AIBU to work outside of work hours?

@ChateauMargaux 's answer is spot on, you are a team and you need him to step up for you now, it's not forever. I would also not be guilt tripped into thinking you are "missing precious time" with your daughter, she's asleep and you have lots of life to share together - you matter too!

I thought your husband was being caring at the beginning of your post but as it went on he just seems selfish. He needs to recognise that it’s your turn to build your career, life doesn’t stop because you’re a mum.

I would caution though that working out of hours a lot isn’t sustainable, people come to just expect it. We’ve had problema with that where I work and it creates a poor working culture - it often only takes one small issue like sickness to throw everything out.

I have one evening a week where I’ll work as late as I can manage and I push back if that’s not enough. I don’t say no, I suggest what should be prioritised and give realistic timeframes. If the balls have to drop, so be it - it’s not my fault my team is under resourced.

The thing that I noticed was you not working in the evening but getting up earlier to do it. So he’s ok with you missing sleep?

There is no right or wrong here and it all comes down to what makes you happier. No one can tell you which you would rather be doing. Yes earning more and getting promotions is great on paper and of course extra money is always beneficial, but if it makes life more stressful then to me that isn't all there is to life.
Where do you draw the line when it comes to competing with everyone else? I always feel that there is a conflict between work and children - would you still be happy having to 'show willing' when it means you miss your child's sports day as it's when an important meeting is scheduled? Or there is a big project going on and you are leading it so simply can't take the time off for the Christmas play? I know some people aren't that fussed about these things.
I knew people would make a point about DH complaining and seeing this as him simply wanting you to be able to look after the children and do the house stuff, but actually it isn't a great living environment if someone is constantly under pressure from work.
I went from teacher to TA. Massive difference in wages and no opportunities for promotion BUT I can sleep at night again and I don't have the signs of anxiety and stress I had while teaching.

But its just part of the role in many sectors..in fact, my contract says that there will be times I’m
expected to work additional hours.
I also did a PhD while working full time which required some evening and weekend work. Had I failed to complete that I would have lost my job.

If my DH had complained because he found it difficult to relax when I was working I would have thought he was needy and needed to get a grip!

How long will you need to do so many extra hours, either working or studying?
Don't forget how quickly our children grow - Don't miss out on enjoying those years.

I’m studying a masters whilst working full time and I have to do it in the evenings.

If they were expecting you to work unpaid outside of your hours then I would be on DHs side but this is just part of the role you’re doing right now.

As PPs have said, his motivation for saying these things aren’t anything to do with your well-being.

He only cares about himself, either he’s having to pick up the slack of parenting and household duties or he’s not getting enough attention or he’s jealous that you’re doing well.

Ignore him and carry on.
Do not feel guilty or stressed.
He is a grown adult that can entertain himself and if you are enjoying this then carry on.

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses here.
I'd hate it if my partner expected to spend the evening working 3 nights a week?
I'd feel guilty that I was sat relaxing and tbh i dont think it's healthy to have poor boundaries over work : if you are having to work in the evening beyond your working hours you aren't managing your workload properly, and your contributing to a propagating cycle if your employer expecting everyone to work hours they aren't paid for it. Because you're doing it, others will feel they have to as well, even if they don't want to.

Many roles don’t have set hours but an expectation of what is required of you. I worked in Corporate Finance - when completing a transaction, you don’t leave at 5pm - you stay until the deal is done.
Teachers - extra hours for prep and marking
Doctors - regularly work over shift hours

I studied part time and worked full time when my children were small. Best time to do it while you are not ferrying them around to activities. Although sometimes I used that time sat outside scouts / brownies / sports etc to study in the car! Totally worth it now. Divorced and have a fabulous job that my ex is very jealous of. The money of course is helpful but the personal satisfaction I got from achieving my qualifications and the job I have now made it all worth it. We had a cleaner when the children were small that was a big help. I also worked all sorts of alternative working patterns where needed. My children also know that hard work pays off. Go for it!

How old are you? How old is he? How much maternity leave did you have?

Point out to him that marriage, careers and parenthood have peaks and troughs.. he has put the hours in, in his career and achieved a level where he is comfortable. This is your time to do that.. you can choose when to work - either start early and leave late - doing it all at the office - and he can pick up family life responsibilities, leaving you to spend time with him when you get home.. or you can do what you are doing - getting up in the morning, spending time with your daughter while he sleeps, getting home early, spending time with him and your daughter, and then working later.. set out the options... tell him that you have career goals that are not incompatible with family life, especially as he is at a position in his career where he can be present for your daughter - you are a team, where everyone's needs can be met, if you have an open and honest discussion, respecting that everyone's needs are different.

This is a really black and white way of looking at it. Some contracts are worded in a way in which there is an expectation that you will work extra hours if needed ( I know mine is) but they offer significant flexibility which makes it worth it.
Undertaking additional qualifications is always going to require extra work but again, there is often a benefit in the long run.
The OP is doing what she needs to do to progress her career now.

How does he have to do more with DD when you take on the extra work when she’s in bed?

I would lay it out. He had his chance to build his career. It’s now your time.

The fact you have a shared child during your time doesn’t mean he gets to hold you back to avoid his share in that duty.

Suggest he goes PT and allows you to could your career up to where he is.

I did some extra qualifications at night school when my children were little. My experience is that there was no negative impact on them from me sitting on the sofa surrounded by textbooks while they played with Megabloks. The housework suffered. They didn't!

As you are already aware, you have a husband problem, because he is creating an environment where you feel uncomfortable being seen studying. I think your best prospect is to keep reminding him that the course has an end-date, and that you won't get this opportunity again.

I would never do extra hours for free, so unless you are building up flexi to take the time back YABU

This pattern isn't forever it's while you qualify, I have done further post-grad qualifications at work and those periods are stressful, but finite.
He's being unreasonable

Studying is a part of many roles if you want to progress. It doesn’t last forever and can have huge career benefits

I'd not be working unpaid when I have a family and life at home but you do you.

Well most teachers do it, I’m sure lots of professions do.

Do you include men in that 'observation'?

Or just women like the OP, who's worrying that she's not going to make the most of a great opportunity because her DH is unsupportive and more concerned with maintaining the status quo.

No, it’s a snide comment and you know it.
She didn’t ask whether she should have children but you’d decided to offer up that comment anyway.

You need to do what's right for you and not just for him and maybe explain it to him in that way

I am willing you on to surpass your dh in your career.

Sadly, if you do, I would suggest you don’t expect praise and pride from him.

If you are both full time then it would be better to use the extra money for help in the home - cleaner, gardener etc. I agree with others that he claims you need to go part time so he doesn’t have to do stuff at home. It would be easier for him if you took on all the house chores.