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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my friend to stop her child pestering people in a restaurant?

337 replies

Letsblameitallonperi · 04/07/2025 23:55

I was meeting up with a friend Zoey today I hadn’t seen for a few weeks, I was really looking forward to seeing her.

We had arranged to have lunch in a proper restaurant (not the usual child friendly places) and I was hoping we could have some wine and adult conversation.
Almost every time I meet up with Zoey she has brought at least one of her two kids and it’s been difficult to talk properly.

It’s frustrating because her husband has even offered to look after them when we meet on a Friday because he has an early finish, Zoey often just laughs and says “oh it’s ok wildhorses likes to spend time with the kids” or something along those lines. Last time her husband could obviously tell I wasn’t impressed and gave me a regretful shrug, he tried pushing it but Zoey ignored him so I know it’s definitely not her husband behind this.

I posted on mumsnet a few months ago and was asked if it was possibly her husband being controlling and making her take the kids or refusing to look after them, I think I can confidently say that’s not the case, the last time he offered he seemed to be frustrated when Zoey turned down his offer and even asked if she didn’t trust him with his own kids, Zoey just laughs and insists I’m happy with the situation.
I was also given advice to suggest just one on one time and say I’d like to see her alone in a more adult environment, I followed this advice and told Zoey I wanted her advice on something I was really struggling with and wanted to talk to her properly as we can never discuss anything when she’s distracted by the kids.

I was surprised she actually agreed and so I wasn’t impressed when I turned up to see she had her daughter with her (it seems to be always her 8 year old daughter Cara she brings) and she said we could have a “girls afternoon”.

I was so pissed off I nearly walked out, I thought I’d been clear and Zoey knows I’m having a really rough time and I just wasn’t up for entertaining her daughter or listening to her many many stories.
I asked where Adam (her husband) was and if he was looking after her other child, Zoey said yes but Cara wanted to come.

It wasn’t a great day, everything we talked about was met with “who is that mum?” “Why did she do that?” “What does that mean?” When I gave up trying to have a conversation Zoey encouraged Cara to tell me all her “news” and I can assure you it was gripping stuff 🤦🏼‍♀️.

I was just going to leave and decided the friendship was over and there was no point having any big discussions or explaining I’d had enough, I realised Zoey just wasn’t interested enough to meet me alone and I wasn’t wasting my free time having “girlie lunches” with a 8 year old.

Just before we left Cara insisted on a pudding and as we were waiting there was a group of 4 women at the next table in their twenties/thirties who looked like they were having a great time laughing and drinking wine.
Cara went over to their table and started talking to them, they were polite but obviously weren’t that happy to be disturbed, after a few minutes one woman said “I think your mummy is waiting for you to go back to your table”
I waited for Zoey to tell her to come back but she waved her hand and said “ohh it’s fine she loves chatting to new people”

Thats when I had finally had enough, I told Zoey that Cara might like it but not everyone wants to be best friends with an 8 year old and that was a polite way for them to tell Cara to fuck off. Cara was out of earshot for that remark but obviously Zoey wasn’t happy, she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter.

I’m not proud but I retaliated by saying she was obsessed with Cara and that’s obviously because she wasn’t mature enough to see her friends her own age and that even her husband seemed to think it was odd. I said other friends were absolutely fed up of Cara coming everywhere, sulking when she wasn’t invited to weddings, attempts to bring her on nights out and even spa days, I said she’d made Cara her whole identify and was selfish, boring and I hoped Cara would let her join in at birthday parties and her play dates because her friends were all sick of her.

We didn’t make a scene in the restaurant, it wasn’t shouting or anything, more hissed insults. Cara wasn’t upset and just sat eating her pudding and listening as usual, I’m surprised we didn’t get feedback from her.

In the end I just walked away and I am now cringing at how pathetic it was that two adults in their forties were arguing with a child listening.
I haven’t heard from Zoey and I think I’ll block her, I’ve spoken to another friend who said she knows I’m struggling with a lot and she wasn’t surprised I’d got upset when I’d asked for support from my best friend and been ignored and then made to feel like I was unreasonable for wanting some time with her alone.

The main thing that pissed me off and the reason I posted was the fact Zoey wasn’t just bothered about ruining our day but she would have let Cara stay pestering the women at the next table, it just made me realise how selfish she has become.
I want to know if I was unreasonable for asking Zoey to tell Cara to come away from the other table or if I was just projecting my own annoyance and the women probably didn’t mind that much?
I have had a very difficult few weeks with a bereavement, I’ve just had surgery and I’m having mood swings from perimenopause, I’d appreciate honest opinions if I overreacted or not?

I expect some people will tell me IWBU and it’s normal to love your children and be proud of them, I hope there are a few others though that would have finally had enough and snapped?

OP posts:
Taytayslayslay · 05/07/2025 11:32

Letsblameitallonperi · 05/07/2025 00:45

That’s fair enough I appreciate the feedback, just out of interest can I ask how I’ve been self absorbed and entitled?

I have spent years meeting up with my friend in soft play, McDonald’s and had endless nights at her house when Zoey refused to come out.

I have attended the kids birthday parties, school plays, bought birthday and Christmas presents and listened for hours when Zoey talks about them.

I haven’t seen my best friend alone for as long as I can remember and she probably doesn’t know much about my life as I can’t discuss it in front of her kids.

I appreciated we were in different stages - especially when the kids were very young, and when everything had to revolve round them but she could easily find free time now. If she had no childcare options I’d be more understanding but she chooses to bring them everywhere.

My other friends have kids and it doesn’t affect our friendship and they are also fed up with the situation.

Do you think I’ve been expecting too much?

Show quote history

Nope, I have 2 kids and even id be sick of this behaviour

Schoolchoicesucks · 05/07/2025 11:18

I voted that you were BU. Not for wanting to spend time with your friend without her daughter there, obviously, but for how the situation ended up hissing at one another in the restaurant.

When she is insisting to her husband that you like spending time with her daughter and he is giving you sympathetic looks - that is when you should have said "actually Zoey I would like to spend some adult time with just you so thanks Dave that is great if you can look after both kids this time".

It sounds as though this friendship is over. You probably should have ended it sooner, but now that you have (in her mind) blamed everything on her daughter then I expect she has called time.

Assume you are no longer friends and don't dwell on it.

PreetyinPurple · 05/07/2025 11:17

I was friends with someone and our DDs are the same age.
The worst thing is when you go out having left your DD and then they bring theirs and think you are going to be totally fascinated by them.
Her DD was also very attention seeking and would listen to the conversation and repeat every word back to her dad etc. Nope.

Utterlyconfusednow · 05/07/2025 11:16

Brefugee · 05/07/2025 11:14

well done, OP. Stick to it, your life will be better for it, and maybe it will encourage others in your friend group to be firmer in refusing to have the child at adult activities like a spa.

FWIW, i was once in a group where a child was behaving like this. One friend - after repeated polite attempts to send it back to its parents - stood up, took the child (gently, before everyone gets their knickers in a twist), spoke to the parents and then came back, without the child, and we carried on.

Apparently she said if child comes back we will be teaching it the best swear words, and telling it to ask it's parents what wanking is.

🤣

Brefugee · 05/07/2025 11:14

well done, OP. Stick to it, your life will be better for it, and maybe it will encourage others in your friend group to be firmer in refusing to have the child at adult activities like a spa.

FWIW, i was once in a group where a child was behaving like this. One friend - after repeated polite attempts to send it back to its parents - stood up, took the child (gently, before everyone gets their knickers in a twist), spoke to the parents and then came back, without the child, and we carried on.

Apparently she said if child comes back we will be teaching it the best swear words, and telling it to ask it's parents what wanking is.

Utterlyconfusednow · 05/07/2025 11:09

thepariscrimefiles · 05/07/2025 11:02

The post was long but easy to read and provided all the necessary information without later drip-feeding.

If your theory is correct, Zoey should have just declined the invitation. I don't think it is correct btw. She obviously loves any opportunity to bring her daughter along to adult meet ups uninvited where she can impress other adults with her precocity.

Show quote history

I agree, all the OP’s posts are very articulate and easy to read.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 05/07/2025 11:07

Letsblameitallonperi · 05/07/2025 00:36

I’d probably get more insight from talking to a brick wall.

She has seemed to take it in when people have raised it in the past but then turns it round that it’s actually everyone else who is wrong and unreasonable and I realised today she seems to think comments are from jealousy and she thinks her relationship with her daughter is something to be admired and aspired to.

I was going to give up but I had some great advice on the last post and when she said she’d meet me alone I thought I’d got through to her. She had obviously never intended to come alone in the first place.

I know it’s a horrible thing to say about a child and 8 is a difficult age, her daughter just isn’t pleasant to be around. It’ll be how she’s been brought up but she acts like she knows everything, interrupts, argues and gives her opinion on everything.

Zoey either tells her things about other peoples lives or she overhears but Cara asked me if my sister was still considering a divorce or if she had worked things out with her husband. I have never discussed this in front of Cara and I wouldn’t expect her to know or be interested about it.

I’m just glad I can have a rant on here because it’s hard to bring it up to other friends without sounding bitchy. I know one friend is a lot more sympathetic and she sticks up for Zoey and said we should all be a bit more understanding and patient and one day Cara won’t be interested in joining her mother and friends.

I was sticking it out waiting for that day to come but 8 is pretty old to still want to be tagging along and I’ve read posts on here about people taking their teens everywhere. I am done with it all now!

Show quote history

“I know it’s a horrible thing to say about a child and 8 is a difficult age”
It’s not a difficult age! It’s one of the easiest ages there is - out of the early years where they need everything doing for them and you have to watch them constantly, but before the teenage attitude begins to show. You can have really enjoyable chats and time spent together at that age.
It’s not the age, it’s the child and how she’s clearly been treated like the world revolves around her.

YANBU btw.

Loulabelle1234 · 05/07/2025 11:05

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I would have said something way before you did. Your friend is crazy and obviously cant see that any grown woman doesn't not want to spend their downtime with someone else's 8 year old. I think you should leave it until she contacts you,if she doesn't then it's a shame but this friendship wasn't making you happy anyway.

DrowningInSyrup · 05/07/2025 11:03

YANBU about feeling this way about have Cara attending every lunch date etc, but YABU stating that everyone is sick of Cara infront of her. That's pretty hurtful stuff for an 8 year old to hear. I don't think you need to worry about texting her or blocking her, I'd be really surprised if you hear from Zoey again.

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/07/2025 11:02

BMW6 · 05/07/2025 09:49

Do you have to practice being a gobshite or does it come naturally?

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@BMW6 That was my honest opinion of the situation and this is AIBU. I'm not naturally a "gobshite" I don't think, I often post in full support of an OP and with thoughtfulness to other posters (including to you very recently).

JayJayj · 05/07/2025 11:02

I remember your previous post.

I think this has been a long time coming. It’s unfortunate that her child was there but I don’t think you’d have had chance to say it without her.

I would block her and move on.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/07/2025 11:02

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/07/2025 09:28

Do you talk like you write - ie. 100 words when 10 would do? It strikes me that "Zoey" doesn't fancy the intensity of a lunch devoted to you and your big problems. She knows that you don't like it when she brings her child along - so she brought her this time to ensure that you got really pissed off and walked away from the friendship, meaning that she doesn't have to do the hard work of calling it a day. She has quite skilfully left that to you.

The post was long but easy to read and provided all the necessary information without later drip-feeding.

If your theory is correct, Zoey should have just declined the invitation. I don't think it is correct btw. She obviously loves any opportunity to bring her daughter along to adult meet ups uninvited where she can impress other adults with her precocity.

AmyDudley · 05/07/2025 11:00

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/07/2025 09:28

Do you talk like you write - ie. 100 words when 10 would do? It strikes me that "Zoey" doesn't fancy the intensity of a lunch devoted to you and your big problems. She knows that you don't like it when she brings her child along - so she brought her this time to ensure that you got really pissed off and walked away from the friendship, meaning that she doesn't have to do the hard work of calling it a day. She has quite skilfully left that to you.

Do you always talk absolute bollocks ?

Frugalgal · 05/07/2025 10:59

You were not unreasonable at all. Perhaps you should have been more direct with her earlier but I get the sense that it probably would not have made any difference. Seems like she's made the child her personality which is sad. Also deeply weird not letting the dad spend time alone with his kids.

Yellowpingu · 05/07/2025 10:56

I remember your spa thread. It’s probably highly unpopular in MN-land but in your shoes I’d have happily told Cara to leave the other table in peace after one of them made that comment. ‘Cara, the ladies want to get on with their lunch. Come back here and tell me more about XYZ.’ Even though it would be the last thing I wanted to hear about! Yes, I do have DC and yes I’d have been happy for a good friend to politely redirect them.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/07/2025 10:54

Surreymum538 · 05/07/2025 09:17

God OP stop posting about this woman and her child. Just let her be. Clearly she doesn’t want to meet alone so either slowly fade from this friendship or continue it knowing full well she’s not interesting in meeting without the daughter.

but at this point the amount of threads you’ve made about her is weird. It’s almost like you just want people to pile on and say how weird she is. She’s supposed to be your friend.

Edited

Two threads about two different incidents. I hate people who police threads as if they are some higher authority. If a thread is annoying you, scroll past and don't bother posting.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/07/2025 10:51

All I can say is WELL DONE 😎 she needed telling. I wish I had the guts to say that.

Itisnotdownonanymap · 05/07/2025 10:46

I don't blame you at all for finally running out of patience, I had a friend whose youngest dd would hang around us listening when all other kids were off playing and it would really irritate me.

This is really extreme and very unhealthy for Cara.

LadyQuackBeth · 05/07/2025 10:40

You are right about the child bothering people, I'd have probably called her back myself because I'd be so embarrassed by it.

I think you are right on theory but that you can learn from this, learn not to be polite and careful with what you say up until the point you explode. With hindsight you can see it would have been better to be clearer with her in the first place, telling her that you didn't want children tagging along or saying (clearly not hinting) that you think Clara should stay with her DH. There were too many assumptions on your part that didn't consider how thick skinned and oblivious she is, you let it go on and on until breaking point.

So you are not wrong overall but could have handled it better, both you and her DH were too wet and this is the consequence - everyone is more upset than they needed to be.

BlueandPinkSwan · 05/07/2025 10:39

Citroenc1 · 05/07/2025 00:31

Zoey sounds crackers and you come across and self absorbed and entitled (sorry, no idea about the other posts? You clearly are in very different stages of your lifes. no need to block her. the friendship ran it's course. Find childless friends!

Why exactly os OP self absorbed and entitled? You haven't read previous posts to don't know the bacground for OP being quite rightly pissed off.
Most people do not want to be bothered by other peoples little darlings, I certainly don't and I've had six.
You are entitled to your opinions but realise others will agree with the OP.
There is no need for the childless jibe, you don't know OP's circumstances anyway.
Not everyone wants kids and many people who have them can't look after them properly anyway. Hence the pushing their kids onto others.
"She just wants to talk to you random person while you are eating your hard earned expensive [for me] meal with your friends."
That would earn a "Well we don't want to speak to her/him so parent your kid at YOUR table."
I don't want to be pestered or hung around by your bloody kids or your dog so fuck off.
Rant over

hettie · 05/07/2025 10:39

You've given time to think this through previously and tried to shift this dynamic. Z is wrong to read this as jealousy.
I actually really really feel for C as tis sounds a very unhealthy dynamic. Children need to know who the adult is and have boundaries to feel safe and develop a healthy sense of self. Z seems a lost cause .....but pity her poor kids

Clara202 · 05/07/2025 10:32

You should send Zoey this thread, and the one from a few months ago. Cara sounds like a pain, free time in today’s world is precious, I wouldn’t want to spend it with Cara either!

CleverLilacOP · 05/07/2025 10:28

She is in for a rude awakening when in a few short years her daughter goes off out with her own friends and Mum isn’t invited along! I generally wouldn’t mind an 8 year old tagging along for a catch up as they are older but absolutely not if you needed private adult conversations. I didn’t agree however with arguing in front of the child but understand you reached the end of your tether!

stclementine · 05/07/2025 10:26

TimeFliesin2046 · 05/07/2025 08:12

Ah I see. I don’t usually read these kinds of threads so I wasn’t aware it was a thing!

Show quote history

It’s not, apart from in the fevered imaginations of posters like that one 🙄

Twiglets1 · 05/07/2025 10:24

Sorry you have lost your friend but honestly she needed to hear a few home truths. It is rude to let 8 year olds chat to groups of adults in restaurants for more than a couple of minutes, unless the adults are actively encouraging it rather than just being polite.

One day her daughter will no longer want to hang around with mummy all the time and then your friend will wonder where all her old friends went. At least she will understand why you and her don't talk anymore.

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