Was I mean to dd?

I would do odd dates is one of them and even dates is the other. That’s fair and no argument about who had it yesterday.

Well, I do beg your pardon owlexpress………I seemingly overlooked the part where the OP mentions other children! I don’t claim to be perfect………….

Rock, paper, scissor it

WTF!!

So she was good enough to get ready earlier than anyone else and you punish her for it?

Surely whoever gets ready first should be rewarded.
Just wait a couple more years and see how long they take getting up and ready.

Can your DS do anything wrong?

Stop treating them so unfairly and take in turns.

Need to take turns.
My two were very strict about it. When my eldest bought his first car at 17 and took us out, I naturally sat in the front. The next time we went out and he drove, my youngest insisted on making me sit in the back because it was my turn!

Imagine being so dramatic that you equate what the OP did to ‘hating her daughter’.

You’re the one talking rubbish.

As the youngest of 4, I'm really glad my mum didn't take that approach. Being the youngest doesn't mean they should always come last/never get what they want. What you are suggesting is playing favourites, just by age.

Honestly? Yes, you absolutely were unreasonable. But I get it. Tweens are exhausting, especially with a hefty dose of close-in-age sibling rivalry thrown in. The constant bickering is mind-bogglingly frustrating. It can feel like you are refereeing a never-ending boxing match, while balanced on a rollercoaster, juggling flaming torches. And that’s before you add jobs, marriage and aging parents into the mix.

However, you are the parent here. They are 10 and 11. It’s your job to manage the arguments, help them navigate their wants/needs vs others’ wants/needs, teach them the skills to resolve disputes themselves, or if in the moment their not-yet-developed emotional regulation and negotiation skills aren’t up to the task, to resolve the situation for them.

Reflect on what you hoped to achieve with your behaviour this morning. You knew for a good while before departure that your daughter had worked hard and planned ahead to secure her ‘prize’ and you let her believe she was going to get it, until the moment you facilitated her brother claiming it from her. You knew that would upset her, make her feel manipulated and cheated. Perhaps make her feel unloved and unsupported by you. Make her angry and disappointed. Make her brother think he’s more deserving, more loved?

I suspect you wanted to ‘teach her a lesson’? Maybe get her back for the stress her behaviour has been causing you and her brother? Did it make you feel good? I suspect it did, for maybe a second. And now you don’t feel so good. And the lessons your taught your DD (and DS) this morning aren’t actually the ones you want them to learn (and repeat on you, each other, their friends going forwards)?

This parenting business is HARD. And don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely throwing stones from inside a glass house here - it’s amazing the clarity and insight you can have when it’s other people in the situation and not you. Goodness knows I’ve reacted with emotion rather than calm-headed reason enough times.

The silver lining is you now have a great opportunity to model to your kids how you would want them to behave when they have made a mistake. Sit them down this evening and apologise. Explain how hard you find their bickering and what impact it has on family life. Tell them you love them both equally and you want to agree a way forwards together. Invite them to suggest solutions to the ‘who gets the front seat’ question: do they alternate, do they have set days of the week, get them to discuss and agree a plan, and then support them to implement it.

And have a hug from me!

It was a little mean, but I'd say justified. She needs to learn that you're the parent, and who sits in the front and when is not her decision.

If I was you I'd have a chat with her away from other DC, say there will be a rota for the front seat but any gloating or moaning etc will result in her (or whoever does the gloating/moaning) getting less front seat time. If she can't agree to that then she doesn't get the front seat at all.

And just strap the younger kids to the roof, or..?

No, you weren’t particularly mean but if you had made them both sit in the back every time you wouldn’t be facing this battle now would you? DD needs to stop acting like a spoiled brat and learn to ‘share’ in life…….being older does not make her more privileged.

I would have done the same as you , why should a petty , rude child win ?
But time to introduce a rota system , or perhaps points system with points awarded for helpful good behaviour and taken away for rude , petty or mean behaviour

Imagine sitting by whilst one child deliberately gloats over another?
Addressing unpleasant behaviour is far from hatred.

I thought the same!!

I think I probably would say I was sorry for her wasted effort in rushing and say I was wrong to react that way to feeling so irritated by the silly arguing but explain her attitude towards the front seat/being the oldest etc is becoming unpleasant, then say to both that, moving forward, they will be taking turns, no arguments or fuss.

Funnily enough I was only talking to my husband about this the other day, it was so important growing up, getting that front seat! My mum used to have a hell of a job on her hands, loads of kids, three rows of seats, and a turn taking system for both the front seat ‘best spot’ and back row ‘worst spots’. God knows how she kept up with it but it did keep those particular bickers to a minimum.

Hahahahahah!! @idontknowhowto That's really made me laugh. Perhaps it was a teeny bit mean but it's still funny. You're only human as well as being mum. I would let your DD have the front seat because she older but warn her that if she gloats about it then she will relinquish the privilege to her brother.

Oh diddums

I have an 11 and a 10 year old. They take it in turns.

My two take turns. Week by week. No moaning. If your dd moans when it’s not her turn, she stays in the back either until she can take her turn or not

Don't be ridiculous. It's clearly been a loving mother acting out of frustration over a daft thing that both kids have been nipping her ear about for ages. Absolutely no harm done and I find it quite offensive that you've drawn that conclusion, as someone whose mother did quite often do truly hurtful things when I was that age.

I don’t think you were mean. Sitting in the car for 30 minutes is utterly bizarre just to get the front seat. Presume she was on her phone the whole time?

Just saw your update that was mean. Apology and a rota going forward. Ignore any sulking natural for her to be annoyed and it will soon pass.

Imagine hating your child so much you ignore the fact the got themselves up and dressed and in the car in good time just to drive another car that you hate driving. Thats shocking. The daughter must be learning petty silly behaviour from her mother.

Where do they sit when older DSC is in the front if there isn't room for both in the back?

I would go with sitting them both in the back for a while as a reset (assuming it is possible and this is where they sit when DSC is also travelling, it's just a bit of a squish), then introduce turn taking once they've understood it's an earned privilege. If for whatever reason a DC can't have their turn because a third person has the seat, they get it the following day/journey. I would be clear that any more bickering/headaches for me would result in that child sitting in the back permanently.