Husband wants to back into contact with toxic family

If you were a man demanding his wife cut contact with her family because of reasons including someone taking a photo at your wedding I think the answers would be different.

Paging @Attilathemeerkat!

Ah op I'm sorry, that's a serious betrayal.

It's a hard one because on one hand, your dh is also a victim in this, he's being manipulated by his family and having grown up in that toxic environment it is going to be very hard for him to break completely free of that. Im wondering if the stress of lying to you and the pressure he's taken from his family while keeping such a big secret has actually contributed to his break down since it came so out of the blue. He's in an abusive relationship with his mother and siblings and by keeping this secret he's completely isolated himself with it.

At the same time, he's also putting you in an impossible position- his brother has threatened to kill him and by extension harm your family. That's too serious to ignore and it is his job to step up and protect you all from this. The problem really is that he's maybe tried to do this by not talking to you about it while still sitting on the fence and he can't do that. He also cannot lie and secret keep like that from you as his wife. That's a major breach in trust that he's created. I think it would be very understandable if you couldn't move past this, especially after how he treated you while pregnant.

If it were me, I'd only consider continuing the relationship if he agreed to marriage and independent counselling and make that a non negotiable. He needs space to understand that this relationship is abusive, to see the real impact of it on himself compared to what a normal family dynamic looks like, and the impact its having on his wife and your children. Cutting contact with your family is a big step and it's going to carry more guilt and weight for him because its his family, so he needs to be ready on a personal level to actually follow through and be consistent with that. I'm thinking consistent therapy (longer than 6-8 weeks) might help him actually understand the severity of what he's done and how abnormal his family is. When you grow up in it, you don't see it because to you it is normal.

Honestly, I personally would be putting everything into trying to trying to get him to see sense and try to reach a compromise, purely because i wouldn't want my kids being in contact with his side of the family without you there, when he's clearly not in a position to protect them from these people. But you know your limits on this and its also very important for them to have a healthy, happy mummy.

He's really fucked up here and he needs to understand he's jeopardising his family and his kids security in life to maintain contact with people who are abusing him.

He wants to be in contact with his family but scared of you?

Not ok that he lied.

But there seems to be many underlying issues here. Whose decision or lever was it for him to cut off contact? They may be toxic but they are his family and he may have happy memories with them.
And them taking photographs (probably a few) may be upsetting but surely a non issue especially 5 years on. Surely there are better more urgent things to keep you annoyed?

In any case it feels like you two need counselling or need to break up. Sorry op.

I’m so sorry, OP. You’re living my worst nightmare.

To some extent, it doesn’t matter what he’s been saying to them or that he’s been deceiving you. He wants to do something that to you is the worst thing ever. You can’t stop him and if you throw down the ultimatum, you play right into their hands AND have no guarantee that eg if he picks you, he’ll stick to it.

As a PP said, the only thing you control are your boundaries. It’ll be shit that if you divorce he can bring your kids to his family during his time, but you know him best: is he actually going to get off his arse and facilitate this?

Figure out what you can live with, being selfish and thinking solely about yourself and your children.

HE can have contact with that (and you wait until he’s burned again or they corrupt him and your marriage over time), but you don’t have to and neither do your children.

Realistically,he's been talking shit about you while he was living there. He's been lying and having a secret relationship with his mum out of your ear shot for a reason. He's already been spouting the narrative that you are the problem, and she's been lapping it up.

He is going to have a relationship with his family. You can't stop that. He's an adult and can choose for him self. You need to decide if you're prepared to stick around and watch it unfold. You also need to put in place boundaries. He can do what he likes but that doesn't mean you want them in your house or around your kids.

It's hard because if you separate he will decide who has contact with the children during his contact time. I'd be inclined to try and hang in there so your kids get a bit older, are able to talk and a bit more independent. But, this isn't a relationship I'd be prepared to stay in.

I'm sorry OP but you are married to a liar. As far as I'm concerned that means he will lie about anything and everything because that's what liars do. You can't have an open and trusting and worthwhile relationship with a liar.

And know he has lied to you about something really important to you by continuing contact with his family and saying he hasn't.

I honestly don't see how your marriage can recover from the deceit.