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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my friend to stop her child pestering people in a restaurant?

337 replies

Letsblameitallonperi · 04/07/2025 23:55

I was meeting up with a friend Zoey today I hadn’t seen for a few weeks, I was really looking forward to seeing her.

We had arranged to have lunch in a proper restaurant (not the usual child friendly places) and I was hoping we could have some wine and adult conversation.
Almost every time I meet up with Zoey she has brought at least one of her two kids and it’s been difficult to talk properly.

It’s frustrating because her husband has even offered to look after them when we meet on a Friday because he has an early finish, Zoey often just laughs and says “oh it’s ok wildhorses likes to spend time with the kids” or something along those lines. Last time her husband could obviously tell I wasn’t impressed and gave me a regretful shrug, he tried pushing it but Zoey ignored him so I know it’s definitely not her husband behind this.

I posted on mumsnet a few months ago and was asked if it was possibly her husband being controlling and making her take the kids or refusing to look after them, I think I can confidently say that’s not the case, the last time he offered he seemed to be frustrated when Zoey turned down his offer and even asked if she didn’t trust him with his own kids, Zoey just laughs and insists I’m happy with the situation.
I was also given advice to suggest just one on one time and say I’d like to see her alone in a more adult environment, I followed this advice and told Zoey I wanted her advice on something I was really struggling with and wanted to talk to her properly as we can never discuss anything when she’s distracted by the kids.

I was surprised she actually agreed and so I wasn’t impressed when I turned up to see she had her daughter with her (it seems to be always her 8 year old daughter Cara she brings) and she said we could have a “girls afternoon”.

I was so pissed off I nearly walked out, I thought I’d been clear and Zoey knows I’m having a really rough time and I just wasn’t up for entertaining her daughter or listening to her many many stories.
I asked where Adam (her husband) was and if he was looking after her other child, Zoey said yes but Cara wanted to come.

It wasn’t a great day, everything we talked about was met with “who is that mum?” “Why did she do that?” “What does that mean?” When I gave up trying to have a conversation Zoey encouraged Cara to tell me all her “news” and I can assure you it was gripping stuff 🤦🏼‍♀️.

I was just going to leave and decided the friendship was over and there was no point having any big discussions or explaining I’d had enough, I realised Zoey just wasn’t interested enough to meet me alone and I wasn’t wasting my free time having “girlie lunches” with a 8 year old.

Just before we left Cara insisted on a pudding and as we were waiting there was a group of 4 women at the next table in their twenties/thirties who looked like they were having a great time laughing and drinking wine.
Cara went over to their table and started talking to them, they were polite but obviously weren’t that happy to be disturbed, after a few minutes one woman said “I think your mummy is waiting for you to go back to your table”
I waited for Zoey to tell her to come back but she waved her hand and said “ohh it’s fine she loves chatting to new people”

Thats when I had finally had enough, I told Zoey that Cara might like it but not everyone wants to be best friends with an 8 year old and that was a polite way for them to tell Cara to fuck off. Cara was out of earshot for that remark but obviously Zoey wasn’t happy, she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter.

I’m not proud but I retaliated by saying she was obsessed with Cara and that’s obviously because she wasn’t mature enough to see her friends her own age and that even her husband seemed to think it was odd. I said other friends were absolutely fed up of Cara coming everywhere, sulking when she wasn’t invited to weddings, attempts to bring her on nights out and even spa days, I said she’d made Cara her whole identify and was selfish, boring and I hoped Cara would let her join in at birthday parties and her play dates because her friends were all sick of her.

We didn’t make a scene in the restaurant, it wasn’t shouting or anything, more hissed insults. Cara wasn’t upset and just sat eating her pudding and listening as usual, I’m surprised we didn’t get feedback from her.

In the end I just walked away and I am now cringing at how pathetic it was that two adults in their forties were arguing with a child listening.
I haven’t heard from Zoey and I think I’ll block her, I’ve spoken to another friend who said she knows I’m struggling with a lot and she wasn’t surprised I’d got upset when I’d asked for support from my best friend and been ignored and then made to feel like I was unreasonable for wanting some time with her alone.

The main thing that pissed me off and the reason I posted was the fact Zoey wasn’t just bothered about ruining our day but she would have let Cara stay pestering the women at the next table, it just made me realise how selfish she has become.
I want to know if I was unreasonable for asking Zoey to tell Cara to come away from the other table or if I was just projecting my own annoyance and the women probably didn’t mind that much?
I have had a very difficult few weeks with a bereavement, I’ve just had surgery and I’m having mood swings from perimenopause, I’d appreciate honest opinions if I overreacted or not?

I expect some people will tell me IWBU and it’s normal to love your children and be proud of them, I hope there are a few others though that would have finally had enough and snapped?

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 05/07/2025 10:17

I remember your other posts too.Good for you she needed to be told.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/07/2025 10:13

Yanbu to have lost your shit and to point out that the women on the other table were clearly telling the random kid to fuck off. Kindly, but clearly.

I think you were BU to have that argument in front of the child. IMO, you should have made an excuse to leave and then said it later out of earshot of the child, either by phone or by text or whatever.

Eldermileniummam · 05/07/2025 10:11

Well done OP

As if she didn't understand what “I think your mummy is waiting for you to go back to your table” means 🙄

MyDadWasAnArse · 05/07/2025 10:11

I'm neurodivergent and as a little girl I was like Cara. My mum was the polar opposite of Zoey, as I was constantly told by my mum, Grandma and aunt what a nuisance, bad girl, cheeky little madam I was and asked "why can't you just behave!"

There's a middle ground with parenting in this situation.

Eldermileniummam · 05/07/2025 10:09

Well done OP

dontcryformeargentina · 05/07/2025 10:06

Zoey doesn’t care about you or other people. Selfish and entitled. I used to have a friend like that. We are not friends anymore. Don’t waste your time on this friendship, it’s one sided

bakebeans · 05/07/2025 10:04

I remember your previous thread. She sounds absolutely intolerable.

WaltzingWaters · 05/07/2025 10:01

I cannot see at all how you sound entitled and self-absorbed as a PP suggested. Quite the opposite actually and you’ve endured spending time with her children, doing child-based activities for years. It’s your friend who sounds entirely entitled and self-absorbed, and unfortunately her DD is going to be the same with the lack of boundaries and self-awareness she’s being given.
Your friend is bonkers and you’ve done the right thing. I have a toddler, I’d never let him go and bother a bunch of adults having a good time for longer than a 20 seconds saying hello!

Thatsalineallright · 05/07/2025 09:57

Your are totally in the right, OP. I'd let the friendship drop (but wouldn't block) and leave it up to Zoey to maybe one day see the light.

ToadRage · 05/07/2025 09:57

I'm sorry you had to go through this and lose a friend like that. Some people do become child obsessed when they have kids, they think everyone adores their child as much as they do and will not teach their child their word 'No'. By turning down her husbands offer of care she clearly had no intention of meeting you without her child and by telling him you didn't mine shows she clearly has neither knowledge or care for you or your situation. My husband and i were good friend with a lovely couple and they have had two children and the meeting for lunch every few months (they live far away) has turned to 3 times in the last ten years. They even posted pics of them visiting tourist attractions near us but didn't bother let us know they were nearby. It seems inevitable to lose friends to their children or even family, I once tried to reach out to my aunt who i was close to before she had kids, i suggested something for just the two of us and he response was 'I'm sure [DD's name] would love that' when i tried to steer her away saying i thought i could only afford two tickets she then said she wouldn't come but i could take her daughter as if wanted to be a babysitter for the day. we never spoke of it again and I have only seen her since at family events with her daughter.
Let her go she clearly didn't value the friendship the way you did, enjoy the god memories but find some childless friends.

BMW6 · 05/07/2025 09:49

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/07/2025 09:28

Do you talk like you write - ie. 100 words when 10 would do? It strikes me that "Zoey" doesn't fancy the intensity of a lunch devoted to you and your big problems. She knows that you don't like it when she brings her child along - so she brought her this time to ensure that you got really pissed off and walked away from the friendship, meaning that she doesn't have to do the hard work of calling it a day. She has quite skilfully left that to you.

Do you have to practice being a gobshite or does it come naturally?

Meetmeundertheclock · 05/07/2025 09:46

We have someone like this in our wider family. Our observations are.
She married lateish, nearly 40. One daughter, safety conscious never took her eyes off her. Would not allow her to go to her cousins or stay with an Aunt. Which was out of character for the family. Everybody visited and slept over in summer. Child not encouraged to have a bicycle or catch buses, swimming was a necessary safety activity.
Now they have a 35 yr old recluse. Mother only has her life in village and her husbands job and hobby for interest.
Nothing changes nor will it.

LBFseBrom · 05/07/2025 09:40

wordywitch · 05/07/2025 00:03

Zoey is a bad friend with low self esteem who uses her children to shield her from participating in adult life. Good for you for calling her out on her bullshit. Block, delete, bye!

Yes!

Most mothers are glad to have a bit of time away from their kids occasionally, with adult company and talk.

You are well out of that one.

HopscotchBanana · 05/07/2025 09:33

Whyamialwayslate · 05/07/2025 05:46

It’s your perception children are annoying to others , just cos you get annoyed doesn’t mean everyone does . many people are happy to chat to children , they are just smaller humans after all and having the confidence and social ability to strike up chats with people is a great skill and learning opportunity . Safe guarding issue Catch yourself on she’s having a chat with a group of women at next table in a public place , her mother is sat right there supervising!

Nice try, Zoey

WhatNoRaisins · 05/07/2025 09:31

I remember a classmate who just couldn't resist shouting out her every opinion and talking over teachers. I always wondered if her DM had taken a similar approach as Zoey with some idea of boosting her confidence whilst actually making her into a really arrogant and irritating personality.

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/07/2025 09:28

Do you talk like you write - ie. 100 words when 10 would do? It strikes me that "Zoey" doesn't fancy the intensity of a lunch devoted to you and your big problems. She knows that you don't like it when she brings her child along - so she brought her this time to ensure that you got really pissed off and walked away from the friendship, meaning that she doesn't have to do the hard work of calling it a day. She has quite skilfully left that to you.

Soontobe60 · 05/07/2025 09:27

YABU because you chose to criticise a friend in a public place and in the presence of a young child.
YANBU to prefer to meet up child free though. You have gone about this in completely the wrong way.

MathsandStats · 05/07/2025 09:27

Oh dear. This is incredibly short sighted behaviour on Zoey's part.

Firstly, treating your 8 year old like a mini adult, involving them in adult days out and adult conversations, is not good for the child. They won't thank you for it in the long run.

Secondly, children grow up and leave home. Your job as a parent is to give them the confidence to one day make a life separate from yours. When Cara leaves home or goes to university in probably only 10 short years, Zoey is going to really regret not keeping her adult friendships.

the7Vabo · 05/07/2025 09:21

Jonesboot · 05/07/2025 09:12

Oh dear, has Zoe joined the conversation?

'here’s a mother actually bringing her child along with her simply because she enjoys her child - that little girl will grow up knowing she is loved , valued and prioritised over and above everything . That is the way children should feel rather than mum was too busy hanging out with her friends to spend time with me .'
Nope, children shouldn't feel prioritised over everything, but the fact that some people think they should explains so much. They should also grow up understanding that their parents are entitled to have time to themselves. That's healthy.

Show quote history

It’s missing the point that the child has another parent who is capable of & willing to look after her. She wasn’t being left with a babysitter (not that babysitters are a bad thing).

Children particularly by the age of 8 need to understand that they are not the centre of the universe. Otherwise they risk growing into adults who think the are the centre of the universe.

Im glad my children are aware that I have friends. Friends are a very important part of life, it’s good for them go understand that & in turn value their own friends.

i would never let my children infringe in other people in a restaurant. Those people are there to enjoy their own meal not provide free entertainment for my child. It’s basic manners, decency & respect.

RazAnn · 05/07/2025 09:20

Letsblameitallonperi · 05/07/2025 00:45

That’s fair enough I appreciate the feedback, just out of interest can I ask how I’ve been self absorbed and entitled?

I have spent years meeting up with my friend in soft play, McDonald’s and had endless nights at her house when Zoey refused to come out.

I have attended the kids birthday parties, school plays, bought birthday and Christmas presents and listened for hours when Zoey talks about them.

I haven’t seen my best friend alone for as long as I can remember and she probably doesn’t know much about my life as I can’t discuss it in front of her kids.

I appreciated we were in different stages - especially when the kids were very young, and when everything had to revolve round them but she could easily find free time now. If she had no childcare options I’d be more understanding but she chooses to bring them everywhere.

My other friends have kids and it doesn’t affect our friendship and they are also fed up with the situation.

Do you think I’ve been expecting too much?

Show quote history

I am a parent and when meeting with friends it was always clear whether this was with or without children. If I had no childcare, I wouldn't dream of not explaining this before meeting up. In the case of the venue being a smart restaurant, I'd 100% NOT have turned up with a child in tow. We'd have either postponed or adjusted our arrangements.

Hopefully, in the next few years, the child will be allowed to make her own friendships and become independent. In the meantime, just stick to keeping in touch online and focus on other friends.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/07/2025 09:17

I remember the spa thread. I feel very sorry for Cara having to hear your argument with Zoe, but that is entirely Zoe’s fault not yours. You’ve tried really hard to get through to Zoe and she’s completely ignored it. I think it’s time to give up and walk away.

For what it’s worth, eight is not a difficult age, the behaviour you describe from Cara is not typical of an eight year old and is likely due to her mother over indulging her all the time.

Morgenrot25 · 05/07/2025 09:17

I'd be inclined to decline any offers to meet up with 'Zoey' in future.

Surreymum538 · 05/07/2025 09:17

God OP stop posting about this woman and her child. Just let her be. Clearly she doesn’t want to meet alone so either slowly fade from this friendship or continue it knowing full well she’s not interesting in meeting without the daughter.

but at this point the amount of threads you’ve made about her is weird. It’s almost like you just want people to pile on and say how weird she is. She’s supposed to be your friend.

the7Vabo · 05/07/2025 09:14

JackdawRoost · 05/07/2025 09:06

I've just remembered sn anecdote about a similar person I know. In a restaurant, and it's all adults except of course they brought their kid along.

BUT there was another kid!... Smaller, adorable, getting all the attention from wait staff and patrons (waving, gurgling, showing toys, being given treats etc).. pleasant and natural interaction started by passersby.

And person A was SEETHING. Head literally on a swivel seeing if anyone would acknowledge their own kid. Their son was largely being ignored by random members of the public just trying to get their dinner, though. As....is... Totally normal?!

So I watch in fascinated horror as they up the ante. "you LOVE raw carrots don't you darling?""shall we go see if there's any SUGAR FREE desserts?" In order to parade around at the dessert bar, child on hip, urgently smiling and trying to make eye contact with other diners. Loudly singing nursery rhymes, asking them to point out letters on the specials board, letting them attempt to order theur own food from a glazed-eyed teenage waitress.

Fascinating! I've backed off a lot, maybe she's lost forever in this cyclone of performative validation seeking.

There's definitely two types of people. Ones who will include their kids if necessary but keep them quietly entertained, and also seek kid free time as is healthy to do. And the others, who somehow imply that theirs are more important/beautiful/interesting and must be given every chance to shine, whilst overriding manners and appropriateness.

I don't tolerate it now. The unspoken implications are that other children are lesser support drones to entertain the golden one. Nah 😅😅 Be interesting to see how that first cider binge , secret girlfriend, vape addiction, mars bar addiction or similar event will go 💕😅

General comment, children can bring out a competitive streak in parents.

I know people who I never thought of as competitive who became exceptionally competitive when they had kids, but not about achievements it was about how much attention their child received including compared to other children.

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