DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

That's seriously your take on this?

GillieLo

I am very sorry for your loss.

I am a bit concerned that this funeral situation has become a focus for your grief. Sometimes when we are in the midst of a swirling tangle of painful emotions it’s somehow easier if we can find something tangible to latch on to - a focus for the pain.

I don’t think some of the more heated responses on this thread are necessarily what you need right now. You don’t need more emotional noise in your family now. It is clear your DSD did care about your DM running a marathon is a huge thing but she may not have appreciated how important the funeral was to you - she may have no frame of reference. Don’t risk losing a longer term relationship because of a single misstep.

To put my comments in context one of my siblings decided on the morning of the funeral of our last parent to die that she couldn’t face being there. I found out in the church from another sibling. We were all over 40 so age wasn’t a factor. We just shrugged and got on with it because funerals are just a small part of dealing with the death of a loved one. You will face further challenges as you grieve and your DSD’s support may help then when many of the people who attended the funeral have moved on with their lives.

Look after yourself and ask yourself if some of the responses on the thread are really going to help you and your family in the longer term.

It's not just about the respect to the deceased it's also the disrespect to the OP. Surely she could have done the funeral in the day time and still made the gig at night? Going to Wimbledon is terrible.

She's an adult stepchild, you didn't raise her, she didn't grow up in the family. I think it's fine she didn't go. You're just not as close as you thought, which is fine because grown up children aren't obliged to blend at will. She shouldn't have lied, but I imagine she would have been hounded into attending had she been honest. Focus on everyone who was there.

Absolute rubbish! Her dd is 17 and upset that her dsis has lied to miss her dgm funeral! My dd would be exactly the same, your dsd is a selfish l, thoughtless liar!

With the current funeral backlog in England not looking like it'll improve any time soon, I think we'll see more instances where some people have their booked activities prioritised over others, and it becomes a whole new social area to manage.

If she was queuing at 4am presumably that means she didn’t have prebooked/ballot tickets to Wimbledon?

if she had pre booked concert tickets and could have gone there after the funeral I wouldn’t have had a problem with that.

its the Wimbledon and the lying I would struggle to deal with.

It's the lies I would most hurt about. A simple "I have a concert booked. I hate funerals so could we do someone just us to remember her on x date like put flowers at the crem then go to her favourite restaurant" but she is very young for that. She could queue for Wimbledon any day in this fortnight

Interesting that many people think it doesn't matter about attending funerals generally. I'd rather not go to my fil when he pops off as not seen him in 8 years. But I need to support my dh. I rather be at home with noro virus on the loo tbh. However I was thinking of not taking the kids and I can't belive socaily our family would think that's OK? ( they won't be going if can think of a way to avoid it. He saw them once 8 years ago when toddlers so why put them through that for a total stranger).

She sounds awful and not very bright.

She's also 24, not 14.

It’s the lying that is the huge problem. What a selfish bitch!

Even surgeon/pilot genre roles allow the incumbent compassionate leave for family funerals.

I've never worked anywhere where compassionate leave would extend to the parent of your step mother. It didn't even include grandparents at the place I worked when my grandad died.

This. The lying would piss me off.

I am sorry that you are going through this right now, it’s a very difficult time, and feelings will be raw for a while to come. Your mum was a good woman by the sounds of things.

Total dick move by the DSD.

The inheritance is irrelevant in the circumstances. Your DM was incredibly generous and decent in showing love to your DSD and treating her on an equal basis as your other two children.
The lies, the lack of decent human respect to another is something I would find very difficult to get past.
i understand your DD response, she loved her grandmother, and her feelings are also valid here.
I was utterly devastated to lose my grandmother at 16.
There is a time for fun. The dick move by your DSD to lie, and not even show basic human decency to another and be supportive to other family members is highly insensitive and selfish.
When able, your DH should speak with his idiot daughter in the near future.

@Roosch my father's third wife, technically my step mother, but they got married in 1995 when I was 35, died a couple of years ago in her 90s and more significantly 21 years after father died in 2002. They had a brief window of happiness together.

As the daughter of her 2nd husband, of course I went to the funeral. It was necessary to pay my respects to her, to my father and to her children. She was buried with her first husband and father of her daughters as was right and proper and pre-arranged.

I think this is a generational issue.

My DM is due to be on holiday and birthday celebration with us at the moment (paid for by me), but last minute declined to go to a funeral of someone she hasn’t seen for 50 years.

I don’t think the lie is good, but also believe funerals can be difficult/ are not the only way to respect and remember loved ones.

I think every funeral I’ve been to, there’s been relatives who can’t attend because either the distance, already got other plans or work commitments.

Ive never judged any of them for not physically being there.

Your post implied that step-grandchildren have no obligation to view step-grandparents as family and yet the idea of the DSD not getting an inheritance is ridiculous to you. You apply the tired old double standard that step-kids can do what they want and the step-mum and her family just have to accept it.

Just because her step-grandmother was kind enough to leave her money doesn’t mean DSD actually deserves it, she’s behaved selfishly and thoughtlessly.

And how could OP work around DSD’s availability, DSD didn’t tell her she’d be queuing from 4am for Wimbledon tickets or attending a concert.

Your husband is right. She is only young once. I would look at the other surrounding behaviour. Was she nice to your mum? How is she towards you? Does she come to other family events? How does she treat her dad and her own mum? These are true reflections of what she is really like. At twenty four in the summer you want to be everywhere. Otherwise, the behaviour you expect from her is your expectation and your standard not hers. See how she spends the money from your mum. Does she waste it or use it wisely? Sometimes, in life, there are situations over which we have no control. Also, your bereavement may be colouring your opinions. Just let it all rest till down the line and time will give you your answer. If she is flaky over time, then don't put as much into the future as you may have done had she been more to your way of thinking.

As a step child raised by my step father and had no contact with biological dad, you should feel really ashamed of this comment.

Last funeral I went to was the father of a close friend. I had never met him, but I care for my friend so was there to show support to her. The inheritance is irrelevant. The lack of care, support, empathy shown by SD to OP is hurtful. Particularly as she lied. I can't see how their relationship could not be damaged.

So you tried to arrange a date that worked with CLOSER relatives - your words. You don’t consider this woman a close relative?

She ran a physically & mentally challenging event to honour your mum.

Inheritance has absolutely nothing to do with it. You aren’t even sure she knows about it, not that it makes any difference.

She shouldn’t have lied, it’s odd that she did seeing as she was the one to message in a group chat first to apologise for not being there rather than taking to the internet to ask about it or posting snide comments on social media. Maybe she felt she couldn’t tell you the truth? Does she often lie or is it out of character? I’d feel awkward being asked to go to the funeral of a step parent who doesn’t consider me a close relative.

Your daughter is 100% stirring it. Firstly showing you her posts & then commenting on them with ‘how was work’. If they are generally usually close she would have messaged her with ‘I thought you were working’. Not tried to publicly cause drama.

If they are usually close wouldn’t there have been messages in the group chat leading up to the funeral about arrangements etc? That way it couldn’t have slipped her mind.

The only thing I see wrong here is the working lie.

Im sorry for your loss though 😞

I have personal experience of trains between Brighton and London and I have to say that they are not reliable. It was very hot on Tuesday which means that the train services are very likely to be affected.

Awful behaviour. I’d be really upset. Sorry for your loss xx

I don't think you do that. Close relatives attend, regardless of their plans and commitments. Had the DSD been abroad, it might have been understandable. The fact she lied that she was at work is disgraceful.

Even surgeon/pilot genre roles allow the incumbent compassionate leave for family funerals.

Money has nothing to do with it.

A funeral isn't obligatory. It is an opportunity to express grief and to support each other.

She clearly doesn't feel the need to share her sadness, and at a large family gathering, OP didn't need her support. I'm with OP's dh. She didn't feel that way and shouldn't be expected to pretend. That would be even worse.