AIBU to work outside of work hours?

Huh, you have a child why don't you have a joint bank account? Your money should be pooled, what does this mean it as my turn to pay for a larger proportion of things
I read that as you have separate money (which I find weird if people are married or have children) so why is he encouraging you to have less. I genuinely don't understand this kind of set up in a relationship where one person has more than the other.

The point still remains @Greywarden whether it’s in 5 or 10 years time - your DH appears to be planning to check out of family life when he still has a dependant child. The teen years are challenging!

Is this period of stress short term? If so, then tell hubby to suck it up! It will be worth it in the long run and you don’t want your end up resenting him

You’re gross

DH is also a lot older than I am and wants to retire soon - he's full of plans about travelling the world with friends etc

My take away from this is how is this compatible with the family life and fair division of labour in the home he seems to want from you?
He won't be there for DD, or to spend quality time in the evenings with you, or to share chores.....( or perhaps with you enjoying the optimum mental health either?)
I suppose it does depend whether "travelling the world with friends" means several individual holidays to Europe , or regular months away - but I was in a relationship with someone who had much more time and money to travel and do things we would both have enjoyed - it wasn't workable - it wasn't just the time apart but the increasing gulf between our experiences day to day.( And as the non traveller it is very hard to maintain the interest and "so happy you had a great time" when you can't share that time and would like to.)

Are you aware that some people need to work full time to support their children? Or that studying in the evening significantly improves their ability to support their children in the future?

If you seriously don't understand this you should educate yourself a bit.

But I'm 99% sure you do and you're just looking for a fight.

Interesting set of circumstances to think about. I can definitely identify with the situation of a DP who has a lot more flexibility over his diary and can call the shots, move meetings or work out a particular day off if needed, against a part-time work pattern but one that has meant that some days or times are non-negotiable for going to school events. DH also works from home more than 50 percent of the time.

This looks as if you need to support each other (including supporting DC and vice-versa) in being able to run each 'programme of activities' so they fit alongside each other. People do have to change their behaviour when someone is in the home for time needing quiet and focussed work, or indeed more noisy virtual training or calls that are work-related. It's not essential, but much more successful if the quietness can happen. In my case this has affected my DD's behaviour (now teen, but the 'is it working at home, or living at work? juggle began in lockdown) and she has become much more withdrawn and in her own bubble, when at home, than we wanted. You would like support for the studying that you are doing for you, and he would like more support in the way of sociability and having home more as a place to relax and keep work at bay. The stresses that come with each aspect are a bit different in each case. When I knew someone studying intensively with children under 11, they also took on exam marking over the summer to improve things financially (a choice, but a forced one). This relationship didn't last and both parents were too stressed by spreading themselves very thinly even when expecting this was only a 2-3 year thing. They were both successful, career-wise, later, though. So I would say: make careful and strong effort to keep things normal and sociable for your children (not just activities, but having friends at home, and fun things), and be aware of how you and your DP approach times where stress and responsibility are what you feel are making demands.

You don’t think women who are mothers should have a career and work hard to progress to a more senior position ? Do you think the same about men who are fathers?

My DH cannot maintain work boundaries. He works every evening and weekend. Seeing him hunched over his laptop is really annoying. It feels almost lonely in the evenings.

I get that you want to progress in work but you are setting up working patterns that are hard to break.

Helpful much?

When studying alongside working ot does indeed more time than normal working hours.

With teacher training I would be at school all day and then have to work on my assignments in the evenings,, this was before DC.

Have some dinner then straight back to studying every night. The days before inet so it was reading books, making notes, then typing up. Xxx

This isn’t about YABU or YANBU. Both options are legitimate. Plenty of people invest in their careers by either working long hours or extra hours. But just don’t kid yourself that doesn’t come without costs. Costs in terms of less time spent outside of work, with partners, children, friends, etc. if you feel that’s worth it, continue; if you feel it isn’t, don’t.

No, it is a snide comment usually directed at a woman.

"My DH has suggested that I don't worry about promotions etc and that maybe I'd be happier if I went part-time to have more time with DD, or moved back into a less stressful position
DH is also a lot older than I am and wants to retire soon - he's full of plans about travelling the world with friends etc and sees it as my turn to pay for a larger proportion of things"

His expectations contradict each other.

He wants you to go part time instead of working extra for a promotion and so you can do the domestic things he doesn't want to. This will decrease your likelihood of advancement on the job ladder. You'll be earning less.

But he wants you to support him in his retirement. What about your retirement after you've scuttled your career advancement to do domestic chores he doesn't like and earning less to put into your retirement pot?

Guuuurl.

" I don't think it's true that DH expects me to do most of the housework and childcare "

But those were his stated objections.

And look at his plans. You guys have a toddler but he plans to retire soon and travel the world.

What will you guys be doing with your young kid?

Take a look at the people who were promoted to the higher roles you one day want to achieve, and ask yourself: Did they really work overtime and make this extra effort? You mentioned that you tend to do this in every job. Is it really necessary to take on so many extra projects to make yourself appealing on the job market?

At one point, I was in the same-level role as another lady (we were both people managers, for different regions, same volume, projects, etc.). I always closed my laptop at 5 PM and went home to my family. I progressed nicely in my career, got promoted, and was consistently rated as outstanding in annual reviews. She used to stay late at the office, work overtime all the time, and often complained that she didn’t have enough time to finish her tasks.

Make a list of all the basic tasks you need to complete and estimate how much time each one takes. Then see how much time you’re left with during your standard working hours. Use that time to take on extra projects, if needed. If you really want to show that you’re willing to go the extra mile, factor in a few additional hours that you and your husband are willing to dedicate to work.
Also, although I don't know the field you are in, think about alternative ways of doing tasks that might be faster, take advantage of AI, sometimes it prompts some nice ideas.
That’s what I would do.

I have the same tendency to get caught up in work. And at times, when it was needed, I did that—with support from my husband when it came to the house and our child. But he is also the first to keep me grounded and remind me what is truly important in life (family), and point out when work starts taking over.

Also I have a good friend that in 20 years ai know him, changed a few jobs and he always had the most demanding stressful jobs. What I want to say, is a thing about how you prossition yourself with work.

Good luck!

This is a temporary issue from the sounds of it, which should have a good pay off. For what it's worth, I have worked in the evenings as well as the day for my entire career because it's completely expected in my chosen job/sector. I actually think 3 evenings of work a week is totally reasonable. I do try to prioritise DP on the evenings that I'm not working, but I don't think it's unreasonable to do separate things 3 evenings a week. Many people do that with different hobbies.

Your DH is being totally unreasonable to expect you to magically keep up with a demanding job + do more of the childcare (getting up with the DC every morning) + manage all the housework+ have every evening free for him. I don't manage even close to half of what you are being expected to do.

Just go for it- studying isn’t forever. Point out what you’re doing family wise and really make the point that you’ll all be better off with a higher wage

Interesting that this is the post you chose to reply to, rather than the ones pointing out that your husband is being selfish and is not supporting your aspirations. Why would that be do you think @Greywarden ?

The problem os that

A) you're trying to keep up with people who don't have families
B) you're minimising spending time with him. You phrase it as just watching tv or hanging out but that is what a relationship is.

Coupled with endless tidying and decluttering, it sounds like a slog.

It'd great you want to progress and you should expect support, but the flip.sode is respecting that you are in the age and stage of having a young family and so all the extras aren't feasible for 3+ years. Your family is young now.

Perhaps the compromise is to pull back to the minimum now and focus on those extras in the final year when they will count as more recent experience.

When you signed up for this, what expectations did you have? Did you both agree to the level of work you are doing?

It depends what profession the OP is in. I work way over my contracted hours but that's the way it is in my chosen career. It's a lot easier now than it was when I was training though, and I've also learned to work smarter instead of harder and not to try and reinvent the wheel 🙂

You definitely have a husband problem. Sounds like he wants you to be in an easy, stress free part time role, which miraculously pays a high wage. Then you can be the perfect wife and homemaker.

Carry on with the career progression - if he carries on like this you might not want to stay with him. Please don't throw away the work you've done towards the degree.

If you have a young child, when on earth does he think he's going to be doing the travelling? And is it going to be your role to stay home and parent while he's off on a jolly?

He sounds like he's living in cloud cuckoo land.

This. Anyone who says “I wouldn’t work for free” / “No way would I work past contracted hours” etc has clearly never worked in a (highly paid) professional job. That’s just not how it works - you work when needed and are expected to pick up emails on weekends and holidays but in exchange you get paid a lot and there is usually a good level of flexibility.

OP - I think your husband is being unreasonable. Maybe worth reminding him what it was like when he was climbing the ladder!