DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

Direct cremations are becoming more the thing nowadays with families getting together afterwards to celebrate life and share memories.

I hope one day the sight of a hearse with a coffin and black cars trailing behind at 5mph will be a thing of the past.

@Ownedbykitties

If it was someone close to you though you would surely? no one WANTS to go to funerals, they are inevitably sad and make people feel uncomfortable feelings. But if everyone decided they weren’t going people would have nothing and no one when they died which doesn’t feel right

I agree and this would go against step grandmas wishes.

the money wasn’t gifted as a prize for attending the funeral.

I wonder if she’d already been given or knew about the 15k inheritance at this point. If not, she should not be allowed to have it. It should go into a savings account until she grows up and stops being a selfish little girl.

She can't be "not allowed to have it". You can't use a legally binding document like a will to teach someone a lesson in this way.

It would be completely illegal. It's quite staggering the number of people suggesting the OP do so.

Me? I'd withhold the money and see how she matures. She couldn't be bothered to be at the funeral, to support you and pay her deep respects.....she needs to grow the fuck up

Withholding the money would illegal. That's a frankly stupid suggestion.

You can't pick and choose when to follow the law based on your opinion of someone's choices.

Given the OP's reaction, I'm not surprised she lied. She knew everyone would judge her. Attending a funeral should not be dependent on whether or not you have been left anything in the will. I have attended funerals but not been left anything - does that mean I shouldn't have gone? I would turn in my grave if I thought my daughters gave themselves the pressure of getting together on the date of my death every year, and I don't want a grave they feel obliged to visit. They should be living their own lives, not missing out on things because I died on a certain day. I would prefer they think of me every so often, perhaps when they're in a predicament and ask themselves, "What would Mum do?" (and then do something else...) - and I have made my feelings clear to them. What they decide to do is up to them, and I won't know, thankfully. I have no idea what date my Dad died - not even the year - but he pops into my head most days, making me smile or roll my eyes at his antics. I wasn't at his cremation, because he died in Spain and I couldn't afford to get there with 2 very young children, and he was cremated within 2 days. I have half his ashes (don't ask!) in their original parcel in the shed, and I say hi to him every time I go in the shed. He spent the night in the Co-op when he arrived through the post, because it was outside delivery hours. He would have loved that 😊. One (very windy) day, my daughters and I will go up onto the Downs and scatter them - although he's been in the shed for 9 or 10 years... People have very different approaches to death; that's a personal choice. My friend's family assembles every year on the dates of her parents' deaths, and they all go to the cemetery to pay their respects. That, to me, seems very artificial; today we will pay our respects, (so that we don't have to bother the rest of the year...?). That's their choice - and I get that it's also an excuse for a family get-together - but it's not for me. I also don't care whether others judge me. I adored my dad, and that is not changed by how I remember him, or whether I went to his funeral.

Sorry, OP, I realise you’ve posted several times since. About she could have made the concert, typically goes to Wimbledon anyway.

She called you directly, which is unusual, and like you say, it is possible she forgot about the funeral… Knowing they make her really anxious, would you have heavily expected her to be there if she was initially able to go?

Maybe this will be a life learning lesson for her. You had lots of other support by the sounds of it?

I am sorry for your loss, and glad you’re going to try to move past this. Only you’ll know if she’s got form, or if this was a genuine oversight.

I don't go to funerals. They trigger me and make me ill. If that's selfish then so be it. I wouldn't judge anybody who doesn't go to a funeral.

I agree! Not many people could say that 15k isn't worth having.

Not very nice of her especially as she could have gone to the concert after the service. She sounds immature and selfish and I am sorry for your loss.

Personally I think this. Also tickets may have been bought for a while, expensive etc.. She can pay her respects another way, another time.

Money being left is kind on the grandmothers part, but wasn’t her decision. I’d hope she is grateful, time will tell. I don’t think attending, or not attending, a funeral is necessarily indicative of gratitude.

Again, shame she felt she couldn’t be honest. She must have known she’d get caught out. Did the know you wouldn’t respond well?

How was your DSD’s relationship with your mum when she was alive, that’s probably more important.

She was very apologetic and said she didn’t meant to cause any hurt or offence. She explained again that at the time of talking to me about it the reason she couldn’t come was work. I'm not going to let this sour anything between us. It is what is is and we move on

And when she didn't have to work, she should have attended the funeral out of love and respect.

Shes sorry now, because its easy to SAY sorry

Actions are the important element

Me? I'd withhold the money and see how she matures. She couldn't be bothered to be at the funeral, to support you and pay her deep respects.....she needs to grow the fuck up

I'm afraid my feelings for her would be changed now "when someone shows you who they are....."

Actions, not words.

So sorry for the loss of your mum.
I've read all your updates and I think her story seems believable, and she did the right thing in apologising.
She also sounds like a great person in that she ran the marathon in honour of your mum. That's a lovely thing to do

I think you're absolutely fine to have been honest and say you were hurt, but I'm things are good and relations haven't soured. Sounds like your mum raised a lovely caring daughter and your family are lucky to have you.

Agree. Confront her.

@ARichtGoodDram Ahh ok, I misread that bit. Still despicable of her to choose Wimbledon over supporting her stepmother and step-siblings though. I wonder if she’d already been given or knew about the 15k inheritance at this point. If not, she should not be allowed to have it. It should go into a savings account until she grows up and stops being a selfish little girl.

If youre being honest...I think youre in a very privileged position to say £15k isnt a life changing amount of money, and privileged to be able to afford to return it or give it to charity.

That's a deposit on a house, or an upgrade to your living situation, a car. If you dont have a lot £15k is the difference between security and not, comfort and not.

Youre lucky to be able to afford that moral perspective

I defo think its uncool to miss a funeral to queue for tickets

@PeapodMcgee
If she was dodging because of her “intelligence and independence” she should at least have had the courtesy to acknowledge that.

I don’t know that she did dodge.

She said she forgot.

That seems likely because of the social media posts. Unless of course she’s completely insensitive or socially unaware, but in that case she probably wouldn’t have bothered apologising.

Agreed.

You don’t queue from 4am if you already have tickets. She didn’t have any. She didn’t even have a guarantee to get in.

Thank you for a sensible response

Spot on

Ha ha ha. Who said she did?

Funerals are attended out of respect, clearly she has none.

She was wrong. How inconsiderate and rude.