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Original poster

DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

587 replies

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:12

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 05/07/2025 16:45

That makes it worse! Her colleague swapped based on DSD needing to go to a funeral and she decided to go and do what her colleague had planned? She’s despicable.

The colleague heard them talking about Wimbledon and offered to swap. Not the funeral.

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:44

PennyAnnLane · 05/07/2025 16:41

I agree with this, step daughter has her own grandparents, this is her dad’s new wife’s mum that she met as an adult.

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Exactly. And FWIW I don't think OP is unreasonable to feel disappointed, but I don't think DSD is unreasonable either. It's just a mismatch of expectations at a difficult time. Which OP is handling very well imo.

Superger · 05/07/2025 16:43

Is 16 adult in the UK?

I’ve a I6 year old, still an awful lot of growing up to do.

PennyAnnLane · 05/07/2025 16:41

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:07

It's a step grandmother she only knew as an adult. Barely a family member in my opinion.

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I agree with this, step daughter has her own grandparents, this is her dad’s new wife’s mum that she met as an adult.

Superger · 05/07/2025 16:40

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:20

For all you know she already does. We know fuck all about the relationship between them.

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OP has said she loves her DSD and also that her DSD and DD are fairly close.
So we know that.

Superger · 05/07/2025 16:35

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:43

Would she really have liked her to have been there? Or does she just think she ought to have been there? Because there's a big difference.

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OP says
”However we would have really appreciated her to be there today…”
and
”I do wish she had been there and think she was selfish not to be, but I do love her…”

It sounds like she’d have liked her to have been there imho.

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 16:24

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:20

For all you know she already does. We know fuck all about the relationship between them.

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@Digdongdoo

i hope she does!

Lemonysnipit · 05/07/2025 16:22

GillieLo · 05/07/2025 11:05

DSD has called me this morning, which isn’t really normal for her in the first place usually she would call her dad.

She was very apologetic and explained that when she asked her manager for the day off originally she was told no as she works in a small team and her colleague was already off that day. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking her to swap.
She then said that generally she doesn’t really find comfort in funerals, they make her anxious and panicky, so that is probably part of the reason as to why she didn’t fight harder for the day off.

Fast forward to Thursday everyone in the office were chatting about Wimbledon and queuing, she mentioned she couldn’t as her colleague was off and she couldn’t get the day off. She said it has sort of slipped her mind that the reason she knew her colleague was off was because of the funeral. The funeral is longer than normal after death so I see how that could happen. Her colleague overheard and offered to swap.
She was very apologetic and said she didn’t meant to cause any hurt or offence. She explained again that at the time of talking to me about it the reason she couldn’t come was work.

I’m not going to let this sour anything between us. It is what is is and we move on .

That makes it worse! Her colleague swapped based on DSD needing to go to a funeral and she decided to go and do what her colleague had planned? She’s despicable.

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 16:20

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 16:12

@Gloriia

well maybe OP needs to start prioritising herself a bit now eh?

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For all you know she already does. We know fuck all about the relationship between them.

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 16:12

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 16:03

Yes that's pretty much how it works with both step and bio parents. We prioritise them but can't always expect it in return.

It'd be nice but the worse thing is to make it such a big issue. I understand that is what happens with grief, we all project a bit.

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@Gloriia

well maybe OP needs to start prioritising herself a bit now eh?

whitewineandsun · 05/07/2025 16:05

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:25

Friendly just means being nice to each other. op was even shocked when DSD phones, because she doesn't usually. There's clearly not much of a relationship so I'm not sure why DSD would be expected to provide support.

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Yeah, that jumped out at me. But they may text? I don't know. The only thing I would have a problem with was DSD lying.

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 16:03

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 15:50

Oh and typical misogynist anti-stepmum stuff on here too - basically op as a step mother is supposed to treat her step child as her own, prioritise her etc etc but she cannot expect even the most basic of things back in return, stepdaughter not obliged to do anything for her. Yeah, nah

Yes that's pretty much how it works with both step and bio parents. We prioritise them but can't always expect it in return.

It'd be nice but the worse thing is to make it such a big issue. I understand that is what happens with grief, we all project a bit.

Poonu · 05/07/2025 15:58

GillieLo · 05/07/2025 11:05

DSD has called me this morning, which isn’t really normal for her in the first place usually she would call her dad.

She was very apologetic and explained that when she asked her manager for the day off originally she was told no as she works in a small team and her colleague was already off that day. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking her to swap.
She then said that generally she doesn’t really find comfort in funerals, they make her anxious and panicky, so that is probably part of the reason as to why she didn’t fight harder for the day off.

Fast forward to Thursday everyone in the office were chatting about Wimbledon and queuing, she mentioned she couldn’t as her colleague was off and she couldn’t get the day off. She said it has sort of slipped her mind that the reason she knew her colleague was off was because of the funeral. The funeral is longer than normal after death so I see how that could happen. Her colleague overheard and offered to swap.
She was very apologetic and said she didn’t meant to cause any hurt or offence. She explained again that at the time of talking to me about it the reason she couldn’t come was work.

I’m not going to let this sour anything between us. It is what is is and we move on .

When someone shows you who they are believe them. Words are cheap.
You will be back on MN sharing something else she has done in the future.

OP sorry for your loss. Your DM sounds like a generous (with love and money) person.

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 15:50

Oh and typical misogynist anti-stepmum stuff on here too - basically op as a step mother is supposed to treat her step child as her own, prioritise her etc etc but she cannot expect even the most basic of things back in return, stepdaughter not obliged to do anything for her. Yeah, nah

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 15:47

Piss poor behaviour from her. End of. But you’ll have loads of people on here tying themselves up in knots trying to justify and excuse her behaviour. Just ignore them, Op.

sorry for your loss 💐

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:43

Superger · 05/07/2025 15:38

OP would have liked her to be there unless there was good reason, so I think your analysis is a bit off. If there was no relationship it’s unlikely OP would feel so hurt now.

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Would she really have liked her to have been there? Or does she just think she ought to have been there? Because there's a big difference.

Superger · 05/07/2025 15:38

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:25

Friendly just means being nice to each other. op was even shocked when DSD phones, because she doesn't usually. There's clearly not much of a relationship so I'm not sure why DSD would be expected to provide support.

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OP would have liked her to be there unless there was good reason, so I think your analysis is a bit off. If there was no relationship it’s unlikely OP would feel so hurt now.

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 15:33

Superger · 05/07/2025 15:31

Then why is OP upset?
Why does she think her selfish?
This was misjudged on the part of DSD. Her step grandmother knew her well enough to include her in her will. And DSD forgot about her funeral? Or so she says.

It wasn’t okay behaviour in the circumstances of this family. It was shockingly poor behaviour.

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I don't know why she is upset but she's posted on aibu for opinions and I'm with the dh, it's fine.

Superger · 05/07/2025 15:31

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 15:23

The bereaved support each other. The op had a dh, dc and I presume other relatives.

Funerals just aren't a big deal to a lot of people. Some find them performative with some people attending who haven't seen the deceased or their family for years.

It's ok not to attend a funeral.

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Then why is OP upset?
Why does she think her selfish?
This was misjudged on the part of DSD. Her step grandmother knew her well enough to include her in her will. And DSD forgot about her funeral? Or so she says.

It wasn’t okay behaviour in the circumstances of this family. It was shockingly poor behaviour.

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:25

Superger · 05/07/2025 15:15

OP says they were friendly and that her mother included DSD in her will. So I don’t think they barely knew one another even if it was extended family. 16 is not normally considered adulthood.
In any case friends are important too.

In addition, people attend funerals to support the bereaved, like OP and her daughter, not just to mourn the dead and celebrate their life.
I’m sure DSD knew her stepmother and stepsister.

Edited
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Friendly just means being nice to each other. op was even shocked when DSD phones, because she doesn't usually. There's clearly not much of a relationship so I'm not sure why DSD would be expected to provide support.

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 15:23

Superger · 05/07/2025 15:15

OP says they were friendly and that her mother included DSD in her will. So I don’t think they barely knew one another even if it was extended family. 16 is not normally considered adulthood.
In any case friends are important too.

In addition, people attend funerals to support the bereaved, like OP and her daughter, not just to mourn the dead and celebrate their life.
I’m sure DSD knew her stepmother and stepsister.

Edited
Show quote history

The bereaved support each other. The op had a dh, dc and I presume other relatives.

Funerals just aren't a big deal to a lot of people. Some find them performative with some people attending who haven't seen the deceased or their family for years.

It's ok not to attend a funeral.

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:23

GloMum · 05/07/2025 15:20

OP has made it very clear DSD had enough time to get to the concert, enjoy it and not lose on any money.

Splashing fun photos across social media means she doesn’t care about the rest of the family being bereaved and all. Total sociopath, and the DH sounds like one too.

It's a family her dad married into when she was an adult. It isn't her family. Totally unrealistic expections of relationships forced upon unrelated adults. It's nice if grown up steps are close, but there's no obligation for them to be.

GloMum · 05/07/2025 15:20

OP has made it very clear DSD had enough time to get to the concert, enjoy it and not lose on any money.

Splashing fun photos across social media means she doesn’t care about the rest of the family being bereaved and all. Total sociopath, and the DH sounds like one too.

Smartiepants79 · 05/07/2025 15:16

Valeriekat · 05/07/2025 15:05

The concert tickets were around 65 quid I believe it was a Hyde Park Concert.

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£65 is a lot of money to a lot of people.

Superger · 05/07/2025 15:15

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:07

It's a step grandmother she only knew as an adult. Barely a family member in my opinion.

Show quote history

OP says they were friendly and that her mother included DSD in her will. So I don’t think they barely knew one another even if it was extended family. 16 is not normally considered adulthood.
In any case friends are important too.

In addition, people attend funerals to support the bereaved, like OP and her daughter, not just to mourn the dead and celebrate their life.
I’m sure DSD knew her stepmother and stepsister.