Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my friend to stop her child pestering people in a restaurant?

337 replies

Letsblameitallonperi · 04/07/2025 23:55

I was meeting up with a friend Zoey today I hadn’t seen for a few weeks, I was really looking forward to seeing her.

We had arranged to have lunch in a proper restaurant (not the usual child friendly places) and I was hoping we could have some wine and adult conversation.
Almost every time I meet up with Zoey she has brought at least one of her two kids and it’s been difficult to talk properly.

It’s frustrating because her husband has even offered to look after them when we meet on a Friday because he has an early finish, Zoey often just laughs and says “oh it’s ok wildhorses likes to spend time with the kids” or something along those lines. Last time her husband could obviously tell I wasn’t impressed and gave me a regretful shrug, he tried pushing it but Zoey ignored him so I know it’s definitely not her husband behind this.

I posted on mumsnet a few months ago and was asked if it was possibly her husband being controlling and making her take the kids or refusing to look after them, I think I can confidently say that’s not the case, the last time he offered he seemed to be frustrated when Zoey turned down his offer and even asked if she didn’t trust him with his own kids, Zoey just laughs and insists I’m happy with the situation.
I was also given advice to suggest just one on one time and say I’d like to see her alone in a more adult environment, I followed this advice and told Zoey I wanted her advice on something I was really struggling with and wanted to talk to her properly as we can never discuss anything when she’s distracted by the kids.

I was surprised she actually agreed and so I wasn’t impressed when I turned up to see she had her daughter with her (it seems to be always her 8 year old daughter Cara she brings) and she said we could have a “girls afternoon”.

I was so pissed off I nearly walked out, I thought I’d been clear and Zoey knows I’m having a really rough time and I just wasn’t up for entertaining her daughter or listening to her many many stories.
I asked where Adam (her husband) was and if he was looking after her other child, Zoey said yes but Cara wanted to come.

It wasn’t a great day, everything we talked about was met with “who is that mum?” “Why did she do that?” “What does that mean?” When I gave up trying to have a conversation Zoey encouraged Cara to tell me all her “news” and I can assure you it was gripping stuff 🤦🏼‍♀️.

I was just going to leave and decided the friendship was over and there was no point having any big discussions or explaining I’d had enough, I realised Zoey just wasn’t interested enough to meet me alone and I wasn’t wasting my free time having “girlie lunches” with a 8 year old.

Just before we left Cara insisted on a pudding and as we were waiting there was a group of 4 women at the next table in their twenties/thirties who looked like they were having a great time laughing and drinking wine.
Cara went over to their table and started talking to them, they were polite but obviously weren’t that happy to be disturbed, after a few minutes one woman said “I think your mummy is waiting for you to go back to your table”
I waited for Zoey to tell her to come back but she waved her hand and said “ohh it’s fine she loves chatting to new people”

Thats when I had finally had enough, I told Zoey that Cara might like it but not everyone wants to be best friends with an 8 year old and that was a polite way for them to tell Cara to fuck off. Cara was out of earshot for that remark but obviously Zoey wasn’t happy, she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter.

I’m not proud but I retaliated by saying she was obsessed with Cara and that’s obviously because she wasn’t mature enough to see her friends her own age and that even her husband seemed to think it was odd. I said other friends were absolutely fed up of Cara coming everywhere, sulking when she wasn’t invited to weddings, attempts to bring her on nights out and even spa days, I said she’d made Cara her whole identify and was selfish, boring and I hoped Cara would let her join in at birthday parties and her play dates because her friends were all sick of her.

We didn’t make a scene in the restaurant, it wasn’t shouting or anything, more hissed insults. Cara wasn’t upset and just sat eating her pudding and listening as usual, I’m surprised we didn’t get feedback from her.

In the end I just walked away and I am now cringing at how pathetic it was that two adults in their forties were arguing with a child listening.
I haven’t heard from Zoey and I think I’ll block her, I’ve spoken to another friend who said she knows I’m struggling with a lot and she wasn’t surprised I’d got upset when I’d asked for support from my best friend and been ignored and then made to feel like I was unreasonable for wanting some time with her alone.

The main thing that pissed me off and the reason I posted was the fact Zoey wasn’t just bothered about ruining our day but she would have let Cara stay pestering the women at the next table, it just made me realise how selfish she has become.
I want to know if I was unreasonable for asking Zoey to tell Cara to come away from the other table or if I was just projecting my own annoyance and the women probably didn’t mind that much?
I have had a very difficult few weeks with a bereavement, I’ve just had surgery and I’m having mood swings from perimenopause, I’d appreciate honest opinions if I overreacted or not?

I expect some people will tell me IWBU and it’s normal to love your children and be proud of them, I hope there are a few others though that would have finally had enough and snapped?

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 12:58

Whyamialwayslate · 05/07/2025 05:40

I feel perhaps that your friend is not meeting your needs at this stage in your lives . You have a certain expectation of the friendship , you have certain things you want to do and discuss with your friend and you feel her child gets in the way . This is very common in friendships where one has children and one doesn’t . I think it’s unfair to say some of the things you said about her and her child , she’s obsessed with her child as a lot of mothers are , she might not be being the type of friend you want right now but she’s prioritising her child as she should and is being a good mother . Many mothers treat children like an inconvenience and try to go on living their lives as if they are child free , fobbing their kids off to every babysitter they can find, wasting their kids precious younger years by not making time for them , here’s a mother actually bringing her child along with her simply because she enjoys her child - that little girl will grow up knowing she is loved , valued and prioritised over and above everything . That is the way children should feel rather than mum was too busy hanging out with her friends to spend time with me . However I completely understand that if she’s not your daughter and you don’t want to spend your time hanging out with some kid . I’m sure you would feel very differently if you also had kids and yous all hung out together . But at this stage of your life it just seems yous are in different places . You’re prob right to be done with her as it’s sounds like your very frustrated and it sounds like she doesn’t make kid free time for you for whatever reason . Yea I didn’t feel you needed to manage her kid talking at the table , I’m sure it wasn’t a long time and if people want to get annoyed by an innocent child taking a few mins to talk to them that’s their problem . To be honest I feel sorry for Cara in all this, it’s not her fault her mother brought her along , it’s not her fault you’re having such big feelings about her , she shouldn’t be witnessing the two of you arguing about her presence as if she’s some burden and making her feel responsible for your big feelings , you are are grown adults she is a child !

Mothers should have time to themselves with their mates without their kids present.

why does a child needs to be prioritised above everything else? Surely it’s good for kids especially girls to see their mother also prioritise their friends and having a life away from being a mother? @Whyamialwayslate

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 12:55

Moonnstars · 05/07/2025 05:18

I remember the spa day post and it sounds like she hasn't changed at all. The fact she could leave one child at home shows there isn't an issue doing this and she is just being rude and ignoring you when you asked to meet her alone.
I think this friendship is done. Up to you if you send a message explaining this or to just not block and move on.

@Moonnstars

why is difficult? We’re talking about them being separated for an afternoon, not six weeks? This Zoey is gonna be so lonely when Cara grows up and doesn’t wanna be with her all the times as she’ll have fucked all her friends off

Utterlyconfusednow · 05/07/2025 12:45

latetothefisting · 05/07/2025 12:44

Why are people absolutely scrabbling for the most unlikely excuses like Zoey being afraid to leave her dd with her own dad, rather than the most obvious explanation, which is unfortunately pretty common, that Zoey thinks her child is uniquely special and fascinating and so surely everyone else agrees?

This has been happening for 8 YEARS. If Zoey had such significant concerns about leaving her dd with her dad she would be an absolutely terrible mum to have carried on living with him in the same house, with unlimited access to her.

In 8 years she's never asked another friend or her sister or her mum or a babysitter to keep an eye on Cara for an hour while she met up with friends, even after (see spa thread) her friends have repeatedly told her it's an issue?

After being told repeatedly people don't want Cara to come she hasn't taken the opportunity to confide in even one of her closest friends that there's a reason she needs to bring Cara - it wouldn't even have to be the truth, she could make something up?

She's done none of that - she repeatedly says she WANTS to bring Cara, Cara WANTS to come, and doesn't care that other people don't want her there.

If the only issue was her not wanting to leave Cara with her DH then how do you justify her doing the same thing to the bunch of women on the other table?

Wholly agree, well said.

latetothefisting · 05/07/2025 12:44

Why are people absolutely scrabbling for the most unlikely excuses like Zoey being afraid to leave her dd with her own dad, rather than the most obvious explanation, which is unfortunately pretty common, that Zoey thinks her child is uniquely special and fascinating and so surely everyone else agrees?

This has been happening for 8 YEARS. If Zoey had such significant concerns about leaving her dd with her dad she would be an absolutely terrible mum to have carried on living with him in the same house, with unlimited access to her.

In 8 years she's never asked another friend or her sister or her mum or a babysitter to keep an eye on Cara for an hour while she met up with friends, even after (see spa thread) her friends have repeatedly told her it's an issue?

After being told repeatedly people don't want Cara to come she hasn't taken the opportunity to confide in even one of her closest friends that there's a reason she needs to bring Cara - it wouldn't even have to be the truth, she could make something up?

She's done none of that - she repeatedly says she WANTS to bring Cara, Cara WANTS to come, and doesn't care that other people don't want her there.

If the only issue was her not wanting to leave Cara with her DH then how do you justify her doing the same thing to the bunch of women on the other table?

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 12:44

Citroenc1 · 05/07/2025 00:31

Zoey sounds crackers and you come across and self absorbed and entitled (sorry, no idea about the other posts? You clearly are in very different stages of your lifes. no need to block her. the friendship ran it's course. Find childless friends!

@Citroenc1

How does she sound self absorbed and entitled?? She doesn’t need her friends to be childless she needs them to just not be weird like this Zoey is!

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 05/07/2025 12:43

I think this is a combi of things, you're not being unreasonable at all but I suspect

  • you're at totally different stages, she is clearly mid family life, wanting to spend all spare time with her kids, if she works she might miss them during the week
  • you clearly need someone to listen to you and be there for you, for very valuable reasons which doesn't mesh with children at all
  • she may notice you're not a fan of her daughter and want you two to bond (bad approach but she will think her children are wonderful and want you to see it too)

She does seem over the top, but maybe you needed to be more direct to make it clear you needed a quiet listening meet up. Or maybe she's just an awful friend. Or maybe somethings going on (separation anxiety on daughters part, some kind of issue with your friend, anxiety)
I think you're right to give it all some space for a bit, she's not being a good friend and you need one right now. Prioritise yourself, seek support elsewhere, maybe she'll apologise and come round, maybe she won't but that's all on her to explain.

BlueandPinkSwan · 05/07/2025 12:38

AmyDudley · 05/07/2025 11:00

Do you always talk absolute bollocks ?

Show quote history

Love this in response to lindo There are several posters on here talking the same.😄

dottiedodah · 05/07/2025 12:32

Hi OP ,I dont think YABU at all! When my DC were younger ,I relished a night out or lunch with the girls, or my close friend.Once only my DD came out to the Italian Restaurant ( My birthday,)and felt very special and pleased.She was collected by DH and we went to a club( My 40th) and she went home with Daddy.I think that this sounds weird and not very healthy TBH. At 8 she should have chums of her own age .Divorce is not a suitable topic for a young girl .I think you may have to accept this is how she is maybe .Some Mums want a Mini Me to have in tow .Doing nails and hair and "girly things" sounds like this is what shes like.I would see your other friends instead .She is going to have a shock when her DD is a teenager!

Utterlyconfusednow · 05/07/2025 12:26

diddl · 05/07/2025 12:24

she waved her hand and said “ohh it’s fine she loves chatting to new people”

I would have had something to say to her if that had been her response when I was out with friends!

You should have just walked away when they arrived.

Yes, zero self awareness.

diddl · 05/07/2025 12:24

she waved her hand and said “ohh it’s fine she loves chatting to new people”

I would have had something to say to her if that had been her response when I was out with friends!

You should have just walked away when they arrived.

the7Vabo · 05/07/2025 12:18

OfficerChurlish · 05/07/2025 12:04

It also crossed my mind that Cara might be, justifiably or erroneously, afraid of being left with Adam and Zoey is desperate to keep this a secret and maybe overcompensating by centering and spoiling Cara. (The fact that the other child doesn't mind may not be relevant.)

Otherwise, the dynamic is completely unhealthy; Adam and Zoe each need child-free time and the children need time with each parent. And if Cara genuinely wants "a girls' afternoon" or "girlie lunches" (misleading expressions, as Cara is actually a girl but her mother and her mother's friends are not) then it would be nicer for her if Zoey took her out on her own, or invited one or more of Cara's same-age friends along.

I think your response was unfortunate and you probably feel regretful and guilty about that, which may be why you're focusing on this so much. However, after she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter I'd be pretty much finished with Zoey too.

It’s the last bit, the last bit is a nail in the coffin IMO

Longyitudeed · 05/07/2025 12:17

Zoey is ghastly and has been a selfish PITA for years.
Those women were kinder than I would have been.

Such ignorance to allow your child interrupt the meal of others.
Clearly you have tolerated far too much for years, as have your other friends.

Not normal.
Most women would have cut her off the second time she dragged a child along to an adult evening.
It is a complete No no.

Don't contact her. The relationship is over for years.
Move on. She's awful.

IberianBlackout · 05/07/2025 12:16

I don’t know the word for it, but it kinda sounds like she’s forcing the child to participate in adult settings as an emotional crutch (similar to parentifying, but… friendifying?).

My mum did this and it’s very unhealthy. The kid will grow up thinking she’s on par with adults and that can lead to very dangerous situations. Prime grooming material because she won’t be able to tell inappropriate adults apart.

Stressedoutmama123 · 05/07/2025 12:12

As a mother with an 8 year old and we are on the spectrum….you are not being unreasonable OP.

toughtimestoday · 05/07/2025 12:07

I had a friend like this. It never stopped. Her daughter is an adult now and I see on Facebook that every single time she goes out with any friends the daughter is still there. It wasn't for me so I pulled away - it was the assumption that I wanted her to be there when I never ever invited her myself! I have two now grown children of my own and I never brought them along!!

YerArseInParsley · 05/07/2025 12:07

Letsblameitallonperi · 05/07/2025 00:45

That’s fair enough I appreciate the feedback, just out of interest can I ask how I’ve been self absorbed and entitled?

I have spent years meeting up with my friend in soft play, McDonald’s and had endless nights at her house when Zoey refused to come out.

I have attended the kids birthday parties, school plays, bought birthday and Christmas presents and listened for hours when Zoey talks about them.

I haven’t seen my best friend alone for as long as I can remember and she probably doesn’t know much about my life as I can’t discuss it in front of her kids.

I appreciated we were in different stages - especially when the kids were very young, and when everything had to revolve round them but she could easily find free time now. If she had no childcare options I’d be more understanding but she chooses to bring them everywhere.

My other friends have kids and it doesn’t affect our friendship and they are also fed up with the situation.

Do you think I’ve been expecting too much?

Show quote history

U aren't. That person is talking 💩

itgetsthehoseagain · 05/07/2025 12:05

OP, those things you said were the things we all wish we’d said in the hours following an argument when we regret not having said them! Well done!

OfficerChurlish · 05/07/2025 12:04

It also crossed my mind that Cara might be, justifiably or erroneously, afraid of being left with Adam and Zoey is desperate to keep this a secret and maybe overcompensating by centering and spoiling Cara. (The fact that the other child doesn't mind may not be relevant.)

Otherwise, the dynamic is completely unhealthy; Adam and Zoe each need child-free time and the children need time with each parent. And if Cara genuinely wants "a girls' afternoon" or "girlie lunches" (misleading expressions, as Cara is actually a girl but her mother and her mother's friends are not) then it would be nicer for her if Zoey took her out on her own, or invited one or more of Cara's same-age friends along.

I think your response was unfortunate and you probably feel regretful and guilty about that, which may be why you're focusing on this so much. However, after she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter I'd be pretty much finished with Zoey too.

ASongbirdAndAOldHat · 05/07/2025 11:55

What happened at the spa? I remember reading about the fact she might come but not what actually happened.

Yanbu btw

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/07/2025 11:53

Got lumped in a flat at halls of residence with a Cora. Her mum, who had given birth to her late compared to others, insisted on coming to stay with her for ‘the Uni experience’ one weekend each term. Her mum had never been to Uni. And she wanted to do the whole nine yards. And she was early 50’s. I’m not much older and couldn’t think of anything worse.
She once got us to call her mum to tell her she needed looking after - she had a cold! Her dad drove her mum over and she stayed in bed with her for two nights. We all had it, basically fought over a few sachets of Lemsip and got on with it.
Even though she ‘went away’ to Uni she didn’t settle. And this was before mobile phones! Her mum was a nice lady but it used to drive us mad!!!

IPreferShoesToIssues · 05/07/2025 11:46

Look, you are both in different places. She is in fully absorbed kiddie mode and can’t see that no one else thinks her DC are adorable.

I love kids, but my own, no one else’s.

That said, why can’t you get her support on the phone? I’m a very busy working mum and I would be a bit pushed to drop everything and come listen to your problems. Why can’t you call her up to discuss?

latetothefisting · 05/07/2025 11:45

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/07/2025 09:28

Do you talk like you write - ie. 100 words when 10 would do? It strikes me that "Zoey" doesn't fancy the intensity of a lunch devoted to you and your big problems. She knows that you don't like it when she brings her child along - so she brought her this time to ensure that you got really pissed off and walked away from the friendship, meaning that she doesn't have to do the hard work of calling it a day. She has quite skilfully left that to you.

This is a really bitchy post. You could have made the exact same point without the unnecessary digs.

Besides which, the thing you're missing is that lots of people on here remember OP's previous thread, where she explained that Zoey has done this repeatedly, to all of their friends, in big meet ups and small.

So for your theory to be correct Zoey would have to secretly be sick of all her friends, but instead of just slowly freezing them out and making excuses to not meet up she spends time and money repeatedly coming to events with her dd in the hope they will eventually get sick of her and tell her to not bother coming. When they do she will ignore it and do the same thing again, and then they'll really blow their top and save her the effort of ending the friendship. Because that is somehow easier and less awkward?

BrentfordForever · 05/07/2025 11:42

YANBU but OP you need to learn to let go…..

Itsseweasy · 05/07/2025 11:41

I do feel sorry for Cara being brought up this way as she’s going to end up totally enmeshed with her mother and it’s extremely unhealthy for her.
However, that’s Zoey’s fault and not your problem.
I think many people would understand that this was the last straw for you - you have my sympathy and I wonder whether Zoey was ever really the good friend you thought she was. People don’t suddenly become entirely self-absorbed overnight.

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 05/07/2025 11:34

Just to jump to the worst possible conclusion - but could she perhaps actually not trust her husband with her daughter and that’s why she never leaves her? Is the other child a girl or boy? Younger or older? We never know what goes on behind close doors and it is odd that she never wants to leave her daughter (but is happy to leave the other, I think was mentioned somewhere?)