To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads

Friends of mine had a big party/BBQ for their 10 year anniversary. I thought it was lovely, don't think it crossed anyone's mind that their marriage had been in a bad place. They didn't do an actual renewal though.

I think i would do the party and nice dress how you want it, but keep the vow renewal separate and private.

I've been to an anniversary party where they did a fairly sweet/funny update to their original wedding vows which was nice (done more as toasts to each other), but just saying the same exact vows again doesn't feel like it needs an audience to me!

Did anyone see the series "The Four Seasons"? The story line about the vow renewal was very tragi-comic.

We were in a similar position with our wedding - wasn’t pregnant, but it was very much for family and we got pushed into a big wedding, so I know how you feel. After I have had our third and final baby we want to do something special and more along the lines we wanted for our wedding. Not a renewal, but like a special party. We have been saving up for it pretty much since we got back off honeymoon, we don’t have loads but it will cover a great party!

I can’t lie, sometimes I do think that about a renewal, but that’s because all the people I know who renewed were either in remission from terminal illness, or about to get divorced. If you want to do it though I think you should! It doesn’t matter what other people think - and I wish I had been more assertive with not caring what others thought about my wedding.

I’d assume someone has cheated and this is a band-aid gesture.

(and being truly honest, I’d assume the man cheated and the wife is willing to overlook that for the price of a big party and, potentially, a new piece of jewellery).

You take vows for life, why renew unless they’ve been broken and you have to recommit to them?

We've been married for nearly 40 years and I thought we could renew our vows on our silver but DH insisted that vow renewals indicate that one person has cheated. I'm pleased he trusts me that much, no I haven't cheated.

I also had the dress that wasn't my dream but I now realise that the marriage is far more important than the wedding was. Mark your 10th in a special way, we went to St Lucia or have a huge party to celebrate.

Throw an anniversary party but fancy 😁

and yes if I got invited to a vow renewal I’d think someone had an affair…

Yeah, I’d assume affair or similar.
Could you do a posh anniversary party where you and DH both do a speech?

Because repeating the vows is a bit weird, isn't it. You already did that bit, signed the legal documents. It's a legal ceremony, not a show you want to see again and again.

An anniversary party is just that - a celebration that you've managed to get that far.

I would assume there had been a big life event. I’ve know three couples who’ve renewed their vows. One was after the husband had survived cancer and the other two were after one of the couple had cheated.

Why is an anniversary party a wonderful expression of marital stability, but an anniversary party where they also repeat their vows a terrible sign of everything going to shit?

I know 3 couples who had vow renewals. 2 were due to infidelity and the other was because the female partner loves any and every chance to throw a fantastic party and dress up.

Why not just have it as an anniversary party?

I'm afraid yes, if I read it was a vow renewal I would wonder who broke them. Otherwise what's the point? You're already married, no need to do it again.

As my late husband said when someone suggested it "Why renew vows when the old ones still work" But I'd absolutely do the wedding reception you never had....and a honeymoon too!

Wows are supposed to be for life, so I always think someone must have broken them to need/want a renewal.

Just have a big anniversary party.

It's the "big weddings are only for unhappy couples" school of non-thought.

The very fact that you want to do it because you're happy is proof that it isn't always a sign of the marriage being in trouble, although if everyone who is happy like you avoids doing it for that reason, it becomes something of a self-filfilling prophecy.

If you want to do it, do it. Anyone who wants to judge you for it doesn't need to come and I'd hope you wouldn't be inviting them anyway.

Have it if you want to, and then everyone who thinks it means your marriage is shit can spend the next 40 years going insane that you're happy.

I would wonder which one of you cheated.

If any of my friends husbands cheated or were not going well they would not see a vow renewal as any part of the healing process. I would never think that is the reason for how renewal. Just a nice ceremony added on to a milestone anniversary.

I expect most of your friends and family are aware you didnt love your wedding day anyway so will be happy for you to get another one.

I had no idea people thought "affair" about vow renewals until I joined MN!

I admit we did have a wedding blessing at our youngest christening. There were reasons for that including that it was the church we attended and was part of our life and community (but the old vicar was very old school and had refused to marry us as my husband had been married before). The new vicar suggested a vow renewal but we decided on just the blessing element we didn't feel our vows had ever been "undone" if that makes sense. And it was also a celebration of our family being complete - many years of secondary infertility and loss before youngest finally arrived!

Embarrassingly I thought about it for our 20th wedding anniversary as we'd been through some rough times and i thought it would be a nice way to celebrate and also sort of signify looking forward to a better future
Thank god I didn't as he then cheated and left me...I can laugh now!
But only on mn have I heard it signify trouble!

If you want to, then do.

I admit I do think of a renewal as something you if something big has happened in the marriage, and you need to make the vows fresh. Otherwise why bother?

I’d say go for it if that’s what you want to do!!

I’ve always assumed that if people are renewing their vows it suggests that they’re making up for something - usually an affair.

I wouldn’t think someone had had an affair but I would raise my eyebrows at “vow renewal” as vows are forever.

But there’s absolutely no reason you can’t have a lovely anniversary party with a fabulous dress and nice speeches though.

No it doesn't.

and you cant wear a wedding dress to a anniversary party, which is part of the reason OP wants to do a vow renewal.