DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

Very disrespectful of her and some of the responses here excusing her behaviour show how selfish and self absorbed a lot of people have become. She absolutely should have apologised. Your mum was not some passing stranger and sounds to have been lovely to treat your SD equally in her bequest.

I hear what you're saying, but the DSD would still have been able to make the concert and she actually queued up for the Wimbledon ticket on the morning of the funeral.

This is the 2nd thread in 2 days where someone has been upset that someone else was going to Wimbledon rather than a funeral.
I'll say the same on here as on the other thread. If people have something on, and are going to that event (be it a concert or Wimbledon, or, as you mentioned earlier holiday or graduation) where it is an event you can't change the date of, and people arrange the funeral on that date, then the funeral arranger can't expect them to be there.
I've had to arrange funerals. I get it is hard to find a slot at the crem, or date the Vicar or celebrant you want can make it, that also suits the immediate family members, but if a person isn't close enough for you to arrange it round what they have on, they they aren't close enough for you to have a 3 line whip on them attending.
YABU. I don't want to be harsh as you've just lost your Mum, but it is your Mum, not your DSD's.

This same DSD did an amazing event to raise funds in honour of your Mum earlier this year.

The need to be at a funeral is different for different people. I appreciate the opportunity to go to a funeral and spend time with other people who knew the deceased - it feels like a rite of passage and gives me some closure, but I am aware other people don't feel the same. Even feeling as I do, if I had tickets for a gig or the chance to go to something like Wimbledon, then I would still go to the gig / Wimbledon.

You can ask, she doesn’t have to answer.

I’m sorry you don’t like my response. But the OPs post is in AIBU so I have the right to ask questions to try to understand. She literally asked - AIBU. So yes I can “put things back on OP” but I’m not twisting anything.

You post said 'are you unhappy she was treated the same as the others' that's you putting it back on OP. No, she's upset that DSD cared so little she chose tennis over a funeral for a lady who clearly cared about her. Respect clearly wasn't paid in any way here. I'd honestly be ashamed if I was DSD, a phone call wouldn't cut it. OP is clearly a very kind and forgiving person if she's willing to move forward.

I don’t think many people enjoy going to funerals. Unless she was a child, had an anxiety disorder, was extremely distressed by the death, or had some other good reason I think she should have been there to pay her respects and support family members.

I also hope they’ll be okay and it sounds like OP is sensible. DSD is still young and the young can be very thoughtless sometimes. She may not have had the experience to realise how important this was. It was really poor form of her though.

I would be upset that she couldn't tell you the truth but it will have been booked for a good while and people do grieve differently and not to a timescale.

Thank you. And to add that it looks like she may not have even known about the money, funerals make her anxious and she called and apologised. Hopefully all will be ok with them.

Not twisting - just asking really as it seems a bit dramatic. But I realise that everyone has different feelings and experiences of funerals. It’s just my own feelings (which are also valid) that not everyone wants to go to a funeral and respects can be paid in different ways.

Except she didn’t buy the tickets for the tennis until the morning of the funeral.

And OP said she could have attended the concert after the funeral.

DSD said she didn’t lie, she told the truth as it was at the time of speaking with OP.
Later she forgot about the funeral, she said.

Yes of course you would.

15k is not a life-changing amount, what matters here is the kindness. I would surely give back to the family, or donate to charity.

Urgh. Don't twist and turn this back on the OP. Her feelings are valid. The DSDs behaviour was terrible. No, she didn't choose to have inheritance but she could have turned it down. How her sisters and step mother can get past this I don't know. I'd never feel the same about DSD again.

Course you would.

I would return the money, if they’re left to me by someone I didn’t feel particularly close to. It would be fair for their children/gc to benefit.

She didn’t choose to get the inheritance and is not the biological GD and probably spent a lot of money on the tennis and concert. She’d ran the marathon which was lovely and her way of paying respects. That’s a massive thing. It’s not compulsory to attend a funeral. You do t have to attend one to get inheritance.

are you unhappy that she was treated the same as the others? Do you think she should have got less/none.

I agree the lie wasn’t great but I imagine she didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

How about respect for her step mother and father then? And if she really cares that little maybe she should refuse the 15k.

Funerals are fine if you genuinely believe the deceased knows you're there or you have some sort of religious ideas regarding them, but for the rest of us, why do we have them? I've told DH he isn't to out the children through it if I go first. I think they're creepy and pointless. I won't be there and as a family we can't afford thousands for a fancy box to be stuck in the ground.

I'd be devastated of my (admittedly imaginary) daughter's step daughter doesn't attend my funeral.

No, wait, I wouldn't, because I'd be dead. I'd probably not actually care if she attended a party while I was alive either as I'd only known her a few years before she was an adult.

And while your mother seems very kind to have left her money that was probably more out of good will than any true feelings. So you just really want your step daughter to come and "show respect" , but why and to whom? You mother doesn't know and maybe, just maybe your mother would prefer be happy than forced to be there pretending to care.

At the very least, she could have spared the jolly social media updates.

Step grandparent who treated her step grandchild like her other grandchildren. Step or not, she clearly cared for OPs DSD and therefore DSD should have enough respect to attend her funeral not go to bloody Wimbledon instead!!!!

Step Grandparent.

Fake ritual?
In what way is a funeral fake?

You may think it’s acceptable to miss a funeral in these circumstances but clearly many disagree. I think you might just be making up your own rules when you say it’s “becoming absolutely acceptable” to miss this sort of occasion. Just because you think it should be that way doesn’t mean it is. OP has clearly been very hurt by DSD’s behaviour. It’s not acceptable behaviour in her family and that matters.

Same. I’d never forget.

We also attend some funerals to show support for our loved ones who have lost someone they loved. She should have been there for OP as her stepmother as well as her SGM who presumably had a close enough relationship with her to give her £15K in her will.

Really shameful behaviour. I would be saddened and wonder where I went wrong if one of my DC ever behaved like this.