Attracted to a married man

Yep. Not just cheaters but people who have forgiven and stayed with a cheater. They are looking to justify that choice and will come up with all sorts of twisted reasoning to do so.

You cannot solve your unhappiness by inflicting unhappiness on another woman and her children. Sort yourself out then seek an available partner. What sort of man would this colleague be if he was willing to cheat on his partner? Hardly an appropriate partner for you or potential stepdad to your kids.

Don’t be ridiculous. A cheating married man is the ultimate slug but that doesn’t make the woman he is with blameless. They may not be at the same level as the slug but they’re definitely a woodlouse.

Make sure your partner to be has left his wife before you start anything.

If you are sad and lonely that is entirely up to you to change. You described yourself as a high achiever, attractive, mum to two kids etc, but you can’t figure a way to sort your life out?
Going after someone else’s husband, and child’s father is not the way to win at life. Fix your life first. You are the one putting up with the cheat, drinker, so start there. You need to leave him, work on yourself and take some time out before another relationship. It may just be messages etc, but you know where this heads.

Have the decency to leave your husband before you enter into other relationships. Infidelity is awful.
And stay away from married men. A lot of this mutual attraction is probably in your head because you’re so unhappy.

No, it’s not “horrible”, it’s the truth. A good human being wouldn’t be considering trying to start an affair with a married man, or admitting they actively want him to pursue them.

Years ago, my ex husband had an affair with a coworker who very much knew I existed. The sense of hurt and betrayal put me into such a dark place, it almost finished me off.

I understand the feeling of wanting to be wanted, but this is not the answer.

So your life is shit and your solution is to ruin another woman's life by having an affair with her husband? That makes you sound as awful as your husband but in a different way.

Are you absolutely sure your work crush feels the same way about you OP? Be a bit careful. I have a friend who’s really lovely and I’m very fond of her, but she does like to fantasise and look for a bit of excitement. She started to get friendly with a man at work, neither were married or had children and she swore there was mutual chemistry. They did both have OHs that they lived with. Cut to the work Christmas party, she got drunk and slapped her male work friend’s bum thinking he would take as a bit of a lark. She got a written warning from her employer for sexually harassing him. Despite being friends and going to lunch together etc he still put in a complaint about her. I was shocked when I first heard but she said HR were very clear that they treat men and women equally and that’s fair enough.

Just because you don’t like or want your husband, doesn’t mean his wife doesn’t like or want hers. Please don’t do this to a woman you don’t even know. Leave your husband, by all means, but not with the intention of nabbing yourself a married man.

This is a super post.

Having a relationship whilst still married will really ruin everything for several reasons: mostly related to the kids; also pouring petrol on the dumpster fire that every divorce is anyway, but it sets up the second relationship as having been done ‘wrong’ from the off, and it means you’ll never know if he actually thought his current marriage was bad enough to end, rather than you unwittingly being pussy fodder to a serial cheat. It also means that you cheating (being A Cheat) will be ‘there’ in every subsequent relationship.

Your marriage is not worth having, so deal with that first.

When you cheat, it isn't just on your husband, it is on your children too.

When it is inevitably found out the devastation is like a shock wave ripping through the entire family. It is a thousand times worse than you just getting a divorce.

If you do get divorce you should definitely start putting the children first though. Your taste in men is abhorrent and the last thing they need is the chaos of their mother jumping from one abusive man to another. Cheating is a form of emotional abuse, this new beau of yours is just as abusive and soul destroying as your current one.

Your wording is interesting. It's awful to want a married man to cheat. Yet you don't seem to be framing your own wanting something physical to happen with a married man as you cheating? I think ultimately you know you need to end your marriage. The irony is once you've done that other men probably won't seem as appealing because this is just an escape for you at the moment because you're so unhappy.

His wife probably finds him equally as attractive. In fact, imagine this notion, his wife may actually love him! Do not destroy her life. Who knows what you could cause to happen to this woman all because you thought your crush was more meaningful than her marriage and the family she has created. She could get depressed, or worse. You could ruin this woman's life. She does not deserve that.
Focus on having that love in your future. Build your own confidence after divorcing your husband and then get yourself out there. But not to the love of someone else's life.

Indeed. Many cheaters cannot bear the reality that most people really do look down on them and judge them - as they should - and flock to these sorts of comments to try to denigrate people who behave decently.

It's just the same crew who will pretend that "all men go to strip clubs" or "everyone does..." whatever seedy thing they themselves do. I am pretty sure it is a deliberate attempt to gaslight normal people, try to convince them that being in the gutter is normal and you are the prude for caring about ethics and respect and honesty.

If you are in a relationship by choice and have agreed to monogamy there is never any excuse of any kind for cheating. Absolutely never. You can leave, you can discuss, you can announce your intention of sleeping with other people and give your partner that option but cheating is always off the table if you have any ethics or worth as a partner.

Aside from all the cheating stuff too... please remember that you don't really know this other man at work - how he is outside of work, whether or not he priorities his family / partner, what he's like under stress, what his expectations are of a relationship etc etc. You are making a lot of assumptions about how you think he would be, and through rose-tinted glasses, because you are unhappy. Until you actually know someone "in real life", you have no idea what they are actually like to be in a relationship with. He could be a total knob, behind closed doors. Don't pin all your ideas of happiness, on someone you don't even know.

Your feelings are telling you something. Look at it as a sign to get out of your marriage and start something new. How much better and nicer would it be to end things properly and start a new life - rather than still being stuck with your husband and deal with the guilt, shame and fallout at work/home for an affair on top.

concentrate on what would really make you and those around you happy.

He’s not writing here asking for advice, only she is. So the advice is aimed at her not to encourage or start an affair.

I'm not sure what you mean? She simply sounds like someone who has morals and finds it pretty abhorrent from both sides (the cheating man and the enabling affair partners). I'm sorry you find morals such an alien concept and find them something to scorn.

She doesn't owe his wife anything because she doesnt know her? What a truly awful way to look at the world. So because you don't know someone, you don't owe them anything? You don't owe them the basic decency to not help play a part in blowing up their life? Ah well I guess my mantra in life going forward is I don't know you, I owe you nothing. Imagine the world was full of people with that attitude...

Move jobs, or choose to destroy a couple of marriages. As you were leaning towards the latter, it's a shame for all the innocent parties involved, but soon you almost certainly be single and free to do as you please.

Alternatively get into counselling with or without your husband (without if he is actually an abuser) and decide if you want to be married at all and if the answer is no, do the right thing and leave without betraying your marriage and degrading yourself and throwing everything into chaos.

Bullshit. She would absolutely be enabling it. He would be the primary destroyer and she would be secondary, because without an AP he wouldn't be able to cheat.
We all owe each other kindness. It's called being civilized and no society could function if everyone had a self-serving attitude like yours. It would be chaos.

Separate from your husband and file for divorce. Then date somebody who is single. FFS, it isn't that complicated. Don't do something that could cause your children to lose respect for you. Also, think of what you would be doing to hurt this man's wife, a person who has done nothing to you.
Your husband is abusive, so I don't give a shit if you hurt him, but don't do something that will inevitably hurt that man's wife and kids and your own kids. Be humane and decent.

The blame lies with her too. She has ,deliberately.encouraged him whilst.he encourages.her. Each one is as bad as the other.
.They should consider all the.children involved. In the end they are more important.

Do you really think that? Is that what you teach your children? That it’s ok to treat someone like absolute shit as long as we’ve made no specific promises not to do so? Surely not.

OP sort out your own marriage or end it. Leave the other man to do the same.