To think that a vow renewal means marriage on last threads

Any person under the age of 50 that I've known who has done a vow renewal was because of infidelity. Vows don't expire. By all means have a Belated Wedding, but I'd think it a bit cringey if you were dressed as a bride 10 years after your wedding. I'd also be making it very clear that presents are not to be bought.

We renewed our vows a few weeks ago, just the three children and 1 son in law then…it was good fun

the only person saying that vow renewal means divorce out of the people who knew we were doing it was me 😀

married for 35 years in a few months and together for 39 years at the end of the year

it doesn’t matter what people think….just do it if you want to

Anniversary party👍. It seems like a nice thing to do since you didn’t get to have the wedding you wanted. If people roll their eyes, who the hell cares. We don’t celebrate enough in my opinion. Life is short, have all the fun you want.

I would assume someone had cheated.

I had family members who did a vow renewal at 25 years for really similar reasons, they invited their best friends and closest family and had a ball. They couldn’t afford the wedding they really wanted when they first did it. I wouldn’t automatically assume that there was an issue no, but if it were me I might be quite vocal that ‘neither of us has cheated, we just want a re-do’ My family members had their vow renewal 7 years ago and they seem to be still going strong!

Did everyone here actually have vows at their wedding? We did my first, which was in a church and all that, but he certainly didn't keep them and so neither did I at the end! Second wedding no vows, but we are 20 years in and no sign of falling apart yet. I don't think its always the vows that are the important bit!

100% that was exactly why I arranged renewals of vows which didn’t even actually happen because of his behaviour
I suppose I wanted one last nice set of photos with all the children dressed up, Knowing the shit storm that was ahead of them poor little souls

For me - part of what was important in my wedding was the promise of til death do us part. I really don’t see the point in vow renewals. It’s like you didn’t mean it the first time.
By all means have a huge party with speeches etc but I don’t get saying the vows again.

I think they are grotesquely self-indulgent.

Expecting people to go to great lengths, and often some expensive, so you can have a pretend wedding is selfish.

I'd try to make excuses if I was invited to one. If i couldn't get out it, i'd spend the day feeling resentful that my time and good-wishes were being stolen.

Well I never did it because i hadn’t broken any of my original vows, so couldn’t see the point of it. But each to their own.

I used to want to do it at some point but actually it just makes me think that one party has cheated and the couple are trying for a fresh start.

so no, I wouldn’t do it. But I understand why you might want to. I had a great wedding. I just wanted to do it again. I’m 20+years married though so I think it would look awful.

I’d call it a Belated Wedding and tell everyone it will include all The best bits and none of the stress. Have a great time

I wouldn't think that - but probably would think it was a bit self-indulgent and "look at me", especially if the attendees are all the same people who came last time. They still turned up, regardless if you had to plan it in a rush, and it wasn't quite what you wanted. They still gave up their day and came to support you.

By all means, have a get-together for the immediate friends and family who live locally. But expecting cousins/aunts/uncles/friends etc who live far away... Expect a lot of "Gosh! I'm sooooo sorry! I'm booked in to have my leg amputated that day!!"

As an aside, I tagged along to a friends parents vow renewal when I was about 14 - in a church and everything - it's 25 years later, and they're still happily married. I never learnt the reason for the vow renewal, or if I was told, I've forgotten.

We renewed our wedding vows on what should have been our eldest daughter's 18th birthday - we had her name read out during our vows and acknowledged that it was her 18th birthday and we raised a happy toast to her at the reception as we thought it was a lovely way to remember her and we'd always wanted to renew our vows after a rushed wedding 16 years before - I didn't even realise that people get so sniffy and judgemental about vow renewals.

We did make sure that we had a "no gift" policy because it was a vow renewal, so nobody thought we were grabby and we paid for everything and I donated my wedding dress and other things to the PDSA animal charity afterwards.

We hadn't been having any marital issues before we renewed our vows, didn't expect or want anything from anyone, only invited close family and didn't get into any debt for it and are about to celebrate our Silver Wedding Anniversary later this year.

If you want to do it, do it - don't worry about what others think x

The reality is, no one cares about your vow renewal. It’s between the married couple, that's it. Knock your socks off if you want it, but don’t make it a thing, because it really isn’t. Sorry if I’m being harsh, but your marriage isn’t anyone else’s priority.

I wouldn’t call it a vowel renewal, I’d call it “the wedding we never had”

OP its a free party. People will love it! Noone will think more than that i think.

I think this is about feelings though. If you feel that the moment is gone and there is no point trying to get it back then that's how it will be for you. If someone else feels that they will get happiness from a do over, then that's to do with their feelings which are just as valid.

I’m not sure what the AIBU is for but I voted YANBU if you want to have one because given the circumstances I’d just crack on and get on with it. Life is too short to care what others think anyway. Far better to have a genuine marriage than a sham one and so long and you and your dh are happy that’s all that matters.

my parents had one (religious) and it was lovely.

Girl! this is your day, your shiny time. If you want to wear white then go for it. Those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter. I think those who won't make an effort to attend are not the people you want there. I'd present it as a 'shoulda happened" party. I am guessing that most of the people you invite will have known you long enough to know about the illness that interfered with your wedding plans and will love to celebrate with you properly.

I couldn’t agree with this comment more 👏

That’s very sad, I’m sorry to hear that.

Or as one last celebration when one of the married people is terminally ill, which is what happened in the case of my SIL

I've said upthread that I didn't get the wedding dress I wanted, either, and had a cheap one that I hated and felt so embarrassed by because it didn't fit properly. It's a huge regret, and probably always will be. I messed up. I told myself it wasn't important when it really, really was.

But the thing is, the day has gone. The moment has gone and I can never get it back. I'll never have an exquisite wedding dress. It's a hard thing to accept, but that's the reality. You're not alone in feeling like you were robbed of something special which other women weren't.

I think, honestly, that you're chasing smoke, and you could end up with just more disappointment if the renewal doesn't live up to expectations either.

Well, you do you for a vow renewal, but surely it's more important to ask yourself why you conceive of yourself as a 'service-oriented background' person and why you don't centre yourself on a daily basis?

It's often out of this kind of people-pleasing 'Don't mind me, I'll just sit here in the dark' orientation that the 'Queen for a Day' Bridezilla emerges -- because she's formed the idea that only her wedding legitimates her feeling as though she's genuinely important.

I treat myself as though I'm important every day. I got married in jeans with two witnesses on my lunchbreak. Which is not to say that everyone should do this, obviously, only that, if you feel important on a daily basis, you don't have to squish all that desire for importance into some kind of 'Queen for a Day' fantasy.