DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

It does seem a shame but if it was sudden and she had tickets booked, I guess she felt to prioritise that. I wouldn't do that personally.

Some people do find funerals quite distressing. Does she know she's been left £15k? Not that someone should attend funerals purely because they think there's a paycheck in it for them.

Yes this too. She may have incorrectly have been trying to save your feelings .

Presumably the lying was to save your feelings. Not right but the right thought. If she’s said “I’ve got concert tickets” would you have preferred to hear that?

I am sorry for your loss. She definitely should not have lied to you and at her age I would have gone out of gratitude for your mother's very generous gift if nothing else (hope I would have gone to say goodbye and support you too of course). However, she was not her grandmother, so it is a bit different than your children.

I did have a few thoughts. Might she feel awkward there as a step child? Is there anything in her past that a funeral might bring back bad memories of (so she would try to avoid them)?

24 is still very young for some people though in terms of always being completely empathetic about these things and prioritising correctly. Although it is insensitive of her and worse she lied, I would try to let it go. It is more important how she treated your mother when she was alive. I also think that many grandmothers would prefer to think of their grandchildren having a good time at a concert than at a funeral anyway.

It's a bit hurtful she felt she had to lie to you.

But to be honest, if it was my funeral, I would rather nobody came! I would rather they ALL spent the day doing something happy, that they loved, and really wanted to do. Nobody has a good time at a funeral. It's literally just a ritualistic event that's somehow survived from centuries ago, where people gather round a body. Why? You can remember the person you've lost, and celebrate their lives, in so many ways.

If your DSD had such a big day planned, and was going to have a wonderful time, why would you want her to go and sit in a stuffy church and cry?

Your mum left her £15k because she wanted her to have £15k. It wasn't payment for funeral attendance.

This.

I'm usually on the side of the stepchildren in such matters but I think her behaviour is appalling. So disrespectful.

I'm sorry for your loss.

She was a step granddaughter who has only known her 8 years. She’s 24, too much pressure is on her to support the family

People are quick to point out that grandparents have no obligation to view step children as family, but apparently that only works one way?

and saying she’s not sad or doesn’t deserve an inheritance is ridiculous.

funerals are bloody awful things, and let’s be honest here. Most people only go to funerals because they feel they should.

on the face of it no it’s not great that she lied, but she would have been in the wrong whatever she did.

personally I won’t be having a funeral. Will save on the expectation, and also the fake mourners who will come crawling out of the woodwork.

direct cremation all the way.

Exactly.

Yeah forget those who care for you, just go go go, WTAF!

What about supporting those who were left behind?

My view. Your DH probably knew - he is the big issue on the lie. Your DD is stirring - i would be looking hard at HOW THEY (dd and dsd) BOTH interact. Your DD is sounding like a bitch to me. Your Mum sounds amazing - her care for your WHOLE family. I would try to copy her approach. She loved you so much to ensure your whole family mattered. Incredible woman. ❤️

I think she was wrong to lie but I see now that she’s passing it of as a change of circumstance and she’d forgotten the funeral date - something a 24 yr old who doesn’t live with you might well do.

did she know she had an inheritance coming? Just curious as I actually don’t think it affects anything other than how lovely that your mum thought well of her and wanted to treat her the same as her other grandchildren. I’m glad she did the charity fundraiser whilst your mum could appreciate her obvious support

Nonsense. You don’t shun a funeral and tell lies to people who you know want and expect your presence and your respect for dead loved ones.

I do wonder sometimes about the attitudes and motives of MN posters.

I think she was being selfish and immature. So many people on here expect stepmums to treat kids equally but evidently don't expect it to work both ways. You sound lovely. Sorry for your loss xx

Im sorry what? Not everyone likes to attend funerals?
I dont think many people LIKE attending funerals, ffs!
I'm sure OP would probably have rather been at Wimbledon than her mother's funeral too, actually!

And another poster who bleats "they are for the living without apparently realising the irony. Yes, the living, i.e. her stepmother and stepsister whom she has hurt even more on one of the worst days of their lives by her actions.

Possibly the most ignorant comment on a thread with a lot of competition

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Funerals are a way of processing a loss, and a way for families and the community of loved ones who knew the person to come together, connect and provide support to one another. I understand that people grieve differently. Some people cannot cope with attending funerals and can't fill the 'supporter' role as they process their own loss but this is very individualistic behaviour, and individualistic behaviour often has the consequence of others thinking you are acting selfishly.

What I think is completely unthinking of her and shows a lack of empathy and awareness of others is posting it on social media. I think this added information really shows it in another light. Whatever her reasoning, I don't think this behaviour was acceptable.
To me, the saddest thing that happens when we lose a loved one is that we often lose others too. If you can access some bereavement counselling or resources, please do, as I this really will add another layer to how you process your loss.

Go to Wimbledon, enjoy the concert, live life. I wouldn’t want any 24 year old to miss out on fun to sit at a morbid funeral. I don’t particularly want my kids going to my parents funerals. It’s morbid, if you have a better offer, go, go, go.

Jinx @latetothefisting

Well yes, so she should have been there to support the living siblings, step mum and dad who are all grieving.

True. My late husband got his entry to the marathon first and then looked for a charity to support.

"She had plans she paid for"
No she didn't.
She'd paid for the concert but OP has explained she still would have had time to go to this after the funeral
She didn't have tickets for wimbledon, thus the queueing to try and get them at 4am of the morning of said funeral

"They are for the living"

EXACTLY
the living, i.e. her stepmother and stepsister who clearly wanted her there and would have appreciated her support!

It isn’t though, you can’t tell someone how to greave. Funerals are for the living. She doesn’t have to go and is entitled to act as she wishes

Sorry but I think it is absolutely awful. I would say little about it, let it rest on her head because in time to come she just might regret this.

This. Not every one likes to attend funerals anyway. As someone said above they are for the living. What actually matters is the relationship she had with your mum when she was alive. When it mattered.

sorry for your loss op. I can’t imagine the pain but don’t take it out on dsd