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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stop talking about infidelity.

86 replies

PlainJaneBrain · 04/07/2025 08:23

Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago).

We've remained really close, in fact so much so it gets in the way of either of us really seeing or dating anyone else. I would love the thought of us getting back together, except there literally isn't a day goes by that he doesn't mention my infidelity one way or another, sometimes emotionally, sometimes just in passing or in a matter of fact way. I know he's obviously thinking about it a lot, but it's utterly draining.

AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 04/07/2025 10:31

This is a consequence of your utterly selfish actions it doesn’t matter if it was 20 years ago your an obvious failure in that you couldn’t keep your legs shut 20 years ago and failure at get forgiveness. Tou obviously think he should be over it - you don’t get to decide when/how he gets over your affair. Your still acting entitled so no growth the re from you ! Have you worked on yourself and your obviously massive ego. What an entitled individual you are being - has this ever occurrd to you it’s not about you it’s about him and his feelings

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 10:27

TippledPink · 04/07/2025 10:15

Well it was if it hurt someone and they regret it! It wasn't an accident was it!

Show quote history

A mistake is, as someone pointed out, socks in the wrong colour wash.
Putting the remote control by the bathroom sink.

Adultery is a conscious, deliberate series of choices, over weeks or months or years, to traumatise a spouse and indulge in lying, STD risks and gaslighting. Very much not a mistake, but an active choice.

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 10:26

Op needs to clarify

it could be he only found out in 2023 and that’s why they split up. Everyone saying he’s been dragging this up for 20 years should wait and see what op says…

mynannygoat7 · 04/07/2025 10:24

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

Show quote history

Ok chat gpt

Swiftie1878 · 04/07/2025 10:22

PlainJaneBrain · 04/07/2025 08:23

Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago).

We've remained really close, in fact so much so it gets in the way of either of us really seeing or dating anyone else. I would love the thought of us getting back together, except there literally isn't a day goes by that he doesn't mention my infidelity one way or another, sometimes emotionally, sometimes just in passing or in a matter of fact way. I know he's obviously thinking about it a lot, but it's utterly draining.

AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?

You can’t control what he does and how he thinks.
It’s up to YOU to let go of him and move on.
Start to distance yourself from him. Time to focus on your future, not hanker after a past that no longer exists.

Brenda34 · 04/07/2025 10:21

You both need ro move on.
Do you live in separate homes?

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2025 10:19

BeachPossum · 04/07/2025 10:19

I think you have to try and put some distance between you. I'm not justifying infidelity but if he's holding on to it twenty years later to the point where he's mentioning it daily even after you've broken up, it's not something he's ever going to move past. I suspect he doesn't want to - likely he feels it gives him back some element of control or power to be able to overtly hold it over your head.

I think in your shoes I would cool things off and only speak as is necessary for issues relating to the children. If he asks why you can explain that for both your sakes you need to move on, and that you're giving him the chance to really leave the affair behind and find happiness with someone new.

I agree with every word of this

3luckystars · 04/07/2025 10:19

Agix · 04/07/2025 09:11

The axe forgets, the tree remembers.

That’s really sad.

BeachPossum · 04/07/2025 10:19

I think you have to try and put some distance between you. I'm not justifying infidelity but if he's holding on to it twenty years later to the point where he's mentioning it daily even after you've broken up, it's not something he's ever going to move past. I suspect he doesn't want to - likely he feels it gives him back some element of control or power to be able to overtly hold it over your head.

I think in your shoes I would cool things off and only speak as is necessary for issues relating to the children. If he asks why you can explain that for both your sakes you need to move on, and that you're giving him the chance to really leave the affair behind and find happiness with someone new.

TheignT · 04/07/2025 10:18

I haven't read the full thread but I think I'd tell him I'd have got a shorter sentence for murder and either he moves on by stopping going on about it or by clearing off.

TippledPink · 04/07/2025 10:15

KimberleyClark · 04/07/2025 08:43

Cheating isn’t a “mistake”.

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Well it was if it hurt someone and they regret it! It wasn't an accident was it!

HiRen · 04/07/2025 10:15

Just let him go. Maybe he’s too pathetic to move on from you, but you well know you have him in your grasp and after 20+ years it’s just cruelty to take advantage.

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/07/2025 10:10

Yabu. You cheated so you don't get to say when he's done talking about it or when he needs to be over it. However you can decide when you are done talking about it, only way to do this is stop being close with your ex.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 04/07/2025 10:07

If you have been tolerating his constant mentioning of it for so long then i think on some level you feel you deserve it and he is holding some power over you. I think after 20 years he needs to stop mentioning it, if he still hurts from it that's fair enough, you can't tell him how to feel. But you can stop listening to him put you down constantly over it. I'm presuming you have apologised 1000 times already. Yes, you were in the wrong but a 20 year punishment is also wrong.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 10:06

Why not divorce and both enjoy life? This perpetual misery and trauma (on his part) isn't serving either of you.

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 10:00

Loopytiles · 04/07/2025 09:43

Yes, certainly would say the same if the wronged spouse was a woman, had decided to stay in the relationship and still brought it up frequently decades later and even post break up!

We don’t know when he found out
we don’t know how she behaved

powershowerforanhour · 04/07/2025 09:58

"Would you say this to a female poster who couldn’t get over her husband cheating?"

If I had a female cheated-on friend who stayed close to her cheater ex husband and didn't move on to consider dating somebody else, or being properly single herself but who stewed and fretted about the infidelity every time she met up with him I'd say for god's sake just leave properly. If I was friends with him instead yes I'd say for god's just leave, or at least walk off every time she brings it up. If you harrow a field every day the grass can't grow.

Loopytiles · 04/07/2025 09:43

Yes, certainly would say the same if the wronged spouse was a woman, had decided to stay in the relationship and still brought it up frequently decades later and even post break up!

KimberleyClark · 04/07/2025 09:41

powershowerforanhour · 04/07/2025 09:07

"AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?"

I voted YABU because if he's still carefully tending the fire keeping his stew of resentment and misery simmering and bubbling for 20 years, he's never going to get over it. You might as well expect the sun to rise in the west. If you got back together he'd button you into your hair shirt every morning till you're dead of old age. For both your sakes, pull back. If you decide to stay friends then explain once that you don't want to hear it any more because it's achieving nothing. Maybe every time he brings it up, even pointed comments about some celeb infidelity, whatever you're doing just stop. Say nothing just get up immediately and leave your half drunk coffee in the café and go. Put the phone down mid sentence. Spin on your heel, walk back past the duckpond to your car in the carpark get in and drive. Calmly, no talking, no engagement just go, every time. Then he'll either get the message and stop or you can dump him.

Would you say this to a female poster who couldn’t get over her husband cheating?

SuburbanSprawl · 04/07/2025 09:36

You decided to cheat.

He's decided he can't forgive you.

And now we have to decide who's in the wrong here?

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/07/2025 09:35

I don't condone cheating, but it was 20 years ago!

Reduce the contract with him and move on to someone who won't hold the distance past against you.

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 09:27

powershowerforanhour · 04/07/2025 09:23

"Sure you’d be saying that if the sexes were reversed." Yes.

"if you cheat, the risk is that you fuck up your relationship. You can’t control the other person’s reaction." Agree 100% which is why I voted YABU to the OP's question (at the end of her original post, not the AIBU subject title which is a different question).

"Also unless I’ve missed it the OP doesn’t actually say when he found out?"
Good point, if he has just found out that puts a different cast on it.

There’s a lot that the op hasn’t said. A cynic would say that’s so that she gets more favourable responses…

powershowerforanhour · 04/07/2025 09:23

"Sure you’d be saying that if the sexes were reversed." Yes.

"if you cheat, the risk is that you fuck up your relationship. You can’t control the other person’s reaction." Agree 100% which is why I voted YABU to the OP's question (at the end of her original post, not the AIBU subject title which is a different question).

"Also unless I’ve missed it the OP doesn’t actually say when he found out?"
Good point, if he has just found out that puts a different cast on it.

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 09:22

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

Show quote history

You don’t know any of that

did she show remorse, admit it and never see the OM again or did she minimise and refuse to break contact?

Did she rebuild trust or did she refuse to change behaviour at all?

yes it’s a long time ago but you know nothing about how she behaved

PPPPikachu · 04/07/2025 09:22

Let him go.
You cheated, he can’t get over it. If you were going to work it out you would have done by now. It’s been nearly 20 years, forgive yourself and move on.