DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

I think her comments suggest though that she didn’t make a lot of effort to ask work re permission to attend the funeral. If her colleague was willing to swap at the spur of the moment for Wimbledon, someone would have most likely swapped to allow her to attend the funeral.

So, I think the annoyance should still stand really as it doesn’t sound like she could be arsed and the apology makes her sound even more flakey really.

It’s really poor selfish behaviour. And not only do you attend funerals to pay respect to the person who passed away, you also go to support others who cared about the person - like you. I would be so hurt and angry and I can’t believe your husband is taking that stance - she’s not grieving at all and being 24 isn’t an excuse for being a crappy human being. I really wouldn’t be putting myself out for her going forward (and that’s not something I jump to lightly - but the consequences to being selfish means that others are less generous to you). Mind yourself in this moment, be kind to yourself and surround yourself with those who love you. Know that your mother was a very kind woman who chose to be open and generous with her money and that’s it is a lovely reflection on her regardless of how your SD reacts. Sending you kind thoughts at this time.

She did indeed, but being able to move a holiday is a thing that exists. We don't have any more information about these specific plans or costs, so it's pointless to speculate.

So she might not even know about the money and yet you’re making it a key point in your annoyance?
Your comment about ‘not withholding her inheritance’ is telling - no one can withhold an inheritance, a will is a legal document that must be followed.

It’s sad that she felt she couldn’t be honest with you, but it’s not something I’d be getting so worked up about. The inheritance is completely a red herring - to think someone should attend a funeral just because they’ve been left some money is pretty crass TBH. It makes not one iota of difference to your DM who attended her funeral!
I’d likely just let her know that you know she didn’t go because of work but that she’d gone to Wimbledon and a concert. I know that my mum would have encouraged her grandchildren to go to the concert instead of her funeral!

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that she is out living her life and having fun. Life is for living.

OP did say some people had holidays booked for the next week.

Every holiday I’ve ever been on has been non-refundable.

The concert tickets are turning out to be a red herring, because she could have attended both the funeral in the morning and the concert in the afternoon.

The real problem is the lying - saying she had to work (clearly untrue as she had concert tickets) then doubling down and making up a story about a swap with a colleague and a fit of forgetfulness.

It was shitty if she’d lied but she has apologised now and could have forgotten if she’d mentally written it off and she can maybe do something in her own way.
Its a very sad time for you so it’s a shame this has had a negative effect on the day and the memory so if there’s a way to make it positive now that would be best all round.

And hopefully made sure DSD was definitely informed about the bequest before the funeral, since OP has said she's not actually certain she even knows!

What I said in my first paragraph, which simply reiterates what OP wrote.

Whereas in your agreement with OPs decision, you've invented some extra information about holidays not being able to be changed, which OP didn't specify.

So as I said in my second, if you're not taking the first date available, when there are enough of you it raises the issue of having to make value judgements. This is not a matter of opinion. I'm fresh from my family having had to do the same, though you'll have posted this before reading about that.

Not everyone feels comfortable at funerals. I wouldn’t judge someone who just didn’t want to attend. It’s irrelevant that dsd has been left an inheritance. I’m sure if it was a condition of accepting the inheritance that she went to the funeral, the grandmother would have stipulated it in her will….

I’m booking a direct cremation.

What actual support would the step daughter be for the op? deep down rather than just being an another number of mourners.

It’s not that the dsd didn’t support op because that’s her dh’s job role.

I also find weird and frankly funny how loads of people that haven’t bothered to speak to the dead for years suddenly come crawling out the wood work. Not op’s story but in general in funerals. Couldn’t be arsed when they were alive but now their dead need to put on a show.

She didn’t have the Wimbledon tickets, she queued for them the day of the funeral.

I've family in Ireland. Agree it's really different there, but they don't have the funeral backlog we do. None of mine can get their heads round having to wait weeks for a slot. Having also had a family funeral in England quite recently where we had similar issues to the OP, this comes from the fact that we're not able to do them immediately now.

You're right. My mum died when I was 25 and I had just had my first baby. My dad, who didn't appear to give a shit, organised a direct cremation without consulting his children. It wasn't for financial reasons which I would have understood. There was no closure and I've no idea where her ashes went. It all felt cold and unfeeling and downright weird (I felt really embarrassed when people asked how the funeral went) and over 40 years later, it still upsets me.

Yeah maybe it’s different in different places, but if she did consult some people in the picking of the date and DSD wasn’t included then it’s not fair to expect her to drop everything to be there

I read it as a grieving family juggling multiple family member commitments including things that can’t be moved or cancelled like graduations.

What do you think it means?

So she’s known someone for only eight years and the death was not unexpected. In the same circs I’m not sure I’d go to a funeral on a day when I had already invested a lot of money on tickets to literally unrepeatable events. Sorry OP I think you are being harsh

I suppose I am coming at this from an Irish perspective where by and large there is no consultation about dates, and if there were, no-one would think tickets for a concert or a match would be reason to miss a funeral.

What do you think this means then? You presumably read it as it includes the section about the concert being in the evening.

We are dealing with a large extended family, 10 grandkids, 4 children, sisters/brothers. We tried to work around everyone the best we could but some people had holidays booked for next week, 2 of my nieces at Scottish unis had graduation this week etc.
I don’t think we would have been able to take a concert (which she could have made if she came to the service and skipped Wimbledon anyway) into account.
She didn’t tell us about the concert at all though.

The DSD said she was working. But she lied, she wasn’t working. She was queueing at 4am for Wimbledon tickets,

Because going to Wimbledon isn't the same as going to a graduation.

And it certainly isn't the same as paying your last respects and supporting the family.

That’s not what OP said 🙄

Have you missed that DSD could have made the funeral service and gone to the concert?

But if the person isn’t important enough to be considered in the deciding of a date, then why should their attendance be judged so harshly