DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

It's her step Grandparent, it is fine that she didn't attend.

Not great to lie but she probably felt awkward when it became clear you expected her to go.

If I had dsc there is no way I'd expect them to attend my parent's funerals.

The 15k is nice but irrelevant and a bit inappropriate to mention it tbh as you've now added she may not even be aware of it.

I’m generally anti-funeral but I agree that the lying whilst posting publicly is disrespectful to you and I can understand why you’re upset, however, I’d concentrate on getting through the day and dealing with your feelings around that. You may find you feel differently afterwards, funerals can compound difficult feelings.

Sorry for your loss. X

I was going to say you’re unreasonable but if she was left money, the least she could do is pay her respects at the funeral. That’s really poor form.

Honestly, while I appreciate that you are currently grieving, this doesn’t give you the right to dictate to everyone else what they do with their time.

Your step-daughter did a lovely thing for your mother while she was alive and could appreciate it. Funerals are for the living. When my mother died my PIL did not attend and neither did my only SIL and BIL or their children and I really didn’t mind and nor would my mother have - she was very much of the opinion that time should be spent with the living and living life as it’s the only one that you get.

As for your DD I suspect your step-daughter will be very cautious around her now as your DD knew exactly what she was doing when she showed you the instagram.

The inheritance is irrelevant.

Sure you would. 🙄

No wonder so many not born in the UK or have non UK heritage think that Brits have no culture aside from consumption.
This thread justifies that notion.
Not even the US is so raw with it.

It is a bit crappy and disappointing. I think the issue for me is perhaps less about gratitude or money (your mums fairness in her will to a step child is really admirable though) though it that clearly rankles, but more about about not caring about you enough, no sense of empathy or sensitivity or even duty?

I would put it down to naivety and immaturity (perhaps even awkwardness and fear?) I remember not really getting it at 19 when my step grandfather died. My step mum was devestated, but it didn't really touch me in the same way and I expected her to go on mumming as normal. (I did however cancel my inter-railing trip but I think I was actually using as an excuse not to go rather than any sense of real concern). I am very sad that I didn't do better now and I hope my step mum didn't think less of me because of it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Try and concentrate on yourself, the loss of a parent is a huge thing and you don't need to be taking on anyone else's behaviour. It's totally reasonable to be pissed off with her, but if you can put it aside for now I would.

she has to live with herself op - that is her punishment

Nothing like a wedding or a funeral to mess up a family is there ?

Nobody here, even OP, knows what her step-daughter’s motives were and none of us are in a position to judge her. Speculation about her motives and projecting posters own imagined responses to the situation are ridiculous. I could say maybe she’s shying away from the funeral because it would upset her too much but that is valid/invalid as anyone else’s. Shame she lied and has been found out but, again, nobody knows her motivation.

If OP wants to tell her she’s upset/disappointed, then so be it.

Circumstances have meant I been unable to attend three funerals and two weddings in the last 6 years and I’ve realised afterwards I didn’t want to go to any of them anyway. Granted, I’m a lot older than OP’s step-daughter but I’ve realised all this talk of duty and obligation and supporting other people is other people’s views, not necessarily mine. Duty and obligation don’t help the deceased and have never helped me, in fact have frequently had a negative impact on me.

Oh, and don’t get me started on ‘respect and honour’. I respect and honour people when they are alive, I spend time with them, give them flowers etc. ‘Respect and honour’ are in other people’s eyes.

I'm not convinced there's much to take a step back from. OP doesn't sound bothered about the lack of support from someone she has close relationship with, rather irritated that she didn't show face.
She's dad's wife. It's fine for it be a bit lopsided (if it is). Only one of them opted into the relationship. Friendly is a good thing, it doesn't need to be anything more.

I’m not planning to withhold inheritance

That would be against the law for a start.

It's good you're not going to remain upset with someone you didn't prioritise when arranging the funeral date, potentially has no idea they're a beneficiary in the will, and ran a marathon to raise money for your mum's illness charity.

I'm not sure her explanation helps an awful lot. I was younger than 24 when my grandparents died and I certainly knew what day their funerals were. I didn't attend all of them (due to my age and distance). but I was thinking about them and my parents on those days.

I don't think all funerals are morbid, mawkish affairs, as some PP claim. It's quite easy to remember someone, celebrate their life and support other family and friends for a few hours. DSD seems very self-centred DH not really addressing that.

There's a difference between being rude (silent treatment etc) and being reserved. If I were the OP I would treat the DSD as an acquaintance from now on, matching the energy of her dsd. So I wouldn't do any favours or go out of my way to help, but I would make polite chit chat whenever saw her.

Yes, the DSD doesn't care that much. The OP on the other hand says that she loves her DSD. It's sad when relationships are so lopsided and I think the only solution is for the OP to take a massive step back emotionally.

But perhaps she doesn't care all that much? Which isn't such an awful thing in my opinion. They didn't grow up together, OP didn't raise her. Blending and closeness cannot be forced upon adults.
A friendly relationship is a positive thing, OP is right to let it be.

But would you lie about it? To me the lying is the problem and I wouldn't be able to forgive that

What would you suggest?

The OP give her step daughter the silent treatment, and throw it in her face every time there’s an argument??

She’s wisely going to forgive her. We were all young and a bit selfish when we were younger, and i’m sure our parents didn’t hold it against us until the rapture.

What's done is done. It's not a case of allowing it, it's already happened. I would feel the same as the OP - and I might feel a bit differently towards DSD going forward - but it would be worse to cause a massive family rift. And I doubt that is what OP's mum, who sounds like a lovely person, would want.

Yep, because that would be what he wanted....he'd probably come back to haunt me if I didn't.

A lot of replies are based around the inheritance, but you say you don't even know if she knows about the money? I don't know why you mentioned it at all in that case
And of course you aren't planning to keep the money from her, you have no say in anything your mother's will says, it has to be followed regardless of anyone's behaviour or feelings around it.

No she is going to be an adult, and not let a bad mistake by a young person end an important relationship in her and her DH life.

Rubbish. Good on your daughter OP for calling out your SD awful behaviour. She didn't need to lie to you. She could have told you that she had tickets for a concert but would be thinking of your mum and all of you that day. She is selfish and deceitful. It was a lovely thing your mum did to include her in the will with her grandchildren. She doesn't deserve it. I'd be letting her know how disappointed I was and asking her why she felt the need to lie to everyone.

It’d good she apologised and you feel you can let it go.
she was selfish and should have just confessed she wanted to go to the events - lots of young people would do this, hopefully she’ll see the lying bit was the worst part.

No one wants to go to a funeral. They’re bloody awful, and of course they’re optional.

No one has a gun to your head to make you go. That’s such a daft thing to say.

I’m sure people just enjoy being contrary on here.