamics; poor therapists believe themselves too wise to be manipulated,

what’s the rest of your relationship like? What brought you to therapy?

Slightly different scenario, but my nephew was a kicker-under-the-table at around this age. For some reason he picked on me to kick at a family meal - 9 of us there. I really couldn't handle it at all so left the table. What I objected to most was his parents not doing anything to stop him. When on another occasion he repeated the behaviour but kicked his 80 year old grandpa instead, it was me and my DH who made him stop. His parents again didn't intervene and seemed surprised when we did. Now he is 22 and a perfectly nice young man...! No lasting harm done.

Agree with others that I'd be removing the child and not myself. Once established that the kicking was not an accident I would be losing my shit. There would be no mistaking that a line had been crossed. Sounds like you were very softly softly. "I don't want to be kicked." Opens up possibilities to kicking being ok in some scenarios. "DO NOT EVER KICK ME. WE DO NOT KICK PEOPLE." Job done.

Seconded (or thirded). And yes, I’d ditch the therapist too. Has she made you feel judged on other things?

I assume this is a joke.

Your child kicks you at the table. You remove the child!!!!

I would have removed DC. Please check that your therapist is qualified in whatever capacity they are working eg couples as their opinion in this scenario is most bizarre.

@OP The parenting space have some decent evidence based resources. They're British which I find comforting and we're developed in conjunction with one of the NHS trusts. Not sure what they have on time outs though.

In response to "should it be you or dad"
I think kicking is a behaviour so poor that in my house now or when I was a child the dad would have been straight in there to correct the child and defend his wife but tbh you can't control his behaviour, only your own, so in your shoes I'd get on with it. There's a world of difference between dad saying "you do not treat your mother like that" and a dad reluctantly saying "your mum says I have to put you in time out, she makes a fuss when you kick her" iyswim.

The therapist said I was wrong to do this, something about rejection or punishing by withdrawal I think and that my child should know I will always be there. Something along those lines.

I'd be saving my money if this is the rubbish you're paying for

Isit your child