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AIBU?

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Original poster

to want to stop talking about infidelity.

86 replies

PlainJaneBrain · 04/07/2025 08:23

Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago).

We've remained really close, in fact so much so it gets in the way of either of us really seeing or dating anyone else. I would love the thought of us getting back together, except there literally isn't a day goes by that he doesn't mention my infidelity one way or another, sometimes emotionally, sometimes just in passing or in a matter of fact way. I know he's obviously thinking about it a lot, but it's utterly draining.

AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?

OP posts:
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ZoggyStirdust · 05/07/2025 11:17

PaterPower · 05/07/2025 09:06

The infidelity was “nearly” 20 years ago, fair enough, but that doesn’t mean the husband was told / found out at the time.

He may have only found out two years ago, (hence the split), or OP may even have decided to get it off her chest after they split.

Knowing for two years (or less) and still pissed off / bringing it up - pretty understandable. Knowing for “nearly” 20 years - not so much.

Exactly
now this thread has gone quiet as all the posters jumping on him realise they don’t know this crucial fact, and op hasn’t yet told us.

PaterPower · 05/07/2025 09:06

The infidelity was “nearly” 20 years ago, fair enough, but that doesn’t mean the husband was told / found out at the time.

He may have only found out two years ago, (hence the split), or OP may even have decided to get it off her chest after they split.

Knowing for two years (or less) and still pissed off / bringing it up - pretty understandable. Knowing for “nearly” 20 years - not so much.

GuevarasBeret · 04/07/2025 18:43

Longyitudeed · 04/07/2025 18:34

"Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago)."

Does the above not clearly state the supposed infidelity was 20 years ago, in the first 4 line of the thread?

Happened 20 years ago, husband found out… not actually clear. To me anyway.

Longyitudeed · 04/07/2025 18:34

"Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago)."

Does the above not clearly state the supposed infidelity was 20 years ago, in the first 4 line of the thread?

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 16:07

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/07/2025 16:00

You don't actually say how long he has known. This makes a massive difference.

Yep and one that a lot of posters are just ignoring in their clamour to have a go at him

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/07/2025 16:00

You don't actually say how long he has known. This makes a massive difference.

GuevarasBeret · 04/07/2025 15:42

I cannot believe OP is getting such a hard time here.

Why on earth would you want to get back with him OP, unless to flagellate yourself for eternity on the (at this stage vair vair convenient) mountain of his hurt.

I would have one conversation along the lines of “why are you whining to me about your ex- that you since divorced? I don’t want to hear it, and I am not prepared to talk about this to you. Either I am good enough to be in a relationship with, knowing about the infidelity, or I am not good enough to be in a relationship because of it, in which case find someone else to bore on about it.”

I was the one cheated on, and it really demonstrates something is wrong with him, living in the past looking for an excuse to not ever have to look at himself.

My guess is that if the Infidelity Stick got taken off him, there would be some other defect in your character for him to beat you with.

fount · 04/07/2025 13:31

Setting all else aside, if he hasn't stopped mentioning it after 20 years, it isn't going to happen. If you don't want to hear it, the answer is to put a little more distance in place (emotional, if not physical distance), which will also make it easier to seek a new relationship, if you want one. Now that your children are older, it should be possible, though old habits are hard to break.

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 13:13

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

Show quote history

chat gpt is here

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 13:10

ShoeeMcfee · 04/07/2025 08:42

I was the child whose mother cheated. My parents stayed together because in those days, that's what you did. Every day, for the rest of their lives, my father sniped at my Mother for what she had done. It was bloody rotten for us kids (and her too, no doubt) and I used to long for her to leave him.

The other side of this, in my family's case, is that my dad wasn't really very nice to all of us, even before my mum's affair. She never could have left, though due to old fashioned ideas about what people would say, plus finances.

Anyhow, I say to OP make a clean break. Your DH can't forget (which of course is fair enough) but there's only misery for both if you continue to stay together.

This happened to me only it was my dad. They still live together and constantly snipe

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 13:10

ShoeeMcfee · 04/07/2025 08:42

I was the child whose mother cheated. My parents stayed together because in those days, that's what you did. Every day, for the rest of their lives, my father sniped at my Mother for what she had done. It was bloody rotten for us kids (and her too, no doubt) and I used to long for her to leave him.

The other side of this, in my family's case, is that my dad wasn't really very nice to all of us, even before my mum's affair. She never could have left, though due to old fashioned ideas about what people would say, plus finances.

Anyhow, I say to OP make a clean break. Your DH can't forget (which of course is fair enough) but there's only misery for both if you continue to stay together.

This happened to me only it was my dad. They still live together and constantly snipe

ranthanbore · 04/07/2025 12:47

Oh dear poor you 🙄

ForGreatFox · 04/07/2025 12:41

I’m not going to say what you did is OK because quite frankly I’ve never cheated and I think it’s an awful act of betrayal on the person you’re meant to love the most. Obviously you were wrong.

In the same breath I’m going to say it’s also unfair on both you and your ex to go round in circles. He is clearly still very hurt and I don’t blame him, but I think it is toxic to talk about something that happened 20 years ago every. single. day. It’s exhausting, and no one wants to be reminded of their past constantly.

Someone needs to end the cycle and I think it’s going to have to be you. You need to break it off, once and for all. He is never going to forgive you.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2025 12:37

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 11:27

A mistake implies carelessness normally without bad intent that the person affected would be unreasonable not to forgive and forget. Her husband is unable to do this so they both need to end this weird 'close' relationship and separate properly.

Show quote history

It certainly needs to end. I definitely don't condone cheating. But if someone were to say to me, in the context of an affair, "I made a mistake", I would take it to mean that they recognised that they'd done something stupid *and wrong, not that they were trying to make out that it was akin to knocking over a cup of tea or accidentally backing into a lamppost.

*edited to make it clear that I think that infidelity is wrong as well as unwise

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 12:30

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 11:27

A mistake implies carelessness normally without bad intent that the person affected would be unreasonable not to forgive and forget. Her husband is unable to do this so they both need to end this weird 'close' relationship and separate properly.

Show quote history

Exactly.

One of the reasons I csnt forgive cheating is that it is done in cold blood.

It is not a mistake. It is done consciousnessly and deliberately and requires planning and deception.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 11:27

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2025 11:01

Oh my GOD, how does this level of semantic pedantry help anyone? How is "mistake" the opposite of "decision" or "choice"? A mistake is something that was wrong or misguided, whether it was intentional or accidental. Are people not allowed to say that they wish they hadn't had an affair?

Show quote history

A mistake implies carelessness normally without bad intent that the person affected would be unreasonable not to forgive and forget. Her husband is unable to do this so they both need to end this weird 'close' relationship and separate properly.

lighthouseahoy · 04/07/2025 11:19

You need to move on. He isn't going to get over it, he isn't going to forgive you. So he isn't going to be the partner you want going forwards.

You don't have the power to change him- you can only change one of you in this situation, so do. Stop hanging on for something that isn't going to happen

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 11:18

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

Show quote history

What emotional heavy lifting is OP doing? She doesn't say that she has shown remorse and tried to rebuild trust. Maybe she hasn't done any of those things which is why her ex-DH wanted to split up. It sounds like she just wants him to brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened.

They are separated now. If him bringing up her infidelity annoys her, they can behave like most separated couples do who have grown up kids, i.e. see very little of each other except on special occasions that involve their children.

Longyitudeed · 04/07/2025 11:18

Time to detach.
Its over.
It isn't doing either of you any good to be going over this on a daily basis.

Unhealthy and a bit unhinged.
Time to move on.

MyNavyPlayer · 04/07/2025 11:14

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

Show quote history

Ok ChatGPT. Why not post your own opinion?

daisyviolet · 04/07/2025 11:09

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

Show quote history

What in the chatgpt 😂

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 11:03

Op doesn’t say she regrets it or wishes she hadn’t done it. Only that she wants her ex to stop mentioning it

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2025 11:01

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 10:27

A mistake is, as someone pointed out, socks in the wrong colour wash.
Putting the remote control by the bathroom sink.

Adultery is a conscious, deliberate series of choices, over weeks or months or years, to traumatise a spouse and indulge in lying, STD risks and gaslighting. Very much not a mistake, but an active choice.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh my GOD, how does this level of semantic pedantry help anyone? How is "mistake" the opposite of "decision" or "choice"? A mistake is something that was wrong or misguided, whether it was intentional or accidental. Are people not allowed to say that they wish they hadn't had an affair?

3luckystars · 04/07/2025 10:43

Honesty why did you have the affair?

I know some people think having an affair is the worst crime on earth but I don’t think it’s the worst, I think other things people do in relationships are equally as bad.

TippledPink · 04/07/2025 10:37

Freeme31 · 04/07/2025 10:31

This is a consequence of your utterly selfish actions it doesn’t matter if it was 20 years ago your an obvious failure in that you couldn’t keep your legs shut 20 years ago and failure at get forgiveness. Tou obviously think he should be over it - you don’t get to decide when/how he gets over your affair. Your still acting entitled so no growth the re from you ! Have you worked on yourself and your obviously massive ego. What an entitled individual you are being - has this ever occurrd to you it’s not about you it’s about him and his feelings

Yes so entitled, she should be punished verbally every day for the rest of her life and even in death it should be written on her headstone so everyone knows what a terrible person she is. As someone else said, you get less for murder! At some point a line needs to be drawn or if not, both move on and stop talking to each other.