DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

This. She should have been there out of respect for you and her step siblings. I wouldn’t mention the inheritance, but I’d make it very clear that I was disappointed that she lied and chose to attend Wimbledon instead.

My thoughts exactly! Though the lying was unnecessary / stupid. However given the evident stirring by the daughter perhaps she felt somewhat on the periphery anyway

I'm really not understanding this.

The decision to leave her some money was made by OP's mother on the basis of their relationship. She has no idea who attended her funeral, so the idea that going shows thanks/respect to her is absurd.

You're talking about showing thanks & respect to the other attendees. Fair enough if you want to take issue with that, but it's got fuck all to do with the bequest. It isn't a gift from the other family members.

I imagine she lied to save your feelings on the day. If she was going to catch a load of snide for her inheritance, I wouldn't blame her for giving it a miss.

Plus - you know there are a lot of people who never attend funerals? They're pretty awkward events, especially the first few times.

Ops mum might not care, but op does, and maybe her step sibling do.

She not child, it’s a poor show on her behalf. Family should support each other, you dsd hasn’t done this.

She shouldn’t have lied, and as she did lie, she shouldn’t have been daft enough to post about it. Why did she lie? Was it to stop a reaction she didn’t want to deal with.
Tbh I would rather miss a graduation than a fun thing, If you weren’t going to move it because of her previous commitments (with “closer relatives”getting priority) then I don’t know why she felt she needed to lie. Perhaps she just thought it sounded better, especially as you are grieving and had to organise a funeral in July when everyone is saying “but..my holiday” and “but…my graduation”. Nobody gaf when she was “working”.
With a big family there is always going to be somebody missing out - as has been the case with many people at this funeral. Dsd is only one of several who didn’t go.
She goes to Wimbledon every year - why didn’t you check.
The real villain is the shit stirring dd winding her mum up and watching her go at a funeral and then making digs at the dsd. Perhaps she’s more bothered about splitting the inheritance than she’s letting on.

She's been dishonest, disrespectful, thoughtless and unkind.
I'd be pissed off with her too.

You go to a funeral for the living, and I'd have thought that she if she has a good relationship with you and your DDs, she would have prioritised supporting you all over watching tennis.

I'd be very fed up, were I in your shoes.

You agree with the lies? Would you like someone who lies?

Lesst she said sorry

and she ran a marathon raising money which means she isnt selfish

It really would be better to gloss over this, at least for now and choose to not think about it today.

You've had a very difficult day with lots going on and need to process some of that, not use this as a focus for your emotional energy right now.

I think you're viewing your dd through the best possible lens, and your dsd through the worst possible lens.

Your dd was very ill advised to both show you the social media posts, and to send an immature message.

It all adds up to suggest there are some difficult relationships between all of you.

I have sympathy for your dsd tbh. Funerals are intense emotional experiences, often uncomfortable or unpleasant. It's understandable to not want to go.

You didn't canvas her opinion or availability on setting the date, other people's holidays and graduations were considered more relevant.

If you managed to get through the day without her absence being a problem, then the reason for her not being there is not worth dwelling in

I really, really don't think inheritance or gratitude for money comes into this at all and find it crass to make those connections.

I have gone to the funerals of many people who left me not a bean. It's weird to think being left money somehow influences your participation.

Rather than labelling your post /sarcasm maybe use your words to put across what you want to convey?

You probably should have tagged it "How to completely miss the point" instead given my whole point was that the AMOUNT of the inheritance (and indeed the money she didn't actually give herself for the marathon) was irrelevant, it's what it represented...

She prob didn’t want to hurt your feelings so said Work rather then a concert /tennis which she spent money on

Agree.

OP, I'd give it a little while (enough time for you to start to feel better) and address the shit stirring as well as the hurt you felt.

I don't mean to be patronising, but bereavement can heighten emotions.

Sorry for your loss.

Interested in your use of ‘performative’ ….running the marathon is brilliant as is the money it raises…. But I’ve yet to meet anyone who didn’t actually really enjoy the experience and love the attention by product. That’s as it should be, but let’s not pretend that the marathon is some altruistic Everest. Sorry.

perhaps she would have run the marathon anyway, or if the mother wasn't ill, have run it for a different charity? It's incomprehensible to me, but millions of people run them for fun. It's not as if she donated money herself, when you say she ran it "for" OP's mum all you're saying is that other people gave her money.
It's not as if she was forced to run for 26 miles, the LM is hugely oversubscribed because so many people want to do it.

And along come the mothers whose relationships went down the plug hole and who can’t find any sympathy or consideration for a stepmum…

And you are a misogynist. Imagine calling a young woman who didn’t ask for an inheritance from someone they weren’t related to such nasty words, I would suggest looking at your own principles before making judgement on others. As for ‘so many leaving the elderly to the care of low paid workers’, again you mean women, don’t you. Because it’s always a woman’s place to be kind, caring and compliant at whatever cost to herself. Your issue with the care system should be with a government and social care system that will categorically deny any help to those who need it because we still live in a society that still expects women will be emotionally bullied and guilted into caregiving as if it’s our birth given duty.

I don’t believe it was right to lie to you op, but I’m sure your stepdaughter didn’t want to cause ill feelings by simply saying outright that she didn’t want to go to the funeral. Leaving an inheritance was a great kindness, but the familial relationship is evidently not one your step daughter feels was the same as what you may view it as. She’s not a monster, it’s just hurtful on top of the awful grief you are experiencing that your step daughter may not have seen her new extended family as much as actual family. It doesn’t mean she’s in the wrong herself and money shouldn’t be used as the key factor here.

It slipped her mind the funeral was today?
Shes lying again, through her teeth.
I think her explanation makes it worse.

I think the run for your mum when she was still alive , for a linked charity is a much better way to honour someone. Your mum also saw that. She doesn't know who attended her funeral.

She shouldn't have lied but if she'd said I don't like funerals I've got concert tickets in the evening and I'd planned to go to Wimbledon during the day, I don't think you would've reacted any more positively.

I also don't think any level of inheritance buys funeral attendance.

Maybe the OP should tell us how much her stepdaughter raised for charity? Maybe it could offset the inheritance in some way.

/sarcasm.

and there was a strong, loving relationship (well, at least on one side).

So the stepdaughter ran the London Marathon because she was indifferent?

By the way, your mum must have been extraordinarily kind💐💐💐💐

At least she has expressed some regret. Probably best to believe her or at least act as if you do. Take care x

Literally the point. Her step mum lost her mum. People go to funerals to support other living people.
Although, I think I would want to go to a concert too, especially one which is as expensive and waited so long to attend. I would have felt torn, and not sure what I would have done at 24.

OP, put your anger aside, focus on grieving your mum. Give it time and see if she apologises/ explains. There's nothing to be gained from holding on to this.

Yeah, she’s apologised via group chat - that’s heartfelt (sarcasm)….better than nothing though… at least you know where you all stand in the priority list. So sorry, for your dd in particular.

@GillieLo I think all of this is a big deflection so that you don’t have to dwell on your actual loss. You loved your Mum and she loved all your DC. Think of her, not this drama.

No, I'd stick to calling out the lie.

Otherwise the OP runs the risk of making this about resentment over money being equally divided among the grandchildren - and I hope it isn't about the money.

The lie is surely the only thing that matters here. To a certain extent the H is correct (albeit glib) that everyone grieves in their own way.