DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

I dont think its bad she went to Wimbledon if she had tickets already. Tbh if id had tickets when my grandma died shed have been looking down furious with me if I missed Wimbledon for her funeral.

But I think its terrible she lied and then posted it on SM. That was hurtful and not cool.

No doubt written by a happy and well-loved poster

Wow, what a harsh post

Possibly a silly question but did she know this was expected of her? Had it been discussed or was it assumed she would attend. I personally wouldn’t be too hard on someone who didn’t wish to attend a funeral although I also appreciate we’re all different in terms of closeness of family.

Sorry I should also have said sorry for your loss. I was just so angry reading your OP and I can't believe anyone is defending the DSD in this situation. I wouldn't be able to speak to them again after this. It's truly awful behaviour and I can't believe your DH is defending it - shes 24 years old! He should be having a serious conversation with her about her priorities.

Absolutely. To all the posters who have said stuff like this: Please speak to your children/close relatives if you seriously consider doing anything to restrict what they can do when you are gone. You will be gone and won’t know any different, but they will be left to process the loss of you and you should let them do that in whatever way they choose. They may decide to do what you would have wanted (my grandmother’s funeral was definitely tinged with heartfelt sadness but also we were careful to celebrate bringing scattered family together to remember her and treasure our shared connections, as she would have definitely have wanted) but at least they’d have some agency in the decision. As everyone keeps saying, the funeral is for the living not the dead.

Unfortunately, I was in a situation where I was on my own at my husband's funeral. It was lockdown and I was allowed 20 there.

I was told that his son and DIL couldn't come up because the son had been told to shield. His daughter told me that she couldn't come because she had adult onset asthma. She didn't want her daughter to attend because it would be too upsetting. (Travelling wasn't an issue for the daughter - she was 20 and had just come back from a term abroad.) To be fair, the concern about the granddaughter was that her father had died when she was a child and - according to her mother - she had never cried, so she was concerned as to how the funeral would affect her.

I did have some friends there and three of my cousins but they were already in bubbles, so I had to travel in the funeral car on my own. The only people who could have possibly bubbled up with me were DH's daughter and granddaughter.

Instead, I was asked whether my husband's ex could represent them. They all watched online.

A fortnight later, the son actually attended another funeral closer to his home. (A member of his partner's family actually died of Covid.) I totally understand that it was easier to organise that, but it still stings.

I acknowledge that there were very unusual circumstances and I'm only the woman who married their dad, but I don't think I'll ever get over it.

I'm glad that the OP had her family with her on the day.

Lying is also a highly unattractive quality so maybe someone should do something about the step daughter as well.

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

You don't just go to a funeral to pay your respects to the deceased, who she clearly had a relationship with, you go to support the people you love and care about as they grieve someone incredibly close to them.

It is selfish, she should be supporting her sister who has lost her Nan, you who have lost your Mum and her Dad who has lost his MIL.

I haven't forgiven people very close to me who didn't attend my Mum's funeral for flimsy reasons, but I am Irish and funerals are a BIG deal.

wow. I kinda hope this is internet bravado or else it’s a pretty cold relationship. Hopefully he won’t waste 5 minutes being sad if you go first!

That's disgusting of your DSD. I have step children and I'd struggle to get over this one tbh. The money is irrelevant, the lack of respect to you and your mother is unforgivable at that age.

I'm wondering how many posters have lost loved ones, especially parents.

Funerals are strange things, admittedly. Sad occasions, but also a time for extended family and friends to get together.

I can only speak for myself, obviously, but when my dad died I was devastated. The funeral was an important part of the grieving process. It helped me to remember him as he'd been before his illness, remember the full life he had led, all the friends he'd made, the loving family he left behind.

Each time someone acknowledged my loss and said a few kind words was precious to me. I liked hearing stories about him, some of which were new to me.

If I'd been alone at the funeral - if everyone else had decided to go to Wimbledon or wherever instead - it would have hurt me more than words can say. It would have been deeply traumatic at an already very difficult time.

This is below the belt. Her DD is probably feeling just as shocked and upset that her sister has chosen to lie to her as well as not being bothered to turn up to the funeral of a woman who treated her as one of her own (and reduced their inheritance as a result). The way she’s handled things, it’s as if she’s dancing on her grave!

She should have said ‘I have these plans, with these people and for XYZ reason I would rather not cancel. Do you mind if I am not there?’

Nobody needs to go to Wimbledon twice in a week (and she didn’t have tickets since she queued from 4am). I went to BST and bought tickets last year. The big artists don’t start until 5pm, she could have showed her face at the funeral and still made the concert.

Last year, my mother passed. I was quite devastated and almost had a breakdown. My brother suggested I shouldn’t go but stay home and get ready to welcome the people after the funeral (we had a catered lunch for a small circle of family and closest friends). I ended up going but I’m sharing this story as little honesty and openness goes a long way.

It would have been helpful to say - it wrecks me, I can’t get through it, it makes me nervous. Most people would be very understanding.

Lying and posting party pictures on social media on the other hand, simply rude and distasteful.

A funeral is just an hour or two. I think we definitely owe it to our friends and family to show up to support them in their grief and acknowledge their loss. Especially if we're not particularly affected ourselves.

If someone is devastated at losing a loved one and doesn't want to go to the funeral, then I would have sympathy for them. People grieve differently.

But someone like the dsd who is just mildly sad can, quite frankly, suck it up and go to the funeral even if she'd prefer not to. It's called being an adult.

When I die I’d much rather everyone went off to Wimbledon / concerts / whatever they want and use my inheritance to do it. I’ll be dead, go live rather than come to an unnecessarily sad thing. I don’t like big groups of people at the best of times though so would rather not go to my own funeral if there’s going to be loads of people there 😁

It’s pretty shot of her, but at 24 I could see myself doing the same.
sorry for your loss x

Life is too short not to 'forgive'. Funerals should not be something anyone feels they have to attend.

Yes, you’re being unreasonable. She’s not obligated to attend just because she has some inheritance. Some people don’t like funerals. Ok, maybe she should have just said she doesn’t want to go instead of being sneaky but that’s still no reason for you to be sneaking anonymously onto another platform to bitch about her. Draw a line and move on.

Do you can swap to attend a game but not a funeral. Glad the OP is forgiving, I wouldn’t be.

Absolutely. I have told my family to have the kind of funeral they want for me, ranging from no funeral (just a cremation with no one attending) and a get together afterwards, to a traditional funeral. It's for them, not for me and I want them to see me off the way that works best for them. If anyone doesn't want to attend whatever is planned, then that's fine. I haven't left money to people in my will on the assumption they will attend some kind of ceremony at which I won't be present.

I didn’t suggest that she was latching onto mother figures.

I’d be mad at this. What I’ve realised is going to a funeral is as much for other people, the closest relatives as for the person.

But she's also not a little girl who would latch onto another mother figure either is she?

Who treated her the same as her other grandchildren, including the same amount of inheritance. OP's mum sounds like a lovely kind person who welcomed OP's step-daughter into the family and I hope that she had a lot of genuine mourners at her funeral.