Attracted to a married man

If it helps you could turn yourself off him by thinking of him opening a Velcro wallet at a bar really loudly, or running with a backpack or going over a speed bump saying ‘wheeee’

Your marriage sounds miserable and I would definitely consider divorce.

I would not pursue a sexual relationship with someone else's husband. It's immoral and it won't make you happy.

This

Is it possible that the attraction (or a large part of it) is the idea of creating an “out” of your own marriage?

If you are not happy in your marriage to the point you are seriously considering launching a grenade into yours, your children’s, your husbands and this other man’s families lives then why don’t you bite the bullet and leave your marriage?

Also I would say it is unfair to not have a serious and honest conversation with your husband about how unhappy you are and the causes of your unhappiness. It’s not fair to expect him to read your mind and it may be that he is equally unhappy with the status quo. Maybe you end up changing things together for the better, you must have had attraction to him in the beginning? Or maybe you decide to seperate.

You are correct in that most people do meet their next partner while with someone else, but when children are involved, you can’t do anything until you are fully out of the marriage. Everything done and dusted.

Keep your nose clean.

if the other man is meant for you, then he will wait and you can get together when you are both completely free. But I think you know this is not a love story, it’s an escape. And who can blame you for wanting to escape.

Keep your nose clean and good luck x

Similar story

i was in an unhappy 6 year relationship, he was in an unhappy abusive marriage of 15 years, worked together also, we became very close friends and I guess we realised how unhappy we was, I left my partner then he left his wife shortly after, we was together after that. 3 years on we are married with a baby and never been happier.

I can already see the comments ‘he will leave how he came to you’ hahaha I always find that funny because you don’t know what really goes on in people’s lives and why they stay, it’s not as easy as ‘just leave’ not everything is that straight forward

I think you’ll find a lot of relationships start this way or similar but no one admits to it

I’m shocked that thinking of an innocent wife whose life could potentially be destroyed if you proceed meant that my comment was deleted.

But you really should think of his wife. It’s easy to dismiss her and think “I’m not breaking any vows to her” but he can’t cheat alone, can he? She’s probably at home, doting and catering to his every whim (including sex) and wondering why he seems like he’s checking out of their marriage.

Please don’t be that person. The pain really is unbearable.

I think your comment is overly harsh and mean. OP has already stated that she has issues with her husband. She started this thread because she’s feeling low due to issues with her OH and finds herself drawn to a married man. She’s asking advice on the situation and if you bothered to read her engagement you’d see she is responding positively to the advice of it being a bad idea. OP already recognises it’s wrong but wanted sense talking into her. Vindictive replies like yours would stop people asking for help in future so try to correct your tone ,maybe in future.

Stop being a selfish cow and think of ALL the children involved, and your husband who you clearly don’t love. Find some balls and leave if you must but LEAVE THE OTHER CHILDREN’s FAMILY UNIT ALONE.

I expect you’re romanticising the idea of this guy at work because you’re so unhappy in your marriage. Extra marital affairs are never a good idea. Stay away from him and focus on yourself. Start getting yourself organised to divorce your husband.

Unless he is actually unhappy already in his marriage and takes steps to sort that out properly then yes agree if he just goes ahead and cheats on his wife that’s a red flag for you already.

Have to say, you seem to be flying a little close to the flame already especiwith how you say he likes to get physically close to you. Please don’t encourage it and be part of making another woman somewhere unhappy - especially as you know she also has kids!

If you do anything at all with this married man then, no matter how awful your husband is, no matter how much he ignores you, how badly he treats you, how much he drinks, how much he does or doesn't do around the house etc etc... YOU will always be the villain here. The one that broke up the marriage, the one that broke up the other marriage. The evil witch that stole away someone else's husband and daddy.
If it ever got serious, your step-kids would hate you, co-parenting with his ex-wife would be horrible because she would hate you both, your own children would even resent you, and grow up with the mindset of "mum had an affair and split up the marriage".

All morality aside, all thoughts of other people and their feelings aside - why be the villain for the rest of your life and let your husband be the victim, get away with his behaviour scott free, when you could just leave him for his behaviour and keep some respect and dignity? why do that to yourself?

An affair isn't the answer

Get rid of the nasty husband and start living again

Lust.. stop looking elsewhere, try to fix what's broke. Then make a weighted decision but not with some other mums husband. That's grim.

You sound so unhappy, find a way to leave your H and concentrate on your children and being a happy little unit, love yourself then maybe think about a relationship . Married man would be only short term, would you want a cheater

Leave your husband if he's that bad, but you would be very unreasonable to try something with this other man while he's still married. Have the self-respect to hold out for a man who's actually available. Regardless of how attractive you find your colleague, it would be disgusting behaviour to pursue him or try to entice him to pursue you while he's married.

Talking from experience (and no I wasn’t the one who had the affair) his poor wife deserves none of this. If you start an affair or encourage him and he acts on it then yes, he destroyed his marriage, but you are equally to Blame for destroying that home. You know full well he’s not available, no matter what he portrays, and you still want to pursue it. Shame on you, and him for encouraging it. If you’re so unhappy then leave, the same goes for him. Don’t hurt innocent parties because you can’t respect boundaries. Grow some balls and speak up. With your attitude towards marriage and splitting up homes I wouldn’t particularly want to be with you either.

people will say the man’s to blame for his part in hurting his family and your to blame for yours but no, you both play an equal part In splitting up two homes, happy or not. Grow up

I want him to pursue me but also feel very bad and sad, we both have young children.

You should feel bad. Step away from the married man.

Sounds like time to have a real talk with your husband about how unhappy you are, and why, and find out how he feels about your marriage too. People do come back from this. If you can’t, then get divorced. And leave the dating for a while afterwards. Let your kids get used to the new way of life. Definitely do not encourage something to happen with this chap who is someone else’s husband, a father to children. You know nothing about his marriage.

My wife left me for another married woman (a friend of ours), leaving 2 sets of children dealing with their parents’ divorce. Although it was of course my wife who made that decision for us, I still feel the OW was responsible too - she threw herself at the situation in the most overt way and had that not happened, I’m fairly sure we’d still be married. Makes it hard to get on with her in a co-parenting situation, though I do it through gritted teeth. Not a situation I’d wish on anyone.

Exploding your life and someone else’s is not the answer to your problems.

Yes it is, and it’s also awful to cheat as a married woman, even if you do have excuses.

It’s not awful to change your life and leave your husband, it sounds like something you need to work towards. The married man isn’t the one for you, he is taken and even if he did cheat he’d be as shit as your husband. He’s just a sign that you need to make changes to your own life now, and maybe a friend at best.