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AIBU?

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Nanny bringing boyfriend round for babysitting

159 replies

Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:31

What would you do?

My 7yr olds twins have a nanny three days a week. No issues with her at all. She is hardworking, respectful and great with the kids. Outside of her usual hours, she will be ‘babysitting’ on Saturday night from 6 til 11/midnight ish. We are just out locally, 10 mins walk away.

When I parted with her this week, she was roundabout hinting if her boyfriend could join her. I didn’t enter into discussing it properly or answering as I wanted to think about it and ask DH what he thought first.

The twins have met him before once, during a summer holiday day when she took the twins to where she was staying with him for a few days (a farm type place that had lots of nice things to do with kids). No issues, but we haven’t met him personally. However it might be a good opportunity to meet him in person if he is going to be around the twins ever, even if infrequently.

My DH isn’t comfortable with it, but says he might be overthinking. He can be a very protective and anxious dad, which I appreciate, but can wrap them in cotton wool a bit more than I do.

YANBU - you haven’t met him and it’s at the twins home during night time hours. He could be a weirdo.
YABU - they are 7yrs old, it’s fine and it would be a good opportunity for DH and me to meet him. You’re overthinking it.

One of the twins is also very nervous at being left. We don’t go out often at all. So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company? They are asleep by 8-8:30 usually. My DH is more comfortable with this idea.

I fear the answers may be skewed due to the hive mind on men around here, so well-balanced answers would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
silkypyjamas · 04/07/2025 10:22

Presumably you would vet and do DBS checks etc. on your nanny so why would you just say yes to a stranger to keep her company while she is working and do no checks on them? I would be very cautious here. Maybe meet him but predators can be charming too!

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/07/2025 10:18

No.

It doesn't matter that she may be sitting on the sofa for 5 hours, bored, watching TV - that is what she is being paid for. As the children are asleep and don't ' need ' her.
She is not being paid to have friends round - male or female to keep her company.

Nannies know that evening babysitting is often part of the job, especially if they are live in Nannies.

Babysitting is not an opportunity for a nannies social life, it is work.

If it were a female friend that is also a Nanny, and I knew her and the family she works for, then I would be fine with that, tho it goes without saying - no alcohol to be consumed.

levampire · 04/07/2025 10:18

Nope.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 10:18

Didimum · 04/07/2025 10:06

The meeting and hating him is, I think, the most likely risk there. I think the others are quite overblown. But then there’s people like me and people like my DH, so it’s always an individual attitude of course.

It's not overblown. Have a look at the statistics on how many children are sexually abused in the UK.
1 in 20. I was one of them.

I can't think of one way how it benefits your kids to allow this stranger access to them, the nannys dating life is her own concern, outside of employment.

tripleginandtonic · 04/07/2025 10:12

If she's in charge and you trust her, having a boyfriend round shouldn't be an issue .

SunShow · 04/07/2025 10:07

Isthisnormal10000 · 04/07/2025 10:03

What if you met him and actually hated him.
What if yoy met him and he was charming but masking his true self.
Is he dbs checked like your nanny would be, is he insured. What if he broke something in your home, for example tripped and smashed the tv or an expensive glass. What if something went missing?
What if you were burgled, would you suspect him or his friends? What if he for example accidently brushed past yoyr child on the stair and knocked them over, and the child was injured, what would you do.
Too many what if's.
You have a contract with the nanny but not with him.

Blimey, that's a list of reasons never to invite anyone into your home.

Didimum · 04/07/2025 10:06

Isthisnormal10000 · 04/07/2025 10:03

What if you met him and actually hated him.
What if yoy met him and he was charming but masking his true self.
Is he dbs checked like your nanny would be, is he insured. What if he broke something in your home, for example tripped and smashed the tv or an expensive glass. What if something went missing?
What if you were burgled, would you suspect him or his friends? What if he for example accidently brushed past yoyr child on the stair and knocked them over, and the child was injured, what would you do.
Too many what if's.
You have a contract with the nanny but not with him.

The meeting and hating him is, I think, the most likely risk there. I think the others are quite overblown. But then there’s people like me and people like my DH, so it’s always an individual attitude of course.

OP posts:
Isthisnormal10000 · 04/07/2025 10:03

What if you met him and actually hated him.
What if yoy met him and he was charming but masking his true self.
Is he dbs checked like your nanny would be, is he insured. What if he broke something in your home, for example tripped and smashed the tv or an expensive glass. What if something went missing?
What if you were burgled, would you suspect him or his friends? What if he for example accidently brushed past yoyr child on the stair and knocked them over, and the child was injured, what would you do.
Too many what if's.
You have a contract with the nanny but not with him.

grumpygrape · 04/07/2025 10:02

If he's staying with her anyway all that's happening is he's going to sit on the settee with her watching TV rather than her sit at yours on her own and him sit at hers on his own. They don't sound like a couple who are going to have wild rampant sex and ignore your children if they do happen to wake.

SunShow · 04/07/2025 10:00

I think if you trust her to keep DC safe, you trust her to keep them safe. They could come across "weirdos" wherever she takes them.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 09:58

Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:55

I don’t think you really have this mindset in your 20s when you don’t have children. My DH definitely didn’t, as he would accompany me in babysitting during our dating days, but he obviously has a different mindset now.

The childcare professional should have that mindset and have such basic safeguarding as her priority.

Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:56

lighthouseahoy · 04/07/2025 09:47

Its not a good night out, but then she is not having a great Saturday night and maybe he feels better keeping her company rather than going out without her.

I'd wonder what the risk is if the OP says no, that the nanny would rather spend Saturday nights with her boyfriend and going out. And whether they would find it easy to find another babysitter they like and trust to pick up the work instead.

I think they should say he is welcome to come round after the kids have gone to bed and not before.

I tend to be a bit more laid back with these things, but I’m not sure these are good enough reasons to say yes.

I think it’s more about the art of weighing the risk with anything in life.

OP posts:
WitchesofPainswick · 04/07/2025 09:55

Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:51

They haven’t been on holiday with him. They met him once during a day out, for about 15 minutes.

Ah, sorry, I misread your OP. I thought it was the children that stayed with him for a few days.

I agree with you - it might be a good opportunity to meet him. She's sounds great, and you trust her, so why not? It'll make her evening nicer.

Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:55

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 09:42

If he had any basic common sense he wouldn't even let it be an option, he would tell his girlfriend it's completely inappropriate for him to go into a strangers house just to facilitate his love life.

I'd wonder about the critical thinking skills of the nanny, too.
The biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male.

I don’t think you really have this mindset in your 20s when you don’t have children. My DH definitely didn’t, as he would accompany me in babysitting during our dating days, but he obviously has a different mindset now.

OP posts:
Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:51

WitchesofPainswick · 04/07/2025 09:49

If the twins have already effectively been on holiday with this chap, I don't see the problem at all.

They haven’t been on holiday with him. They met him once during a day out, for about 15 minutes.

OP posts:
WitchesofPainswick · 04/07/2025 09:49

If the twins have already effectively been on holiday with this chap, I don't see the problem at all.

Timetodownsize · 04/07/2025 09:49

I think it would be ok to say he could come but that you'd like to meet him beforehand

lighthouseahoy · 04/07/2025 09:47

Agix · 04/07/2025 09:40

There's a reason you DH is anxious about a strange man you don't know being around your kids without you there.

The "hivemind" on men is there for a reason. Even men are wary of other men, and it's for a reason (like your DH) - and they know better than we do about other men.

Not all men, I'm sure he's fine blah blah, but how can you know.

Why does he even want to accompany on a babysitting job anyway... Weird. Back in the day, teens would do it because the guys were hoping to screw on the sofa, and it was one of the only chances they'd get. Is that what he wants to do? Doubt it.. So why? It's not a good night out.

Its not a good night out, but then she is not having a great Saturday night and maybe he feels better keeping her company rather than going out without her.

I'd wonder what the risk is if the OP says no, that the nanny would rather spend Saturday nights with her boyfriend and going out. And whether they would find it easy to find another babysitter they like and trust to pick up the work instead.

I think they should say he is welcome to come round after the kids have gone to bed and not before.

Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:46

Agix · 04/07/2025 09:40

There's a reason you DH is anxious about a strange man you don't know being around your kids without you there.

The "hivemind" on men is there for a reason. Even men are wary of other men, and it's for a reason (like your DH) - and they know better than we do about other men.

Not all men, I'm sure he's fine blah blah, but how can you know.

Why does he even want to accompany on a babysitting job anyway... Weird. Back in the day, teens would do it because the guys were hoping to screw on the sofa, and it was one of the only chances they'd get. Is that what he wants to do? Doubt it.. So why? It's not a good night out.

I know why the hive mind in there - I am an adult woman who exist in the world.

It’s not uncommon at all for babysitters who you know causally and not through employment to want to bring evening company when you’re sitting on the sofa alone for 4hrs. I don’t think it’s strange.

They do not live together and he is staying with her for a few weeks as he works away. They are not teenagers, they are both mid-20. I babysat a lot in my mid-20s and my boyfriend would accompany me (difference is the parents had met him). We absolutely never ever got handsy on the sofa. We never even kissed. It was to watch a film during the 4+ hrs I was there.

OP posts:
VirginaGirl · 04/07/2025 09:46

I assume they'd just be at home watching TV or whatever? I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Ellie1015 · 04/07/2025 09:46

I would be fine with him coming round after kids asleep at 8.30. Seems like a good compromise. I would be ok because it is a nanny who works with us for her main job so less likely to take advantage of the situation and more importantly if nanny is trustworthy which presume she is.

Would not be comfortable if more casual arrangement like friends/neighbours older kid bringing their boyfriend round if they were babysitting.

Howareyoufeelingtoday · 04/07/2025 09:43

If you are paying her to babysit your children she should be 100% focused on your children. How can she do that when she is distracted by whatever her and her boyfriend are doing to entertain themselves?
She obviously doesn't take the responsibility of looking after your children seriously.

I would really worry about my children's welfare and safety If you allow her to bring her boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter , into your home whilst neither you nor your H are there.

NotrialNodeal · 04/07/2025 09:43

Your *

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 09:42

If he had any basic common sense he wouldn't even let it be an option, he would tell his girlfriend it's completely inappropriate for him to go into a strangers house just to facilitate his love life.

I'd wonder about the critical thinking skills of the nanny, too.
The biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male.

NotrialNodeal · 04/07/2025 09:42

Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:40

I think it’s different when you are sitting on the sofa doing nothing for four hours. The twins have not woken up at night since they’ve been about 3yrs old.

You're kids you're rules. But from a safeguarding point of view I don't take risks with my children.

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