DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

There's a reason we as a society have funerals. It's not just a pointless exercise to make money for funeral directors. It shows respect, honours the deceased person, and shows support and care for the bereaved. It feels hurtful when people you'd expect to come, for the reasons above, don't bother to turn up.

I wouldn't let it sour the relationship - I'd try not to, anyway - but I'd be hurt and saddened.

In other words you’re going to roll over and allow it…..to keep the peace. You’re going to allow your seemingly kind and wonderful late mum to be disrespected by this selfish girl?

Yeah, me too.

What difference does it make that she wasn’t there.

she is 24, a very selfish stage in life, probably not been to a funeral before and dreaded the thought of it
funerals are for the living.
it is a shame she could not be honest with you though

Probably, as we are having unattended cremations anyway.

Okay so if your partner died and you had concert tickets?? Would you still have the attitude that he’d be dead anyway and head off happily?

It's not about the grandmother, really. It's about the DSD not caring about supporting her grieving step siblings or being kind to her step mum. Then twisting the knife by lying about it.

Of course I would drop absolutely anything if my DD was ill and needed to go to hospital.

thats not comparable though to a step relative than hasn't been in my life since the starts funeral being on a day I had probably spent £100s of pounds on tickets though.

the step grandmother has died. She is still going to be dead if the DSD does to the funeral or not.

however if my daughter was ill and I don't take her to hospital, then that's neglectful and could endanger her.

nothing will change if the DSD sticks to her plans and doesn't go to the funeral.

This is a pointless generalisation, because even if you could prove and quantify it, you still have no idea whether it applies the people being talked about. They might be going to their caravan and talking about booked annual leave, or have paid extra for flexibility. Your own holidays are not the standard here. It was an assumption.

Additionally, it's immaterial to the point you initially took issue with, which was me correctly paraphrasing for another poster what OP wrote about how they'd chosen the funeral date and DSD not having told them about the concert.

Yes. Why are relatives different from anyone else?
Thank goodness I won't be having a funeral, because the trouble they cause is ridiculous.

But plans get changed - death being a pretty good reason to do so. If you had a dinner reservations and your partner/family member etc dropped dead would you shrug and say well I don’t want to miss out and go anyway? If you had a concert planned and your child/pet/partner needed to go to hospital, would you refuse to accompany them because they didn’t give you advance notice of being ill?
It’s such a strange mentality.

She shouldn't have lied, but funerals aren't compulsory.
They're also not transactional, eg you have to go because someone left you some money.
If she had wanted to go, she would have done. But she didn't want to - and that's fine.

Because she isn't actually as important. Fairly typical of step relationships in my experience. Held to the same (or higher) standards, but not actually considered equally.

No one is obliged to grieve anybody though.

this woman was kind enough to leave some inheritance to her and her behaviour is pretty crap, but, you can't make someone grieve someone.

the DSD had prior plans and I don't think it's completely unreasonable that she loses out on her concert to attend her step grand parents funeral.

her lying is pretty crap but I don't think she's unreasonable.

Wrong to lie, funerals are in the daytime and could have been there and gone to the concert afterwards.

Holidays generally can’t be moved without expense. But DSD knowingly queued up for Wimbledon on the day of the funeral, after already going to Wimbledon on Monday.

I'm annoyed on your behalf and I'd be reevaluating my relationship with the step daughter.

1. she lied and said she had work
2. she posted on her social media knowing your daughter would see it
3. she could've gone to the funeral then concert after
4. she goes to Wimbledon every year!
5. she could've gone to Wimbledon any other day of the week. It's not just taking place on one day
6. wimbledon will always be on every year. She could've missed it this one year or go on different day
7. she queued up at 4am for Wimbledon tickets? Would she have been planning to go to work anyway if up before 4 am queueing? Nope, she never had work to begin with
8. the funeral is not a repeatable event
9. the concert is a repeatable event-she can see those artists anytime. No idea who they are (was it worth missing a family event for this? Hardly a once in a lifetime event
10. grandma left 15k when she only knew her 8 years
11. she should have wanted to go a support her step mother and sister. She didn't care
12. no one is owed anything but surely a decent person would be grateful for receiving 15k and attend funeral
13. sister messaged how was work without even mentioning the funeral. The fact that she responded by messaging on the family chat saying the funeral slipped her mind. But how did she know/remember when no one asked her why didn't she didn't attend funeral. She clearly knew it was
14. she may have run a marathon supporting the charity of the same illness your mother had but a lot of posters say people apply first without having a charity, then decide later on. I don't get the impression she purposefully ran the marathon due to grandmas illness
15. Grandma cared enough to gift her 15k when she didn't need to. But step daughter didn't care enough to make effort to attend the funeral
16. sister Is 17 and probably cares more about her grandma than 15k. I don't believe she is stirring. Likely upset that her nan has died and sister doesn't care/unsupportive/lied
17. shes 24! A fully grown adult and should know better
18. dad making an excuse that we all grieve differently. She's not grieving at all! She doesn't give a shit.

I know it's your mother and people will say you are grieving, emotions are high but she wasn't supportive of you, sister and her blended family as a whole so in the future think about that the next time she wants support from you.

I would definitely let this sour the relationship. By that I mean of course keep being polite but I would take a massive step back emotionally.

Your DSD is 24. That is definitely old enough to offer emotional support to her younger step siblings and to be kind to you in your bereavement. Instead she's prioritised Wimbledon.

That's her choice, but by making it she's clearly showing she doesn't value the family relationship you have and doesn't love you back. I'm sorry, but that's how it is.

Even the fact that her half-hearted apology was as a text message instead of a phone call or in-person chat shows how very unbothered she is by all this. She just doesn't care. Which is fine, she's not obligated to, but then I would definitely match her energy and stop caring for her in return.

But if she was as important and attendees as other biological family members why was the date not checked with her first.

We don’t know if she knows about the money!

I'd be very upset. A funeral is too pay your respects to the deceased and to offer condolences and support to the loved ones left behind.

Your DSD had shown zero respect to the deceased and clearly doesn't care about supporting her step siblings or you.

To make matters worse, she lied about it. But of course is happy to accept 15k. What a horrible human being.

Or setting a boundary and being honest with her mother. I would tell my mother if someone was lying to her face and I’m a lot older than 17 and I would certainly want my daughter to tell me. Honesty is really important in relationships and frankly the SD needs to learn that lying to people has consequences. She obviously didn’t care if she was found out - she put the info out on social media which does seem to be a deliberate two fingers - unless she has an intellectual disability, it would seem she was trying to make some kind of point?

Just wanted to say your mum sounded like a wonderful, generous person.

She was very thoughtless, but young people often are. (I can remember things I did in my 20s that make me cringe now.) Your mum was not her grandmother, though it was obviously very generous and lovely of her to leave an inheritance for DSD. I would forgive and forget, and move on.

I think you’re conflating the issues. Just because someone doesn’t attend a funeral, doesn’t mean they don’t ‘deserve’ an inheritance. And does anyone ever really deserve an inheritance anyway? That was your DM’s choice to make. She’s young, impressionable and your DM was not her DGM. I’d be annoyed about the lies/deception but I wouldn’t hold not coming to the funeral against her. I’d consider the marathon a much greater tribute to be honest. And what would DGM honestly have wanted? My DGPs would have told me to go and have fun over attending their funerals any day!