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AIBU?

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Original poster

DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

587 replies

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:12

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

OP posts:
Stef3 · 05/07/2025 20:18

So sorry for your loss OP. Your mum sounds a wonderful woman who could have taught DSD a thing or two about doing the right thing.

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 20:11

Makingitupaswegoalong · 05/07/2025 19:54

I didn’t go to my step-grandmother’s funeral and I’d known her my whole life. I don’t know how to explain it except I felt quite neutral towards her. I did send my stepmother a thoughtful card and some flowers and also sent cards to her biological grandchildren to say I was thinking of them.

Edited

@Makingitupaswegoalong

Not your finest hour.

Cherrytree86 · 05/07/2025 20:11

Bullseyeyee · 05/07/2025 19:41

I don’t think it’s bad that she was at Wimbledon and a concert instead of the funeral. It’s not great she lied about it. But was obviously scared you’d shame her for not wanting to go.

@Bullseyeyee

yep, it’s all OP’s fault.

Lostmyway86 · 05/07/2025 20:10

Makingitupaswegoalong · 05/07/2025 19:54

I didn’t go to my step-grandmother’s funeral and I’d known her my whole life. I don’t know how to explain it except I felt quite neutral towards her. I did send my stepmother a thoughtful card and some flowers and also sent cards to her biological grandchildren to say I was thinking of them.

Edited

Awful.

Makingitupaswegoalong · 05/07/2025 19:54

I didn’t go to my step-grandmother’s funeral and I’d known her my whole life. I don’t know how to explain it except I felt quite neutral towards her. I did send my stepmother a thoughtful card and some flowers and also sent cards to her biological grandchildren to say I was thinking of them.

aprilshowers88 · 05/07/2025 19:51

i very nearly didnt go to my dads funeral and even now, six years later i am not over his death and i genuinely thought my heart would give out so wanted to save myself from it.(i did end up going in the end!)

however, maybe its different cultures but i can not imagine going to a concert or any event on the day of funeral? i get it that it means nothing to those who have died, but was she not upset she lost somsone who clearly cared for her as one of her own grandkids? in my opinion, it is disrespectful.

Lostmyway86 · 05/07/2025 19:50

Unrelated38 · 04/07/2025 21:16

I wouldn't go to a funeral instead of a concert I'd bought tickets for. Your mum doesn't care who was there. Funerals are for the living and no one should be obliged to attend.

You wouldn't go to your grandmother's funeral if you had concert tickets?

I think I need to leave this thread now, it's too depressing.

Lostmyway86 · 05/07/2025 19:48

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 05/07/2025 19:34

I can’t quite get my head around people saying it’s okay to miss a funeral. Wonder if most people saying this are English, as I’m British but a different ethnicity/culture and when someone dies, someone as
close as DSD would absolutely be expected to come. The funeral only happens once and is your last chance to say goodbye - I can understand a prebooked event stopping you from going but even then, most family I would cancel the tickets to attend their funeral. If they aren’t that close I’d still make every effort to go to either just the service or the wake, it’s just a respect thing. Finding this blasé attitude towards funerals really strange… of course if it was the deceased who wasn’t bothered about funeral attendance that would be different.

I'm English, and I agree with you. A DSD would be considered a close relative. If my DSD didn't come to my mum's funeral for Wimbledon I genuinely wouldn't be able to forgive them.

Lostmyway86 · 05/07/2025 19:47

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 19:41

It is becoming more common and absolutely acceptable tbh to miss them. I'm a firm believer in pay your respects and make an effort when someone is alive not pitch up to an event for someone you haven't been arsed to speak to for years.

I think rightly the fake ritual of funeral is wearing out.

Show quote history

But this is a close family member. Someone who the OP's mum treated as a grandchild.

Lostmyway86 · 05/07/2025 19:46

Buffs · 05/07/2025 19:08

And how will that improve the OP’s life?

Show quote history

I'm not answering to try to 'improve OP's life'. Her original OP said 'AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn't come to my mum's funeral'. I'm giving my opinion based on that. What a weird question to ask me.

Bullseyeyee · 05/07/2025 19:41

I don’t think it’s bad that she was at Wimbledon and a concert instead of the funeral. It’s not great she lied about it. But was obviously scared you’d shame her for not wanting to go.

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 19:41

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 05/07/2025 19:34

I can’t quite get my head around people saying it’s okay to miss a funeral. Wonder if most people saying this are English, as I’m British but a different ethnicity/culture and when someone dies, someone as
close as DSD would absolutely be expected to come. The funeral only happens once and is your last chance to say goodbye - I can understand a prebooked event stopping you from going but even then, most family I would cancel the tickets to attend their funeral. If they aren’t that close I’d still make every effort to go to either just the service or the wake, it’s just a respect thing. Finding this blasé attitude towards funerals really strange… of course if it was the deceased who wasn’t bothered about funeral attendance that would be different.

It is becoming more common and absolutely acceptable tbh to miss them. I'm a firm believer in pay your respects and make an effort when someone is alive not pitch up to an event for someone you haven't been arsed to speak to for years.

I think rightly the fake ritual of funeral is wearing out.

GiveDogBone · 05/07/2025 19:39

It’s the lying that’s the problem, not the actual decision not to go.

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 05/07/2025 19:34

I can’t quite get my head around people saying it’s okay to miss a funeral. Wonder if most people saying this are English, as I’m British but a different ethnicity/culture and when someone dies, someone as
close as DSD would absolutely be expected to come. The funeral only happens once and is your last chance to say goodbye - I can understand a prebooked event stopping you from going but even then, most family I would cancel the tickets to attend their funeral. If they aren’t that close I’d still make every effort to go to either just the service or the wake, it’s just a respect thing. Finding this blasé attitude towards funerals really strange… of course if it was the deceased who wasn’t bothered about funeral attendance that would be different.

Gloriia · 05/07/2025 19:29

Cynic17 · 05/07/2025 19:23

My partner couldn't give a whatsit whether anyone came to my funeral (which I won't be having, but that's a separate issue). He knows that people's real life is way more important than all the performative "paying respects" stuff. I'll be dead, he'll have to sort out paperwork etc. That's it. No need for anyone else to be involved.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Psychologymam · 05/07/2025 19:25

LividVermiciousKnid · 05/07/2025 19:09

I'm glad she's apologised.

But it doesn't mean she was disrespectful, just that she was (understandably imho) dealing with it differently to you.

Funerals aren't perhaps the thing for younger people that they might be for older people. She probably didn't think it would be a huge deal to you that she wasn't there.

I missed my own grandmother's funeral as I was on a preplanned trip to Italy. I had a moment for her in the Vatican as it happens. Maybe some people raised eyebrows, it never occurred to me to cancel the trip. People do grieve differently.

Don't let this come between you.

I really think the saying people grieve differently is overused - it’s more that some people are not grieving and are prioritising other things, but want a saying that still sounds good. No one thinks going to Wimbledon is a good place to connect with loss and sadness and it’s insulting to OPs intelligence if you think she’ll buy that.

Cynic17 · 05/07/2025 19:23

Shenmen · 04/07/2025 23:20

It's nothing to do with you, it's far more to do with your closest relatives. Surely people understand this.
I don't know if you have parents still, or a partner or kids, but if you do, and you died tomorrow it would be them who would be wondering why no one turned up to pay their respects. They would think no one cared about you or them which would add to their grief.

Show quote history

My partner couldn't give a whatsit whether anyone came to my funeral (which I won't be having, but that's a separate issue). He knows that people's real life is way more important than all the performative "paying respects" stuff. I'll be dead, he'll have to sort out paperwork etc. That's it. No need for anyone else to be involved.

Skybluepinky · 05/07/2025 19:20

its not their relation, and funerals are for the living not the dead, so it’s annoyed you not your mum.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/07/2025 19:11

GillieLo · 05/07/2025 11:05

DSD has called me this morning, which isn’t really normal for her in the first place usually she would call her dad.

She was very apologetic and explained that when she asked her manager for the day off originally she was told no as she works in a small team and her colleague was already off that day. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking her to swap.
She then said that generally she doesn’t really find comfort in funerals, they make her anxious and panicky, so that is probably part of the reason as to why she didn’t fight harder for the day off.

Fast forward to Thursday everyone in the office were chatting about Wimbledon and queuing, she mentioned she couldn’t as her colleague was off and she couldn’t get the day off. She said it has sort of slipped her mind that the reason she knew her colleague was off was because of the funeral. The funeral is longer than normal after death so I see how that could happen. Her colleague overheard and offered to swap.
She was very apologetic and said she didn’t meant to cause any hurt or offence. She explained again that at the time of talking to me about it the reason she couldn’t come was work.

I’m not going to let this sour anything between us. It is what is is and we move on .

You are very gracious and it’s good that your DSD called you in person to apologise. Whether she truly forgot or not is one thing. But she clearly realised that she had hurt you and tried to fix it.

I am very sorry for your loss and hope you find comfort in your family 💐

LividVermiciousKnid · 05/07/2025 19:09

I'm glad she's apologised.

But it doesn't mean she was disrespectful, just that she was (understandably imho) dealing with it differently to you.

Funerals aren't perhaps the thing for younger people that they might be for older people. She probably didn't think it would be a huge deal to you that she wasn't there.

I missed my own grandmother's funeral as I was on a preplanned trip to Italy. I had a moment for her in the Vatican as it happens. Maybe some people raised eyebrows, it never occurred to me to cancel the trip. People do grieve differently.

Don't let this come between you.

Buffs · 05/07/2025 19:08

Lostmyway86 · 05/07/2025 18:37

Sorry I should also have said sorry for your loss. I was just so angry reading your OP and I can't believe anyone is defending the DSD in this situation. I wouldn't be able to speak to them again after this. It's truly awful behaviour and I can't believe your DH is defending it - shes 24 years old! He should be having a serious conversation with her about her priorities.

Show quote history

And how will that improve the OP’s life?

Buffs · 05/07/2025 19:06

Your DH’s response was very sensible, I think he’s right.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/07/2025 19:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

PennyAnnLane · 05/07/2025 18:48

thepariscrimefiles · 05/07/2025 16:45

Who treated her the same as her other grandchildren, including the same amount of inheritance. OP's mum sounds like a lovely kind person who welcomed OP's step-daughter into the family and I hope that she had a lot of genuine mourners at her funeral.

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And that was kind of her but I don’t think the inheritance was payment for affection.

FourLove · 05/07/2025 18:45

Wolmando · 04/07/2025 21:21

I wouldn't go to a funeral if I had booked something else, the person the funeral is for isn't going to know who's there or not

I think OP said that DSD hadn't booked the tickets until this morning.
OP knows that DSD wasn't at the funeral, and it would have been comforting to have her feelings considered. But hey, DSD is young and probably not thinking in that way.