14 year old boys are a pain in the ass.

I’ve scanned some of the thread now, @summerholidaynow- there’s some good stuff here: particularly on keeping them busy. Gives them less time to gob off at us….

@NevilleBigBottomThe dishwasher stuff reminds me of the toddler “why?” and “how does x work?” stage… Thoughts, prayers, and gin/chocolate coming your way…

@Harry12345 I worry about their responses too. I describe our younger one as being “slippery” and the elder as being “spiteful” when they are on a roll. We have neurodivergence in our house too, so it is very much on my mind as to who they are going to be as adults. I reinforce positive, good people do x and behave y and say z at every opportunity - all in the hope that something filters through!!

Mines have been the exact same, if I’d stopped at 2 I’d maybe think I was a great parent and be a bit ignorant but my 3rd has pushed me beyond my limits.

I have three sons, @Jennps - the older two came through the teenage years relatively smoothly, but the third was much, much harder - he lost his temper a lot, was rude and difficult. All three boys had the same parenting - fairly strict parenting - but one of them had a radically different experience of the teenage years than the other two.

How do you explain that?

My boys are through this unscathed but my daughter is entering this phase and is awful!

Mine likes to wind me up by asking stupid questions, for example "DS empty the dishwasher" - "what's the dishwasher?"
I let it flow over me most of the time but sometimes that drives me absolutely crazy. He is still loving, sweet and kind. But is a pain in the arse 😄

Omg the gaslight thing, I keep worrying with my son he will be like that in a relationship! He bends the truth and is never wrong

I haven’t had time to read the thread in full @summerholidaynow- but as an owner of a 17 year old specimen AND an 18 year old specimen I have two current data points.

It is not you. It is real. It is happening. They can be absolute horrors that leave you sobbing in your room wondering where and when you took such a wrong turn with your parenting.

It does improve. Just very slowly. You’ve got GCSEs to get through first. You’re going to feel gaslit at points. Dig in.

Top tip. Get a hobby that means you need to leave the house. Don’t be quite so available to everyone. I’ve started walking longer distances with the dog. I’m on Strava, checking my pace, and finding different routes to try. I listen to podcasts and music and it leaves me more resilient for the shenanigans at home.

Seriously go and read up on teenage brains and behaviour and get off your high horse

DD is 18 and off to university this year. She's navigated adolescence with relative ease. Be open and honest, boundaries negotiated but you have the final say and enjoy their company. I'm a teacher and find teenagers endlessly curious, keen to please and so very funny.

I'm probably fortunate that DD has always been pretty easy to parent and the biggest challenge of adolescence was her worrying about the people around her. DS is nearly 14 and while he is hungry all the time, struggles with sleep a bit and is awkward and uncoordinated, he's still funny and kind and fantastic company.

Oh yes ! Agreeing here. All that I do is wrong...

We have two 14 year olds and one is lovely 95% of the time and one is lovely about 70% if the time

I expect it's mainly luck.

But things that help, I think

• lots of hobbies, including hobbies that include an element of risk and taking responsibility.

• chores linked to pocket money , and scope to earn extra for extra jobs.
• family time away so they aren't always with their friends
• doing something together each night. Even if it's just gaming together or watching TV
• phone curfews if they are struggling to put them down
• plenty of sensible food for snack as they have crazy hungry days.

If anyone can give me any hints on teenage girls though that would be much appreciated because DD hasn't even hit her teens yet and I have a feeling we are in for a bumpy ride

😂 This sounds like the kind of person who has one toddler and thinks that their parenting is the reason they sleep through/don’t tantrum/aren’t a picky eater.

Honestly this thread could not have come at a better time for me. My son is 11 and I’m starting to see this. I know I’m going to struggle with it, but I’m trying my best to pick my battles. Lots of good advice on here. Check in with me in 6/7 years and see if I’m still sane.
n.b. I do love him very much

Did you not understand what I wrote?

I'm saying you sound as confident as a 14 year old explaining why they don't need a bedtime. I don't have a 14 year old, it was an analogy.

What does your 14 year old’s bed time have to do with this?

Written with the misplaced confidence of a 14 year old who doesn't need a bedtime.

No it’s not common.

They’ll behave depending on your parenting.

This constant labelling of teenagers as rude, difficult and troublesome and making it out to be some kind of default setting for teenagers is just a way of excusing bad parenting.

Not all teenagers are like that because many parents actually raise them with higher expectations and parenting.

Maybe you aren't, but some people are saying things like this:

14 year olds, regardless of gender, are a total pain the arse

So I just wanted to make the point that they aren't all awful, especially as there are some people on the thread who aren't there yet and were getting the impression that it was definitely going to be terrible.

Anyway, I'll bow out now.

I feel your pain

I'm not judging! It just makes me feel sad that all 14yo are getting a bad press, when some of them are great. I'll probably be back in a years' time starting a thread about 15 year olds 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m glad this popped up, I’ve just had an awful shopping trip with my 14 year old ds.

It started so lovely, we were having a laugh etc until the trainers he wanted weren’t available in his size. Then the monotone voice appeared, a bit hangry too (not eaten for 1 hour) and the afternoon took a nosedive. If anyone spotted a harassed looking woman walking very fast with a sullen teen walking a few feet behind this afternoon, that would have been me. I’m not taking him shopping again for a few years. Thankfully he was laughing and speaking normally again by the time we got home.

I can confirm it all rights itself. I have one nearly 18 yr old boy who is back to normal - he was VILE at 14/15 and then started to get better again at 16. I started to think I had spawned Damian.

Now my second is 14 and I was convinced he would not become vile as he is so sweet. Wrong. He is now vile also. At least this time I know he’ll come back 😂

I have a DS15 who is a really lovely boy and always has been.

DD13 is better than when she was 11, but still hard to reach sometimes. They're massive toddlers with a more imaginative vocabulary, and I try to remember that when she's screaming that she hates me because her top is in the wash.

I show her love even when she's being a massive arse, but once she's calmed down we discuss the things she shouldn't have done and said. She does feel sorry afterwards. I don't take it personally. If I took it personally I'd really struggle, but it isn't personal.