Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny bringing boyfriend round for babysitting

159 replies

Didimum · 04/07/2025 09:31

What would you do?

My 7yr olds twins have a nanny three days a week. No issues with her at all. She is hardworking, respectful and great with the kids. Outside of her usual hours, she will be ‘babysitting’ on Saturday night from 6 til 11/midnight ish. We are just out locally, 10 mins walk away.

When I parted with her this week, she was roundabout hinting if her boyfriend could join her. I didn’t enter into discussing it properly or answering as I wanted to think about it and ask DH what he thought first.

The twins have met him before once, during a summer holiday day when she took the twins to where she was staying with him for a few days (a farm type place that had lots of nice things to do with kids). No issues, but we haven’t met him personally. However it might be a good opportunity to meet him in person if he is going to be around the twins ever, even if infrequently.

My DH isn’t comfortable with it, but says he might be overthinking. He can be a very protective and anxious dad, which I appreciate, but can wrap them in cotton wool a bit more than I do.

YANBU - you haven’t met him and it’s at the twins home during night time hours. He could be a weirdo.
YABU - they are 7yrs old, it’s fine and it would be a good opportunity for DH and me to meet him. You’re overthinking it.

One of the twins is also very nervous at being left. We don’t go out often at all. So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company? They are asleep by 8-8:30 usually. My DH is more comfortable with this idea.

I fear the answers may be skewed due to the hive mind on men around here, so well-balanced answers would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/07/2025 13:05

Your DH is right.

Dozer · 04/07/2025 13:04

He IS a stranger to you, DH and your DC. You’re assuming that because your nanny is nice and capable in her job that she can make good judgments about her romantic relationship and safeguarding the DC. That’s naive.

The likelihood of problems with him affecting your DC may be low, but if it happened the impact would be high, and it’s an easily avoidable risk. If she’d rather see her boyfriend than accept the extra work she can turn it down.

silkypyjamas · 04/07/2025 13:03

Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:45

Classic. No need to get involved if you can’t see the point.

Show quote history

OK, i'm out good luck OP

Ricecakesaremyjam · 04/07/2025 13:02

It sounds like you are ok with it, and ultimately it’s your house, your kids and your choice.

I don’t understand why you have asked for the opinions of others if you are going to be defensive when other’s opinions differ.

maw1681 · 04/07/2025 12:59

Absolutely no chance in hell I would allow this. Even when you have met him a few times , still no.

neverbeenskiing · 04/07/2025 12:59

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/07/2025 12:32

You trust her to put your DC first.
She's probably anxious alone at night.
I understand that you are concerned, I would allow it personally as the children met him before too.
Ask the girls for their thoughts.

Anxious alone at night? She's an adult. You do realise some women live alone?

BlushingBrightly · 04/07/2025 12:53

I can't see where the 'poor babysitter, sitting on her own all evening' angle comes from. It doesn't apply to other jobs. Would a bloke working nights as a security guard be allowed to have his girlfriend sit with him to keep him company if he wanted?

Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:53

FlamingoFloss · 04/07/2025 12:02

But you were happy for her to take them to the place where she was staying with him and you hadn’t met him at that point. So what’s different now? You trust her with your children and you know she would keep them safe.

I didn’t know he was there, but it’s immaterial as he was working at the time and said hello for 15 minutes on his break while they were playing outside. There were a lot of guests there as it’s a farm with holiday accommodation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:50

Xyloplane · 04/07/2025 12:29

It sounds like you would benefit from some safeguarding training OP. You seem to have a very blasé attitude to having strange men unsupervised in your home in your absence.

I don’t class someone my well-known and trusted nanny has been in a relationship with for several years as a ‘strange man’. I also don’t regard investigating the issue ‘blasé’ – I have responded on here to posters who I don’t think are pointing out good reasons.

I don’t require safeguarding training, but thank you for the suggestion.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/07/2025 12:49

you said ‘she is a decent person, who the family is close to, it’s a boring job, a Saturday night and she doesn’t see her boyfriend as frequently as others get to’

Not good reasons for her bf to join her at work. Especially when her work is looking after DC.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/07/2025 12:47

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 12:44

So she spends every Saturday night babysitting your children so you can go out with your DH?

What about her Saturday night with her bf? Maybe stay in or find alternative child care because that is to big and ask

Edited

Who said she spends every Saturday night? It is an extra shift.
OP doesn't go out regularly.

Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:47

Ricecakesaremyjam · 04/07/2025 12:25

No wouldn’t be comfortable with this and think it’s unprofessional of her to ask. They aren’t teenagers having snatched moments together, she can see him every other night of the week.

No, she doesn’t get to see him very often as he works away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:46

Dozer · 04/07/2025 12:44

None of those are good reasons to agree to her request.

I don’t know what ‘reasons’ you’re referring to here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:45

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 12:44

So she spends every Saturday night babysitting your children so you can go out with your DH?

What about her Saturday night with her bf? Maybe stay in or find alternative child care because that is to big and ask

Edited

No, she doesn’t. I haven’t said that anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:45

silkypyjamas · 04/07/2025 12:15

It clearly sits well with you so I’m not sure why you’re asking opinions tbh.

Show quote history

Classic. No need to get involved if you can’t see the point.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/07/2025 12:44

None of those are good reasons to agree to her request.

Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:44

onehorserace · 04/07/2025 12:30

I agree that's it about weighing risk in life BUT there is no way I would want to expose my children to risk like this when it is not necessary.

Show quote history

What’s ’risk like this’ and how can it be quantified if my question.

OP posts:
InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 12:44

So she spends every Saturday night babysitting your children so you can go out with your DH?

What about her Saturday night with her bf? Maybe stay in or find alternative child care because that is to big and ask

Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:43

InfoSecInTheCity · 04/07/2025 12:41

From your OP it looks like your twins spent a few days with him when they went to the farm where your nanny was staying with him. I would have been more concerned about that then him being in your house for a few hours while she babysits.

edit - sorry just seen your post from 11:43, they just went for a few hours that day.

Edited

No, that didn’t happen. It was a brief meeting on a day trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
Didimum · 04/07/2025 12:42

StiffAsAVicar · 04/07/2025 11:46

So I was perhaps thinking he could come once they are in bed to keep her company?

For godsake, why does she need to be 'kept company'.... she's at work?! What other job would you ask your employer if your partner could come and sit with you to keep you company? Utterly unprofessional.

No, I would not let an unvetted man (or even a vetted man - sorry) in a house with my 7 year old girls.

I can see very, very little need for you to react so strongly and speak to me so poorly. I’m not interested in having any type of conversation with someone so disregulated.

Nowhere do I say she ‘needs’ company. But she is a decent person, who the family is close to, it’s a boring job, a Saturday night and she doesn’t see her boyfriend as frequently as others get to.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/07/2025 12:41

At age 16 and now I find it wet and cringey when people want the person they’re dating to join them while they do paid work.

Accepting the work is optional.

InfoSecInTheCity · 04/07/2025 12:41

From your OP it looks like your twins spent a few days with him when they went to the farm where your nanny was staying with him. I would have been more concerned about that then him being in your house for a few hours while she babysits.

edit - sorry just seen your post from 11:43, they just went for a few hours that day.

EastEndQueen · 04/07/2025 12:35

I have said yes to this in one particular circumstance with a Nanny we had full time for over 3 years when the children were very small who has now become a family friend. We go to each other’s big birthdays, my children are involved in her wedding next year. I have known her for 8 years now and trust her judgment implicitly. She still sometimes (paid of course) babysits for odd evenings for my primary school age DC and has on occasion asked if her fiancée can join for a film and takeout after the children have gone to sleep. It’s absolutely fine.

I wouldn’t have said yes without the many many years of getting to know her and the extremely high esteem I hold her in. My old au pair was so robust on this kind of thing that her boyfriend wasn’t even allowed to know our address. Which may be overkill but tbh I appreciated the consideration on her part.

Say no if you aren’t comfortable. At the end of the day, it’s paid work not a favour

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/07/2025 12:32

You trust her to put your DC first.
She's probably anxious alone at night.
I understand that you are concerned, I would allow it personally as the children met him before too.
Ask the girls for their thoughts.

NoelFaraday · 04/07/2025 12:30

Absolutely not. Not because he’s a man and could be a pedo, but because it is completely unprofessional.

Swipe left for the next trending thread