AIBU to ask my friend to stop her child pestering people in a restaurant?

Zoey is actually damaging her child but treating her as an adult and sharing adult conversations with her in that manner.

I feel sorry for the child, but I'd also not be spending any more time with her mother.

Oh dear, has Zoe joined the conversation?

'here’s a mother actually bringing her child along with her simply because she enjoys her child - that little girl will grow up knowing she is loved , valued and prioritised over and above everything . That is the way children should feel rather than mum was too busy hanging out with her friends to spend time with me .'
Nope, children shouldn't feel prioritised over everything, but the fact that some people think they should explains so much. They should also grow up understanding that their parents are entitled to have time to themselves. That's healthy.

I've just remembered sn anecdote about a similar person I know. In a restaurant, and it's all adults except of course they brought their kid along.

BUT there was another kid!... Smaller, adorable, getting all the attention from wait staff and patrons (waving, gurgling, showing toys, being given treats etc).. pleasant and natural interaction started by passersby.

And person A was SEETHING. Head literally on a swivel seeing if anyone would acknowledge their own kid. Their son was largely being ignored by random members of the public just trying to get their dinner, though. As....is... Totally normal?!

So I watch in fascinated horror as they up the ante. "you LOVE raw carrots don't you darling?""shall we go see if there's any SUGAR FREE desserts?" In order to parade around at the dessert bar, child on hip, urgently smiling and trying to make eye contact with other diners. Loudly singing nursery rhymes, asking them to point out letters on the specials board, letting them attempt to order theur own food from a glazed-eyed teenage waitress.

Fascinating! I've backed off a lot, maybe she's lost forever in this cyclone of performative validation seeking.

There's definitely two types of people. Ones who will include their kids if necessary but keep them quietly entertained, and also seek kid free time as is healthy to do. And the others, who somehow imply that theirs are more important/beautiful/interesting and must be given every chance to shine, whilst overriding manners and appropriateness.

I don't tolerate it now. The unspoken implications are that other children are lesser support drones to entertain the golden one. Nah 😅😅 Be interesting to see how that first cider binge , secret girlfriend, vape addiction, mars bar addiction or similar event will go 💕😅

Luckily I’ve never met anyone like Cara’s mother.

The comment you are jealous of my bond with my daughter because you are childless is so incredibly spiteful.

She’s beyond clueless that a group of women out having fun would want to spend time making small talk with a stranger’s 8 year old.

Ironically, for someone so invested in her relationship with her female child she doesn’t value women.

I can think of one person I know who to me is overly invested in their kids. That person was very unhappy & unfulfilled job wise before having kids so I think she became obsessed with her kids to escape it all.

Your friend is definitely in the wrong, but you also come across as a bit obsessed with her.

Can't find it but basically there was a group spa day booked and after the group were sick of her bringing her daughter to adult meet ups they specifically asked her not to bring the child. She agreed but still turned up with the child, assuming that they'd all babysit for her while she had spa treatments. And iirc went mad when the spa refused to allow her daughter in because she wasn't old enough.

The child that shouldn’t have been there. The child that the OP expressly asked not to be there as she had a lot going on i.e. she needed an adult conversation.

The OP isn’t a saint, the presence of the 8 year old is on the mother.

I wasn’t aware of this new trend, but if there is a movement to banish precocious children from nice expensive adult oriented restaurants then I’m all for it!

When her children grow up and want to be with their own friends she’ll be a lonely woman.

She'll also be an awful MIL, just hope none of your sons ever get together with the woman the daughter will become. Will her Mum come on honeymoon I wonder??

You weren't wrong in what you said but I do think it was wrong to say that infront of a child. It isnt her fault that her mum's like that and it must have been awful for her to listen to her mum being called obsessed with her, selfish for bringing her places etc even though its true. I'd have walked out and said that over text or something

Everything you said needed saying. The friendship is over.

but the person I feel sorry for is Cara (and her sibling). She is being brought up by an incredibly needy and misguided parent. Through no fault of her own, she’s being encouraged to be an equal adult without the maturity to understand. And had to sit through that awful convo between OP and Zoey. If this convo had been between her two parents, MN would have been up in arms criticising the irresponsibility and abusive act.

As a mother of a beautiful, charming and friendly 8 year old girl, I can categorically tell you YANBU and your friend is batshit.

It's actually really not fair on the kid either.

That child will end up like Violet Beauregarde .... and friendless.

Honestly YABU for banging on about it.

she keeps bringing her kids and you don’t want to spend time with them? Just stop seeing her and the drama goes away

Has anyone got a link to the other thread please? I can’t search using the username for some reason

I remember your last post too and am glad you let her know her actions are unexceptable. I also had a friend who had to bring her daughter to every meet up, the daughter always took over the conversation which was really annoying.
You are better off with out this agg at the moment and I bet you find that your mutual friends will drop her too when she asks for sympathy from them.
I don't think you are in anyway selfish or self centred. Hope you find yourself in a better space soon.
Oh and not everyone has MH problems there are people who are just plain selfish like your so called friend.
I would be annoyed if I was in a restaurant with my friends and a kid came up pestering us and the parent did nothing about it.

To answer your question OP, if I was one of the women I would tell (and have done) Cara to go away in no uncertain terms. I don’t like precocious children and I dislike their parents even more.

I remember when a woman brought her toddler along to a spa hen day (I already needed shooting!!) when she had already been told it was not allowed. It was a Saturday, her dh was at home, but she thought we’d all love to see her child! She had to sit in the foyer and then it sort of snowballed to all of us sitting in bathrobes in the draughty foyer for hours. Including eating stupid spa healthy lunch on our laps. 😡

I think the friendship has come to an end hasn't it. Whatever the reason for her bringing her kids (and it could just be she really likes to be with them) you are not getting what you are looking for here and should just let her go. I'd try to be civil as you don't know what the future holds, although that ship has sailed a bit possibly. It's hard to make new friends OP but seems like you could do with a couple. Best of luck to you

Parents are often obsessed with their own children but intelligent enough to know that other adults won’t feel the same about them. I can think of nothing worse than entertaining someone’s eight year old while trying to have an adult conversation. It’s not the fault of the child - it’s your friend who’s bringing her up with a massive sense of entitlement.

She may learn the hard way that by not reining her in now she’ll be a nightmare when she’s older. I wouldn’t be contacting your friend - you made yourself clear and it’s up to her if she wants to address it.

If you ever agree to meet up with her again and she brings a child along go home. Don’t dance to her tune. When her children grow up and want to be with their own friends she’ll be a lonely woman.

I had kids later in life than a lot of my friends, so was the one sometimes stuck with having to take a child to meet ups when no one else was. I avoided doing so whenever possible but was grateful to those who were willing to put up with it. We adapted things to make it easier - took my hyperactive child for a walk in the park and chatted while watching them in the playground, as opposed to a cosy chat at home over coffee, for example. I never really liked having my friend's kids come out with us when I was childless so I understood others didn't really want mine there either.

I don't dislike kids in general, far from it, I've worked with them all my life, but it's fine to prefer adult only company socially - and fairly normal, I'd say!

Your friend cares nothing for your point of view OP. She's not a good friend. Maybe one day Cara will stop wanting to come and you can decide if there's anything left to salvage.....

So report both posts then.

I hate it when posters post things like 'that never happened' or 'I don't believe you'. It's pointless. If a thread isn't to my taste, I don't bother reading or posting. I don't try and derail it.

There is no fact checking on Mumsnet and we have to take people at their word. If you can't do this, Mumsnet isn't for you.

YADNBU. It’s ok to bring a child along sometimes, but on this occasion it was clearly adult time and Cara shouldn’t have been brought along. I wonder if she did actually ask to go or if that was just her mum’s excuse. Obviously, I don’t know either of them so can only guess, but either Cara is spoilt and allowed to rule the roost, liking to demand to take part in adult social events, or her mum is very insecure and is moulding Cara to be her special friend, a friend who will always do what she says, never criticise and always worship. Narcissists like friends like that and can and do try to mould their children into mini-worshippers and sources of narcissistic supply.

The fact Zoey allowed Cara to interrupt the other adults and didn’t see anything wrong with it, is strange. Yes, ‘Mummy wants you to go back to your table now’ is polite code for ‘go away’, so the adults clearly weren’t happy. I think Zoey is trying to mould her daughter into a little mini-me worshipper. She is doing Cara a huge disservice.

Ah I see. I don’t usually read these kinds of threads so I wasn’t aware it was a thing!

I feel sorry for her other child 😢
YWNBU