AIBU to work outside of work hours?

I went through similar to really get my career going. First big promotion was about 5 yrs ago and I had a couple of all consuming jobs. It paid off though - in my last job and current one I’ve been able to both increase my salary and dictate my own ways/pace of working so I get the best of both worlds - high salary and lots of family time.

I agree with others who are saying listen to what your DH is saying - he resents that you’re moving towards equalling or surpassing him at work and sees the childcare as your responsibility.

My DD’s father was furious when I started climbing the ladder, I’m now significantly more senior/successful than he will ever be. Men who have these fixed ideas about gender roles and an over inflated sense of their own importance in the world hate when their women challenge their set in stone norms. They can harbour these views in a way that it’s not evident until something challenges it, then you get a nasty surprise - I think that’s what’s happening here OP.

You're not being unreasonable to want to progress in your career, and you're modelling an ambitious work and career ethic for your child.
I would say that, though! I also worked full-time and did a uni course on the side. In fact, two uni courses, the second being a PhD. The only way was to do evenings and weekends of study. My partner is now doing a masters alongside working full-time. It's their turn.
Your husband sounds as though he thinks your primary role should be running the house and being a caregiver to your child. Get a cleaner, send laundry out to a service, do whatever you need to make things easier. The alternative is that your husband takes on half of the home things. If you don't think you can even have that conversation, you've got a very big husband problem.

At the moment your in the trenches with a small child, a demanding job and doing further study that will benefit your career long term. Your DH is older than you with a management job and normal hours. He is complaining about the hours your working and the extra study. I feel he is doing this because it means he has to step up more at home with cleaning, cooking and looking after his child.
Of course if you went PT or dropped the study it would make his life easier outside work.

At this stage I would say to him that unless you do the extra hours and study now you won't progress career or money wise. Ask him does he want to work beyond retirement age because your child is still in secondary school or in university and he needs to do this money wise because your PT job won't support 3 of you and put your child through college?
Tell him you look at this as short term pain for a long term gain. I would also pay 50/50 for a cleaner and do an online shop for food to be delivered at a time he is home.

When the college year ends aim that your just doing one night a week extra work and make a plan for a family holiday then. Try to meet up with friends for the odd meal out and some child free time also.
For your own physical and mental health you need work and child free time.
As a friend of mine said work is part of life but not your whole life.

I have seen friends in your situation and this is what worked for them.

One couple I know had kids and both working full time. They got a cleaner in twice a week 2 days apart. The cleaner did all the clothes washing day 1 and hug it on drying racks in one room. They also did some cleaning that day. Day 2 was ironing and putting away clean clothes and some other cleaning.
They also did an online shop and got it delivered. They did a lot of batch cooking once a month and had individual dinners frozen from this so they had dinners ready for busy days.

One of my friends husband was doing a masters and had a demanding job. At the same time they had a small child and toddler and she was working also. She stayed in full time work.
It was hard going for a few years but it led to him getting a good promotion. They are now both upping payments into their pensions and planning to retire at 60.

In a few years time you will have your further qualifications and more experience to go for promotion or to get a better job elsewhere. Or it could lead to a job that still pays well but with less hours.

For a lot of people a career is more than just a job.
My career is a huge part of my identity.

Here's a query. Would he struggle to relax if you were doing housework around the house instead of studying?

Agree. If it's a professional job the contract almost always says that you are required to dedicate as much time to the role as may be required. It's not like a clock on clock off job where you can get flexi time or overtime pay for "extra" hours. The salary in a professional job will usually reflect that expectation.

Husband issues aside, are you sure the massive extra effort you are putting in to your job is going to pay off in the long run? Plenty of employers are happy to take every bit of free labour you can give them and then discard you when you burn out or give the promotion to someone else. It's just a job.

My DH has suggested that I don't worry about promotions etc and that maybe I'd be happier if I went part-time to have more time with DD, or moved back into a less stressful position

DH is also a lot older than I am and wants to retire soon - he's full of plans about travelling the world with friends etc and sees it as my turn to pay for a larger proportion of things

So you are supposed to work less hours, turn down promotions and step down into a more junior role whilst simultaneously earning enough that your DH can stop work altogether and travel the world while you pay for everything and look after the DC?

He's not just unreasonable, he's fucking deluded.

I’ve never worked anywhere which operated flexi hours. You just to ensure the job is done.

If your employer is paying for your course theres usually an arrangement that you get x amount of employment time to study and you put in roughly the same amount evenings and weekends. I’ve never heard of any employer offering enough working time for studying. Same for all professions as you the individual benefits more than the employer often, particularly if you change jobs!

You have worked out how to do it with the least impact on family life and he is still complaining about how it impacts on him. This is what you want to do with your spare time, yanbu.

This is one way of working but it works differently in other sectors/jobs.
I just work … I don’t monitor hours I just do what needs to be done. Sometimes this means working evenings and weekends whereas other weeks are quiter and I’ll finish early. I get paid very well for what I do, I have a lot of flexibility and very generous annual leave. I don’t see it as working for free, I’m just doing my job and working it around my life.

However, I’ve worked in roles where I’ve tracked my hours and had a flexi time policy. They were often far less flexible than my current role!

Your husband is being unreasonable.
Your current workload is temporary ( if I have understood correctly) and the end result will be a promotion and a higher salary.
Your obviously ambitious and your husbands response to this is to suggest you may be happier going part time and not worrying about promotions . Is he for real. That is clearly what would suit him.
In the last 10 years, I have completed two masters degrees as well as working full time ( we have two dc's) and my dp has not complained once, he's been my biggest supporter actually.
Have stern words with your husband, his comments stop now. Don't let his negativity bring you down.

My DH was a bit like this when we were much younger
Kept saying things like ‘don’t start working it’s the weekend’
One Sunday my plan was to go out for lunch with him and then go to work
We were not living together
He kept trying to string out the day,taking ages to get ready,to order , having another coffee
When we came out the restaurant he said it was probably too late for me to go to work
I put out my hand and hailed a taxi and went to work
He never did it again
You need a serious talk with him
Tell him what you are doing and do not allow him to stop you
Getting up early to work in secret is ridiculous
As the DC say ‘he is not the boss of you ‘

This is the sort of thing my mother says but she doesn't actually mean "some people", she means "some mothers". As is it's fine for men to spend all hours building their big important careers and hardly seeing their kids but the little woman should just do a little job for pocket money so she can be the family skivvy.

Life just isn't like that any more. Some women, even mothers (gasp) want more from their careers. Further, life is expensive, even if you live modestly. One salary isn't really enough for most families. Good parenting isn't just singing wheels on the bus and changing nappies. Good parenting involves putting a roof over your children's heads, paying bills and feeding and clothing them, all of which costs money. So good parenting usually involves earning it!

To the OP - your husband seems to want too many different things. He huffs about you doing work/study in the evening (even though this is after your child is in bed) because it makes it hard for HIM to relax and means he has to "do more". FGS he finishes work at 5pm, sounds amazing to me, he could spend an hour or so on chores and still have lots of time to relax. The more he does, the more time he will have to relax with you once you've done your work because you'll be free and not putting away washing.

Yet he also wants to retire soon and for you to pay for all the household stuff while he goes off having fun spending his pension. And how are you meant to pay for everything without improving your career prospects now? Duh. He can't have it both ways.

I never said I don't work late, I said I don't work late for free. I build up the flexi hours and can take them back when it is quieter, I frequently work beyond 5pm, but not for free.

So you’d expect your spouse to turn down an amazing career opportunity in favour of having to relax every single night together? You wouldn’t support them temporarily having to work some evenings to progress their career?Even though it’s likely to benefit you as family in the future?

I read posts like this and I am forever grateful that my husband has been nothing but supportive of me when an opportunity arose that required extra work, study and regular international travel. Rather than whinging that we’re not watching tv together every night he’s buying me books to support my job and travel guides to the places I’m visiting.
We’ve all benefited from my higher salary and my increased flexibility allows DH to focus on his role too.
Neither of us are doing the jobs we were when we met but people and lives change.

Surely as an adult you can entertain yourself for 3 evenings a week.

Why do you need to be tied at the hip to your OH?
I think that’s so unhealthy.

OP is doing a university course that will support her career in something she wants to do.
It is only temporary.

I could not be in a relationship with someone who was so needy that I couldn’t have 3 evenings a week to myself to further my career or have a hobby etc.

I married my partner expecting a certain married life where we would spend time relaxing together. If they are working all evening 3 nights a week, regularly, then that's not a lifestyle I'm interested in. For the same reason that I don't want to be married to someone working night shifts who I never see.

If someone is working in the next room, like properly working, you feel you need to be quieter, change your behaviour, to enable them to work.
Its a very different atmosphere to one where you snuggle together on the sofa watching a bit if telly and chatting.

These working cultures only arise where people allow them to and employers encourage it because it's suits them very well to have people slaving away working extra hours they aren't paid for.

Probably contributes to the poor mental health a lot of people have these days.

A lot of people are sheep and accept it when you absolutely don't have to. My husband and I both earn very good salaries and neither of us routinely works beyond our hours. Sure we'll occasionally make an exception but that's very infrequent.

I think this is a really good approach. Much easier to do longer days/extra work when you have nursery rather than school and DC go to bed early.

He is trying to keep you down. He does not want you to rise to a position which is more senior or earns more than he does. He may give lip service to supporting you or wanting the best for you but it isn't the case.

My ex was like this. Liked the idea of me qualifying to a profession and the frills it would bring. But didn't want to provide the support to help me achieve this or like the "outside normal hours " things like networking events or work normal for that profession brought if it impacted me being "his" wife! Hence he eventually became my ex.

Never let a partner treat you as anything but the queen you are or the queen you aim to be!

The OP’s DH could reduce his hours/days at work so he could do more at home, childcare, attend the millions of school events (I missed loads - DT’s couldn’t have cared less).

I think the real problem is that you and your DH are at different life stages. He’s looking forward to retirement whereas your career path is still rising.

I think that’s a much bigger conversation.

But surely it's not about your discomfort with it? If your partner wants to do it and is aiming to progress in their career, it's their choice (though obviously there can be issues over pulling their weight with parenting etc). I work in a job where it's impossible not to take work home.

I think you’re making some really huge sweeping assumptions here.
For many, career progression comes with increased flexibility. I might have a more stressful job ( at times) but working all those additional hours and gaining those extra qualifications means I’m in a role where I can organise my own time. I’ve never missed a sports day, school play or assembly. DS is collected from after school club before 5pm 99% of the time and attends multiple clubs and hobbies which we take him to.
Sometimes you need to think longer term which is what the OP is doing.