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Original poster

Sexless Marriage

129 replies

rosesandkisses · 04/07/2025 20:37

AIBU to be utterly misreable (I am 38) - I got married last September, with hopes to start a family. My husband has had sex with me 4 times since then.

Amazingly, I did manage to fall pregnant in May but that resulted in an early miscarriage.

I started to track ovulation as a way to help conceive in April and asked him if he could make sure he has viagra in the house to aid his ED. I explained about the ovulation kit and how we should have intercourse at the time if shows a ‘peak’. I got a smile face on the test kit and was so excited! I messaged to let him know, he had not bothered to get viagra so we missed that month to try. I was very upset, less about not actually have sex, more about the lack of planning from his side.

I feel myself slipping into a depression, I see pictures of myself from last summer full of life and here I am in bed on a Friday on Mumsnet asking if I am unreasonable in floods of tears.

I feel like a fraud making an appointment at the fertility clinic when I know the route cause could be a lack of intercourse and intimacy rather than a medical issue. I want to support him and be kind. I feel this ‘secret’ about our sex lives is eating me up.

We were at an event two weeks ago where I became tearful and went outside, he came and found me. I started to tell him how I felt and he accused me of ‘using him’ (I have no idea where that came from) and that I was speaking to him like dirt. I was basically saying all of the above to him whilst crying, I was not speaking to him like dirt, I was letting out my fears about the future.

Our plan was to get married and try for a family and I feel I could have been sold a lie - surely if he wanted a baby he would be trying to get support and input by now. It is all me researching and making appointments. He has known me since I was 34 and I am now 38. I explained to him I felt he has already had years of my fertility and he will not be wasting a month longer going forward. I cry about the situation now most days.

I have researched all the fertility clinics (paid for the appt in July) and ideas such as home insemination (paid for a kit). I have been to the GP and organised some basic tests. I got and paid for some vitamins for him, he forgets to take them. You get the picture. I feel like I am pushing everything forward. I suggested adoption, he is not interested as ‘he doesn’t want some randoms genes in his house’. I then said what does he think about sperm donation / egg donation if it transpires there is an issue there - again he was reluctant as he wants his own off- spring. I kindly pointed out the reality of situation and that it maybe something we need to think about given the trajectory of things and this recent miscarriage. I discussed IUI as an option and explained how it worked and he seemed open to that. He seemed reluctant to use an egg donor or sperm donation. I spoke about getting a dog - he does not want a dog either. All of these suggestions are speculative as neither of us know at this point if there are any fertility issues. I seen myself with 2-3 kids but now I am slowly grieving a life without children.

What on earth am I meant to do? And most importantly, AIBU to be going out of mind about this? I have been as kind and patient as possible towards him, but I feel resentment and the instinct / possibility that he is actually quite content childfree with not having kids and has led me down the garden path creeping in. Although I would never say that to him and that is speculative. He is 51 - so a bit older than me.

He seems to continue his life as it was before he married me, golf - ski trips etc. He was away for four weeks in February time; combination of work trips and skiing (I do not ski), I think it was around that time that my depression about the situation really ramped up. All I think about is starting a family and what I can do about it, but he is off on another holiday or conference.

During the MC I was not only upset about the loss but also the reality of having to find a way around his ED / have sex with me in order to ‘try again’ and I felt that pit in my stomach that this could realistically be the reality for a long time going forward.

AIBU to be upset about this?

OP posts:
MyCyanReader · 05/07/2025 07:12

@rosesandkisses firstly take your salary out of the joint account. He is using you as a cash cow! £10k since Nov?? He's taking the piss!!

You're clearly not happy in this relationship and he clearly isn't interested.

If a baby is your priority then you need to go down the speem donor route and the wheels in motion with this.

Original poster
rosesandkisses · 05/07/2025 07:07

@aroundcircleHe told me initially that is what he wanted too - a family life and children, I was so happy I found someone on the same page as me and yes I liked him. So initally both of what we wanted was aligned and we appeared to have had a great time. As time has pushed on the situation as turned as described. If I had known my husband would barely touch me, comfort or hold me during my miscarriage, not so much as kiss me - then of course I would have thought twice about marrying him.

I tried to find ways to increase intimacy originally, and be as kind and patient as possible but its worn thin, especially with the TTC issue. I used to try and arrange ‘date nights’ for the evenings, but he would have his lunch at three so he wouldnt be hungry by the time he came home so the food would be left and I would just go to bed. He was more interested in other things that coming to bed with me - so I just gave up, it was better than feeling rejected. Last night I suggested we went out for something to eat, he was not bothered and did not want to so obviously we did not go for food. I feel he does the ‘bare minimum’ in order to appease me intermittently.

This weekend he will be playing golf all weekend, when he comes home later afternoon he will say hi then nap on the sofa, I will go to bed at 8pm depressed and he will come to bed at 10/11pm. Rinse, repeat.

OP posts:
aroundcircle · 05/07/2025 06:55

rosesandkisses · 05/07/2025 06:36

Have I waited too long though to be a SMBC
I honestly wish I had not bothered getting married and just done it in my mid thirties (if I had known this relatio ship would end up like this)

The reason why I married him was as he was keen to have children; ironically. I had met many idiots and time wasters OLD who were just horrific, this one came along and on paper he was cut and above the rest. He had a good job, nice house, would message and not play games etc - so it was a welcolm relief. Little did I know it was all smoke and mirrors and there was a reason a guy of his age, who had it all good on paper, had never had a relationship. Hindsights a great thing.

Show quote history

Do you actually like him OP? It sounds a little like you married him just so you could have a stable relationship in which to raise children? If so, he’s probably not wrong for feeling like he’s being ‘used’. But at the same time, it sounds as though he’s using you too, to bolster his income and to have someone to organise his home/life. Unless I’m reading it wrong, it sounds like a marriage of convenience with not much love and affection.

I wouldn’t want to live like that and I can understand why you would feel lonely, especially if he’s away a lot and not paying you or the relationship much attention. I think bringing a child into that is a very bad idea. What if he’s similarly dismissive of his child? Growing up with an emotionally unavailable dad can be really awful.

Louoby · 05/07/2025 06:51

It sounds as if he is dragging his heals! You are 38 and don’t have a lot of time on your side. If a family is what you want, give him an ultimatum and if he cannot even be bothered to “try” then end the marriage. Your biological clock is ticking and you could leave it another 2 years and be too late. Do not let this man ruin your chances of a family. Go it alone and you’ll be a lot happier it seems!

Original poster
rosesandkisses · 05/07/2025 06:49

SquishyGloopyBum · 05/07/2025 06:46

Just on the money side, look at the back statements for the joint account and add up how much he’s taken from there in total for the mortgage. If you leave him, I’d be going for that at least. I think you can also register a financial interest with the land registry.

He has taken 10k out of it since I started my new job in November

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 05/07/2025 06:46

Just on the money side, look at the back statements for the joint account and add up how much he’s taken from there in total for the mortgage. If you leave him, I’d be going for that at least. I think you can also register a financial interest with the land registry.

Original poster
rosesandkisses · 05/07/2025 06:36

saltnpepperchips · 04/07/2025 23:34

Dont waste another minute with this loser. I have a beautiful boy born by sperm donation as my boyfriend at the time was older and didn’t want more kids. I haven’t regretted it for a single moment. My son is happy and well adjusted and surrounded by a loving family - grandparents, aunts uncles cousins and the ex boyfriend ended up as a sort of bonus uncle! He will never be shunted between 2 houses like some of his little friends whose parents have split. I haven’t had to compromise on how to bring him up parenting techniques etc and or waste my energy on a crap relationship- he’s an absolute delight and the best thing I ever did. Do not waste your fertile years on this guy time is of the essence here. Wishing you all the luck in the world xx

Have I waited too long though to be a SMBC
I honestly wish I had not bothered getting married and just done it in my mid thirties (if I had known this relatio ship would end up like this)

The reason why I married him was as he was keen to have children; ironically. I had met many idiots and time wasters OLD who were just horrific, this one came along and on paper he was cut and above the rest. He had a good job, nice house, would message and not play games etc - so it was a welcolm relief. Little did I know it was all smoke and mirrors and there was a reason a guy of his age, who had it all good on paper, had never had a relationship. Hindsights a great thing.

OP posts:
FourLove · 05/07/2025 06:35

OP you are very unhappy and unsatisfied with this man. If you can’t work out how to leave or change things, counselling could help a lot.

Original poster
rosesandkisses · 05/07/2025 06:22

Wreckinball · 05/07/2025 00:44

I’d get to the fertility clinic so you can both be tested, you may need IVF anyway, if he’s still willing, but you need to be prepared to be a single mum x

Yes mu apt is in a few weeks and I am prepared to ‘go alone’

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandkisses · 05/07/2025 06:15

MuckFusk · 05/07/2025 01:01

Re; seeing his GP, promising to get Viagra, I have a feeling he might be buying time by pretending he wants this, hoping you'll eventually give up. I hope I'm wrong, but when you have to push for somebody to do things which demonstrate they have told you the truth, it's solid evidence the other person isn't motivated and may in fact be a lying liarface. I get the feeling you you suspect it too but you're going through the motions just in case. Just don't wait too long.

This is what I feel he has done

OP posts:
Aoppley · 05/07/2025 05:14

Chiseltip · 04/07/2025 21:35

Having a baby by sperm donor is utterly selfish and cruel to the child.

It's a horrible thing to do to someone.

Deliberately depriving them of a father.

Show quote history

What a stupid comment. A bad father is far more damaging than no father.

Honestly I wish I had had no father. My life would have been so much better, and I likely wouldn't be dealing with all the mental health issues caused from abuse. As long as the child grows in an environment full of love, they will be perfectly fine with one parent.

HotThroughHeat · 05/07/2025 04:51

Move your money now, move your next pay and leave.
Start the divorce proceedings.
He is probably gay, who does he ski/ golf with ?

Leave for a happier life, this is no life

Kimwestonhelpless · 05/07/2025 03:29

To disappear for the whole of Feb is taking the piss in it's self plus all the other issues.
In all honesty op your better off out of it and come time be with someone else.

MercuryRisingBeware · 05/07/2025 01:54

I'm sorry but it sounds like a lot is going on behind the scenes....

Dodeedoo · 05/07/2025 01:40

Chiseltip · 04/07/2025 21:33

Yeah, treating someone like a walking sperm dispensary is so sexy . .

No wonder he doesn't want to have sex.

What ever gave you the idea that demanding a man get an erection and have an orgasm is.in any way appropriate.

If it were reversed and your DH demanded you have sex, people would call it abuse.

Oh shut it!

JHound · 05/07/2025 01:16

he said something quite interesting which was very telling ‘we do not need a cleaner I am married to you’

Ew!

SnowFrogJelly · 05/07/2025 01:06

Why did you marry him?

MuckFusk · 05/07/2025 01:01

Re; seeing his GP, promising to get Viagra, I have a feeling he might be buying time by pretending he wants this, hoping you'll eventually give up. I hope I'm wrong, but when you have to push for somebody to do things which demonstrate they have told you the truth, it's solid evidence the other person isn't motivated and may in fact be a lying liarface. I get the feeling you you suspect it too but you're going through the motions just in case. Just don't wait too long.

everychildmatters · 05/07/2025 00:55

51 is very old to be thinking about becoming a first-time dad. My husband was 44 when our daughter was born and she is categorically his first and last!! Little kids are exhausting so would a 51/52 yo father cope very well?

MuckFusk · 05/07/2025 00:55

Chiseltip · 04/07/2025 21:33

Yeah, treating someone like a walking sperm dispensary is so sexy . .

No wonder he doesn't want to have sex.

What ever gave you the idea that demanding a man get an erection and have an orgasm is.in any way appropriate.

If it were reversed and your DH demanded you have sex, people would call it abuse.

I don't see anything to indicate she demanded it. Please quote the passage you are referring to.

MuckFusk · 05/07/2025 00:53

SquishedMallow · 05/07/2025 00:36

Is there any chance your husband could be gay?

Or fucking somebody else on those many "work" and "ski" trips.

MuckFusk · 05/07/2025 00:51

Do not bring a baby into a troubled marriage. It will only make it worse.
It sounds like he is not at all motivated to either have a baby or a sex life, which is his choice to make. However, since a sexless, childless life isn't acceptable to you and it's making you miserable, you would probably be best to go your separate ways. Looks like he may have sold you a bill of goods to get you to commit, which is unconscionable.

simsbustinoutmimi · 05/07/2025 00:44

SquishedMallow · 05/07/2025 00:41

I know 2 people personally that married gay men. (Unbeknownst to them at the time )

Both wives were tearful and frustrated as their husbands appeared to have an absymally low sex drive and never initiated sex.

One of those men wanted children. As soon as two children were produced, he then came out.

The other one with apparently no sex drive and erectile dysfunction was caught online engaging in virtual sex with many different men and admitted he was gay when caught red handed but liked the 'set up ' of a heteronormative life.

Both men are now married to other men.

It doesn’t sound like this one even wants children.

Wreckinball · 05/07/2025 00:44

I’d get to the fertility clinic so you can both be tested, you may need IVF anyway, if he’s still willing, but you need to be prepared to be a single mum x

SquishedMallow · 05/07/2025 00:41

I know 2 people personally that married gay men. (Unbeknownst to them at the time )

Both wives were tearful and frustrated as their husbands appeared to have an absymally low sex drive and never initiated sex.

One of those men wanted children. As soon as two children were produced, he then came out.

The other one with apparently no sex drive and erectile dysfunction was caught online engaging in virtual sex with many different men and admitted he was gay when caught red handed but liked the 'set up ' of a heteronormative life.

Both men are now married to other men.