DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

I completely agree. The number of people who see it as an unfair imposition to spend a couple of hours at a funeral blows my mind. Someone has died but they care more about concert tickets.

And your opinion is no more valid than mine.

Okay granny can't care now but you've got no idea whether she would have cared one way or another if she'd been asked before she died if she'd have appreciated people taking a mere hour or two out of her day to think about it.

Even if she didn't care for her own sake presumably she'd want her dd (op) to have the support she felt she needed/wanted.

If people's wishes count for nothing once they're dead why do we bother writing wills at all?

I disagree that going out of duty respects no one. Why? Lots of things are done out of duty. Lots of jobs wouldn't run without people having a sense of duty and care rather than working strictly to rule. It's very selfish and individualistic to think unless something brings me personal joy and satisfaction it's not worth anything.

The concert was in the afternoon and the DSD could still have attended. She queued for the Wimbledon tickets on the day.

I went to my Dad's funeral. The internment of his ashes was organised without my knowledge and on a day we'd booked to go to Legoland. I realised my Dad would have much preferred we take his DGC to Legoland than standing around a grave so we celebrated his life at Legoland. I don't think my DB made the date either.

I suspect Wimbledon/Concert was already in the calendar when DSD realised there was a clash. The thing is, if I had GC, I'd not want them to give up something that amazing for my funeral either. Your DSD has managed this with the tactlessness of someone in their early twenties but I'm sure the love she had for your Mum was very real. And some people genuinely can't cope with funerals.

@Outsideswimbabe

I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

I would have done the same as your stepdaughter (except I wouldn't have lied about it).
She hasn't disrespected anyone. Funerals are awful but useful for the living who choose to go. Going out of duty respects no one.
AND if anyone is at fault it is those who judge her for not going. (Granny doesn't care and nor should you)

@Outsideswimbabe so sorry for what you went through. The difference between you and the DSD of the OP is you’re approaching this matter with honesty and openness. I would never be mad if someone with a similar story and integrity proceeds as it’s good for their mental health

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

Sorry to read this. Sending love and well done for looking after yourself.

Not that I have to explain myself but I will because you do not seem to understand trauma. I lost both my parents a few years apart when I was a child. Funerals in these circumstances were no comfort to me, quite the opposite. I do understand from your perspective. Can you try and understand it from mine? I have been to funerals over the years and each time I am ill afterwards. I'm at an age now where I have decided not to put myself through this anymore. It's a huge relief. There are people I know who relish going to a funeral. They love to talk about it to anyone who will listen for days afterwards, somehow trying to virtue signal. Very sadly, a young boy accidentally drowned a little while ago. Suddenly everyone seemed to know him well. There's some sort of strange attraction where death is involved for some people. I also think that there is a lot of money being made from people trying to show that their loved one is given "a good send off " which usually involves large amounts of money being spent on expensive coffins that end up being burned or buried and a wake with plenty of food available afterwards. So, all's I can say is you do you. I won't judge you or your beliefs. But I will do what's best for me after years of looking after others both professionally and personally.

@Ownedbykitties

and you think no one else wouldn’t find the funeral of a close loved one traumatic?? It’s a day all about the person who has died- paying respects, remembering them, honouring them. Nobody enjoys it or likes going to funerals - you don’t feel more deeply than anyone else - but sometimes it’s not about us and how we feel, it’s about putting our own feeling aside to honour the person who has just lost their life especially if they have been close to us in life.

I think that OP mentioned the inheritance as an example of just one of the ways in which her mum had always treated OP's step-daughter like one of her own grandchildren. That sounds pretty unusual and extremely kind of OP's mum.

Most of the posts on here about how step-children/step-grandchildren are treated by their non-blood related family are tales of woe relating to not being invited to weddings, being deliberately excluded from family photos and in some cases, people making complicated arrangements for inheritance to ensure that none of the step-children or step-grandchildren will benefit from the inheritance by a single penny, even if it means disinheriting their own children.

I find this very precious.

Money is irrelevant. You don’t ‘earn’ inheritance. It’s given freely or not at all.

No. I wouldn't go. Someone close to me would be worse. I find them traumatic. People can judge me for that but I wouldn't judge others for going or not going.

15k is a substantial amount of money. It’s not a question of buying someone’s attendance at a funeral unless that’s stipulated as a condition of receiving the money. It’s a question of respect.

I’m amazed at the number of posters who have suggested this. It’s actually illegal.

I'd withhold the money and see how she matures. She couldn't be bothered to be at the funeral, to support you and pay her deep respects.....she needs to grow the fuck up

Aside from the fact that would be illegal
It also goes against the wishes of the person who left the money.

There is no correlation between being able to attend a funeral and being left something in a will.

What a ridiculous thing to suggest.

You obviously don't buy someone's attendance, but there are some bizarre ideas about familial relationships and inheritance.

As I said upthread, my SD's partner complained to me that my husband's ex had been left "everything" by her partner. According to the SD's partner, the fact that his child had called the ex's partner "Grandad" meant that he'd been obligated to leave something to her.

That was the first that I realised that there are people who look upon relationships in purely transactional terms.

Posters still fussing about this £15k, I didn't realise you bought someone's attendance at a funeral.

The last I heard from my SGD was when she phoned the solicitor to say that she'd not been able to cash her cheque. (A much smaller amount than 15k.) She wasn't mentioned in DH's will, but he had asked me to give her "a couple of thousand".

I suppose that's reasonable since the letter from the bank would have told her to contact the person who issued the cheque, but it had been signed by me.

I guess she won’t forget to spend the 15k

It would feel right to me, I’m not going to have a funeral.

@Gloriia Whether the person themselves or the family chooses a get together following a direct cremation or a traditional funeral isn’t really the issue here though.

In either case, I think people appreciate it when friends and family make the effort to show up if they can at all.