Husband wants to back into contact with toxic family

They have obviously reacted poorly and made a few mistakes or broke your rules but you are being very controlling. You husband has a right to a relationship with his family if that’s what he wants you are making a massive issue over little thing’s and trying to control everything. He has a right to a private conversation with his mum without you reading the messages. You would be my worst nightmare as a daughter in law. The kids also have a right to know there family members and where they came from as long as they are safe you shouldn’t be preventing the relationship between the grandparents. Unless there is some big drip feed it sounds toxic but not from there side.

@FunOchreTurtle I cut off contact with my Mum because she was disrespecting my wife and going behind my back with my kids, especially putting words in the ear of my eldest.

My DW was a great mirror and a witness to these behaviours and, on reflection, often the hardest thing for her was simply being patient and listening.

It took a really extreme situation for me to go fully no contact. She took my eldest and went behind my back to my ex (long story), because I wanted to be with my kids when they visited.

In retrospect it was inevitable, only a question of how much damage I would allow. And because it was not just me, it was my wife and kids, I had to end it.

The most powerful book I read that helped me along the way was Narcissistic Mothers and Covert…
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/173144527X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It's nearly impossible to explain to people who haven't been through it, why you need to go no contact. The book might help give you the language like it did me. More importantly only your Husband can decide. All you can do is be a witness and establish boundaries. Boundaries are actions you take. Not passive things happening to third parties. So removing yourself from situations etc...

His relationship with them is none of your business stop being controlling

She also shouldn't be dishing out ultimatums or them.
In a healthy relationship he should be able to visit his family with his children and op not be involved

Controlling much .
What gives you the right to dictate how he contacta his mum and the children are a joint decision not just yours .
Sorry op you seem to be quite toxic yourself here .

It's hard to give you realistic advice without knowing the other side .
If he wants co tact it suggests he may feel from his perspective that you are not entitled blameless .
I'm not saying that's true but I think you have w to ask yourself why he wants contact with them .
If you remain Adament it's all them and they are the issue then this isnt going to work your relationship will fester and be based on resentment .
How would you feel is he asked you to go no co tact with your family in the same circumstances.
These are questions only you can answer honestly .

Run

Hmmm, I think trying to influence a partner to cut off their parent could definitely be described as toxic. Not in all circumstances eg if they are abusive but your example of the wedding pictures is irritating rather than toxic imo.

Only you know the whole situation but it might be worth trying to look at it dispassionately and taking a step back first.

Ahhh…this is the thread the other posters were talking about. I’m honestly still struggling to see how your MIL is ‘toxic’. Toxic means abusive…she sounds like a CF and a complete PITA but not abusive towards her son, you or your children.

Give your head a wobble, @FunOchreTurtle. You can set your boundaries, make them clear and uphold them…but you can’t force your DH to either have the same red lines in his relationships or to go NC with a family that he clearly still loves and wants to be with. As long as he stands up for you if they step out of line, that’s enough. Telling him that texting might be ok at a push is frankly bananas. You have no right.

You’ve come across as a bit judgemental and controlling tbh - and if you were hoping to get a different reaction on the new thread with a fresh crowd, I think you’ve been disabused of that.

Have an actual conversation with him, in couples counselling if necessary, where you keep your opinions to yourself and find out how he really feels about the whole situation. Whether he feels safe enough to open up honestly with you, on the other hand, remains to be seen.

His contact with them is none of your business no matter how you justify it is controlling, you can have any opinion you want on it just stop controlling him and doing some weird guilt trip thing

Or he's scared to tell her he's seeing them because he knows there will be hell to pay if he disobeys her and he'll have to listen to her talk all kinds of smack about them?

We don't know the truth either way. We only know that the man wants a relatiobnship with his family and he's scared to admit it to his wife.

You don't get to dictate who he does and doesn't have contact with or how that contact takes place. They are his family. Unfortunately, you also don't get to dictate who has contact with the children. They are both of your children. They don't just belong to you. If you separate on his days he can do what he wants with whomever he wants.

Personally, I say .....

I understand that you want contact with your family and that's your perogative. I don't like the lies. I don't want for our trust or our relationship to be impacted. I don't expect you to lie to me about things or keep secrets. I was very hurt by your family and for my peace I don't want to have a relationship with them. I don't want the kids to have a relationship with them and I don't want them in our house.

Then see where you go from there. I think your relationship will be impacted. However, I'd keep the peace as much as possible. Your kids are little. I'd want to grow them until the are able to talk, toilet and a bit more independent. As I said if you separate you won't be able to be a buffer between his family.

I am NC with my in laws and SIL for very good reasons. DP and I do not have any children together but we do have children separately so he still stays in minimal contact with his family for his child.

It can be hard as often they continue to show their awful ways to him but other times he seems to forget what they are like.

I have had to accept that they are his and his child’s family.

I absolutely draw the line at any contact with them and he does chose to not attend family parties, Christmas etc without me to maintain that he is on my side and to let them know that he supports me in what happened. But will see them occasionally (couple of days before Christmas, Father’s Day etc) because they are his family and he feels a duty to do so.

it’s shit though! I do feel you. I am sure he doesn’t always tell me what his family have said etc when he visits to protect me, it’s been 2 years now and it’s ok

If he did have contact with his mum I’d say text only. No more secretive phone calls. But also I am staying no contact, and also the kids too.

Ok, I understand why you are hurting and I do agree they sound toxic

But I think your DH has lied to you (not saying he’s right) because he knows you will control his contact with them. “If he did have contact with his mum I’d say text only” I don’t know,

It sounds like he is in the middle and both sides are controlling (sorry)

If you can’t deal with your husband having his family in his life and you feel like it affects you mentally then you are absolutely within your rights to end the marriage, but don’t make him choose

Your marriage is unstable and you need to be making exit plans. Your husband has lied to you long term, he has mental health issues, and there has been a death threat.

Instead of facilitating your relationship with his family, which was his job, he talked shit to them about you and your family. He poisoned the well.

You can only control yourself. You can be no contact. If you try to make demands of your husband to do the same, he's going to lie to you.

Go no contact yourself. Get a couple lawyer consults to see what separation or divorce would look like for you. Get copies of all financials. Play your cards close though. Are you planning to return to work after your maternity leave?

You dont have too but he is an adult and responsible for himself you are trying to be controlling i wouldn't put up with it no matter how much it's justified

Woman can be just as controlling

I love how everyone is focusing on the photos and ignoring the death threats from the brother...

OP you are mixing up two separate issues.

Firstly you can be no contact with his family, but you can't force him to do the same. That means you need to think about the fact he essentially doesn't care about how they've treated you.

Then there's the lies and deceit. He's been in contact with them in secret and more than likely talking all kinds of smack about you, to them.

Neither of these look good on him and your relationship.

I agree with this. It sounds a bit shit and I can see how a load of little things adds up to a lot, but nothing here is giving me massive red flags. I wouldn’t want to spend masses of time with them but going NC seems extreme. How many of these decisions were made by you and agreed to by him? What led to his breakdown? Lying to you is not ok but maybe it was his least worst option.

if this was reversed and a man wanted to stop his wife seeing her family we would probably think it was potentially abusive and he was trying to isolate her.

I'm not saying that is the case here and I'm not saying the OP should forgive and forget their behaviour. If the OP wants to remain NC she definitely should do that but I don't think it's reasonable for her to expect her partner to do the same. This is his mum and his family and if he wants to contact them he should be able to do that openly.

You said you have only told us a few of their toxic behaviours, however, saying you were fat and that's why she knew you were pregnant and taking photos in a church, is not enough reason to cut off his family completely. I assume you also told us their worst behaviours for this thread.

That is his family, no wonder he had a breakdown, he must be under incredible pressure.
I would have set strict boundaries but still continued to see them, or if not me, my husband and children.
I think if you don't work together on this issue and understand this is his family, his past links, its the end of your marriage.

You may also want to post this in the Relationships forum.

I would now plan your exit from this marriage. The trust is now gone and he with it. You cannot trust a liar and he’s lied basically to get out of trouble. He is still very much enmeshed with his parents and seems unable to be without them.

He is enmeshed with them and is also mired in fear, obligation and guilt. Familial enmeshment like this indeed does wreck family life.

And what MauricetheMussel wrote too.

(hi mussel)

Can you trust him, after leaving you while pregnant,and then lying to you since?

I'd start planning my exit