DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

Going to the concert - not an issue. Going to Wimbledon and lying about it - not acceptable and "D"h should be telling her that. I'm not sure I'd believe the job swap bit either.

You mother was obviously good to her and if your step daughter is really sorry she'd be donating part of that inheritance to do something to respect her step grandmother. That could be something like a donation to a charity she valued or taking you all out to lunch to share memories.

Posting on Instagram - really shitty and she should remove the posts.

I suspect what’s happened is your DSD didn’t want to take the day off to travel to Brighton to go to a funeral. From your posts she doesn’t sound like she is local? She knows you would have been upset if she said she’s probably going to go to Wimbledon that day, so it was easier to say she couldn’t get time off work. It’s not right that she lied, but you’ve just lost your mum and she probably didn’t want it to look like she didn’t care enough or upset you further.
Her mistake was then posting about it on SM.
In total honesty, I wouldn’t want to take a days annual leave to attend the funeral of a someone who is not a direct relative and I’ve only known for 8 years. Especially if I had to travel to attend as well. But I would take a days annual leave to attend a big annual event with my friends if it was something I enjoyed / was of interest to me.
When your parents get remarried it’s not your choice that you get all this extra family. (I say this as I’m both a SD and a step mum). It’s lovely that she has been included and seems to have had a nice relationship with your family, but sounds like she’s only been part of this family from the age of 16 ? And presumably lived away from home for some of that time too? I think it would be different if she’s known your mum since being a small child and spent a lot of time with her (e.g staying at grandmas and so on).

The inheritance is a tricky one. It’s not clear whether your DSD knew about this at the time ? Even if she did, it’s not something she has asked
for. You can’t really put requirements/ terms and conditions on someone when giving them a gift.

It’s really lovely that your mum has treated her equally to the grandchildren though, and that should be the take away from this as it sounds like she was a very thoughtful person. Today (and the last few weeks) must have been incredibly hard for you. Don’t let this thing with your DSD take over. I’m sorry for your loss.

Aren't funerals overrated? Who really wants to go to one?

Sometimes they're all about who suffers the loss the most.

Being given inheritance doesn't mean you have to attend either.

It’s rude, hurtful, childish and incredibly thoughtless of her. This is your mum and that she and her father seem to expect it won’t affect how you view her is mind boggling.

You're not allowed to withhold inheritance, so you were never able to do that one.

It’s a shame she felt like she had to lie however, I would not want people missing out on fun to come my funeral.

I hate funerals. I’m in my 70s, with hopefully a good few years left yet, but I don’t intend to have a funeral. I know some people feel they help with whole grieving process but nobody should be expected to attend. It’s a shame your DSD felt she needed to lie, but your DM won’t know anything about it, and if it was me I’d be glad she had something more enjoyable to do.

I"m sorry for your loss.
It's probably best to separate the anger over DSD lying from the fact that she's been left money. As a general rule, one shouldn't be a nicer person just because you're getting something out of it, as then it just becomes transactional.
You said yourself that they were "friendly ", but you can't expect a young adult to love someone who they met when they were 16, in the same way as children who'd known her from birth would have, even though it is the same amount of time.
It was incredibly generous of your mother to say she'd leave DSD some money, and yes, I would probably have asked (not expected) DSD to come, because they were on good terms with each other and it's respectful, but those two things are separate.

Yeah, it’s odd isn’t it?

I get that funeral services could be less expensive. But the opportunity to gather, pay respects and mark the end of a life is important. All cultures do this, everywhere. It’s the most human thing we can do.

Funerals I’ve attended have often brought together family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and others from different parts and times of a life. They matter.

Are funerals becoming the new weddings here on MN now? Much hated under any circumstances.....

When my DDad died I was so very grateful to everyone sitting in that church, it showed how loved and respected he was and meant the world to us as a grieving family. If you were to listen to some of the folk here he should have just been chucked in his grave and us all gone off to a concert. No thanks, luckily my family and friends are kind and considerate.

YANBU OP, disgraceful behaviour on her part. Attending a funeral is a show of respect for that person and clearly your SD had none, not only that she lied. I would find it very difficult to speak to her again tbh.

Piss poor behaviour from an adult. I bet her grubby fingers won't reject the inheritance.
And your husband is a sorry excuse if he doesn't support you in this.

Thank goodness funerals seem to be getting less popular and people are having direct cremations more now. They are mainly for lining the funeral directors pocket.

No, but relationships do.

Can you block the inheritance? Deed of variation or similar, speak to a solicitor as I wouldn't be happy with £15k going to a spoilt brat.

It's also pretty stupid to do Instagram posts, outing yourself in a lie 🙄 She obviously didn't even feel bad enough about being there AND lying about it, to even remember that she was supposed to be working. That would piss me off too.

Imo she is rude, ungrateful and disrespectful.

Sorry for your loss OP x

YANBU. That’s pretty shit behaviour when your mother has treated her the same as the other grandchildren.

it’s her choice not to go

She’s a 24 year old adult

I doubt I’d have gone to the funeral at that age especially before a concert I’d already paid for.

I don’t think it shows any disrespect at all

You have just chosen it to be disrespectful that’s all

it’s just a choice

not everyone want to go to funerals

I’ve got a big family, so i go to my fair share of funerals.
You go to support the immediate family members of the person who has died.
They want you to be there. They like knowing how many people have turned out for their sister’s/uncle’s, etc, funeral.

No one relishes them, and the OP’s daughter shouldn’t have lied. Her stepmum wouldn’t feel as hurt.
Sometimes you have to suck it up and go.

If she has tickets for a gig she’s probably arranged her timings already. She’s not going to go to a funeral have a quick shower and dash to a concert.

I wouldn’t change pre arranged plans for anything other than an absolute emergency. People have prior plans and that’s to expected

She shouldn’t have lied, but I can’t cope with funerals and I don’t go to them as a rule. Funerals are to say goodbye to a loved one and there are plenty of ways to do it.

The comments about the inheritance have struck a chord with me.

When my husband's ex lost her partner [the Other Man], her children did support her by attending the funeral.

A short while later, her daughter, SIL and granddaughter were round at ours following a meal. The SIL had had a fair bit to drink and started to complain that it wasn't right that the ex's partner had left all his money to her. According to him, the partner had been obligated to leave something to the granddaughter, "since she called him 'Grandad'."

I was rather taken aback for several reasons. What struck me at the time was that I'd previously been told that I was "too young" to be a grandmother. I recall thinking "Oh. You'll not be expecting me to leave anything to DGD, in that case?"

Some people do think about these things in a transactional manner. I'd be interested to know whether the OP's SD knew that there was an inheritance for her.

It's great that she ran the London Marathon, but entrants do have to enter a ballot for places. In my experience, those who run it largely do it as a personal challenge but will happily add a charity sponsorship to the endeavour; the sponsorship doesn't come first for the majority.

Sending solidarity and condolences OP, as a veteran of several too many funerals across my 56 year lifespan x

One thing I have learned is that people can be extremely thoughtless and insensitive (self-centred), whether attending or not, and while one may forgive, completely forgetting is a whole other ball of wax, because grief is complex, eternal and unpredictable, and whether we like it or not, the devil is in the detail and can severely hamper the "grieving process".

Of note is the Mumsnet paradox, by which nobody has to do anything if it makes them uncomfortable / they have a better offer / it crosses their "boundaries" or they just don't feel like it, (obvious exceptions apply of course) versus lack of resilience / certain things are non-negotiable / puling oneself up by one's bootstraps and other clichés ad nauseam.

We are apparently going through a societal phase where virtually every previously universal and agreed upon custom or ritual is being dismantled, and expectations are nebulous, and fraught with conflict .

I live on hope that at some point the examination of such petulant questions such as "why should I?" and "why shouldn't I?" elicit some nuanced answers that include but don't pander to in ridiculous proportions, other people's feelings.

We have list the middle ground it seems in so many areas, and the need to be a maverick, announcing one's rebellion via social media etc is erroneously rewarded, regardless of impact.

Judging by some comments here, we may as well do away with the last vestiges of collective mourning altogether.

Not sure if this is peculiar to the UK, but looking at every other culture, current and historical, rituals around death persist and provide an important function for the bereaved. This attitude of being "over that" may well backfire. Nobody enjoys a funeral, because some poor sod has shuffled off, and the people that love them are very, very sad (yes, generalising because I know some people are arseholes etc etc). But it gives a sense of solidarity and the chance to process emotions - which may include over indulgence at the wake and making a tit of oneself. Because we're not robots.

As to the OPs SD - distasteful and poor form given the circumstances described, particularly the lying and social media aspects Sounds as if the rather lovely OP is going to handle it appropriately once the dust has settled.

Death sucks for the living. In so many ways.

Solidarity to all in the shitty club ❤️‍🔥

Yet again, nobody had any expectation of her cancelling anything

Op has confirmed she would have been able to still go to the concert after the funeral, and she didn't have Wimbledon tickets in the first place, that's the whole reason she was queuing at 4am.

I think I feel quite uncomfortable with the idea that getting inheritance should affect whether or not you attend a funeral or how you demonstrate grief. It somehow implies that money should influence love? It also wouldn't have occurred to me to link gratitude to a public display/funeral attendance (in the past, my gratitude for inheritance has always been a private and internal thoughtful acknowledgement, seeing as the person who left the inheritance couldn't ever be aware of my gratitude).

My cousin didn't attend my grandfathers funeral (the reason given was odd and one I didn't and still don't understand), but it never crossed my mind that she was ungrateful for her inheritance/that she didn't love my grandfather/that she wasn't grieving.

I think I'd be inclined to believe your step daughters explanation, especially given that she posted so publicly on social media (I think she wouldn't have done that if she'd remembered the date/was lying to you).

But, either way... I do wonder how it would have been received if she had remembered the date and been honest with you. From the way that you (and your DD) are reacting, I'm wondering whether honesty would have been appreciated as much as you're saying, or whether it would have created some fall out... (I know you say she could've gone, but in her shoes I'd probably not expect that answer/and or expect a disapproving tone). At age 24, she is an adult, but still young and learning. I expect she probably hasn't quite grasped that attending a funeral is often really more about supporting the living than the dead. I'd hold onto the fact that she ran the marathon and had demonstrated that she cares in that way.