Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

I wouldn't be thrilled if my daughter in her 20's already had two children with two different fathers. She is probably upset that you've missed out on travel and the chance to build a career. Missing out on milestones such as buying property and marrying someone who actually wants to make you their wife before having children and the legal/financial protections that come with marriage.

The fact she doesn't even know the child's father is telling. They're probably despairing of your choices and don't fancy bankrolling them further. They're also probably nearing retirement, perhaps they planned on enjoying this rather than being obligated to bankroll and provide childcare for another new baby.

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

Sorry trying to catch up with all the messages. I appreciate everyone's input as hard as it is to read some!

Funnily enough I hate running my mum down because yes she does help out but I think we've crossed a line where it takes over. We live close by and it's casual whether she pops up, I pop down, or just text regards school pick up. It does make it easy for me to let her carry on as she seems to want to do these things. I don't actually ask, she has just taken on this role.
I try to utilise this time and then come down later for my son (around dinner time). But now I've decided to stop doing this and take more of the school gate role. At the time it seemed to work as I was able to earn more by working instead but I think I'm switching my priorities now because it's sending the wrong message.

Jesus , you live close to your mum, you pop in and out all the time, yet she hasn’t even met or even heard of the new boyfriend who you are having this baby with ? I get the feeling that your mum does a lot for you, because she has to ,and now you are having another baby with no real stability. I can see why she feels that way.

No, you're right. I didn't do my maths very well!

I doubt she's over 70 when the OP is only 27. You don't need to be over 70 to be tired. I'm not 60 yet and I'm tired.

You need to put some more boundaries in place! It's clear, especially from her applying for your eldest's school place, that she's viewing herself in a parenting role to your kids, and doesn't think you're responsible for them.

Totally fine to rely on her for arranged stuff, or genuine emergencies, but stop the weird pandering to her desire to act like his mum, rather than Grandma.

She shouldn't be having him overnight because she wants him and doesn't trust you to get him to school. Arrange a sleepover night per week when she has him, and he's home with you the rest of the time - (except for emergencies). If she says in front of him about staying over, you say "Silly Grandma, Thursdays are your night to sleepover at hers, she must have forgotten. You're staying at home tonight because it's not Thursday" and repeat to infinity, then say to her separately "Stop inviting him when it's not Thursday. I will keep saying no."
Invite her (and your dad), over to yours for a meal one day a week, and start to prove to them that you can cope on your own. Stop letting her walk all over you and negate your parenting decisions. The stuff that you're currently relying on her for, because it's easier, stop doing and start doing yourself. No big drama, just 'I've got it mum, I've already (done the ironing, made his packed lunch, booked afterschool care). I appreciate your help, but I can handle this'.

Also, prioritise teaching your children the things you feel you missed out on - cooking and cleaning are lovely things for kids to do to genuinely contribute to a household whilst learning life skills, and they can be special quality time. It doesn't have to be all at once but letting your 5 year old dust the coffee table while you hoover, or help to measure and stir whilst you're making a cake will set him up well for a life where you don't feel the need to hover like your mum does.

Maybe your mum is tired.
I mean, literally tired. You say she's retired now, so she must be over 70?

I'll be 70 next year and I'm starting to wind down. I wouldn't cope with school runs every day now, although I'd help when possible.

Sorry trying to catch up with all the messages. I appreciate everyone's input as hard as it is to read some!

Funnily enough I hate running my mum down because yes she does help out but I think we've crossed a line where it takes over. We live close by and it's casual whether she pops up, I pop down, or just text regards school pick up. It does make it easy for me to let her carry on as she seems to want to do these things. I don't actually ask, she has just taken on this role.
I try to utilise this time and then come down later for my son (around dinner time). But now I've decided to stop doing this and take more of the school gate role. At the time it seemed to work as I was able to earn more by working instead but I think I'm switching my priorities now because it's sending the wrong message.

Just to answer a few questions that have popped up.

Both at 21 and now I have lived alone in my own place. In some ways the two relationships are similar, we have our own homes, work, and go on holidays together.

The father is different this time but has a good job, well off which my dad is happy about as he likes to think someone is in a position to be able to "take care of us". My parents are quite traditional.

When I had my first, it was covid time and was offered to move in with them for extra help. Odd times but it was all or nothing. I did and appreciated the help although naturally they've had a big influence right from the start.

I find my mum can be really practically helpful but a bit overbearing. When I had first moved out, she kept inviting me over for dinner every night which I thought was nice but it made it difficult to make my own way in life. Growing up, I never learned basic skills (cooking/cleaning etc.) because she would just do it all, and I felt "in the way". She is the kind to take over and do everything. I had applied to schools for my little one only to find out she had done it as well.

She didn't really like the transition into our own house, saying that she misses him or slightest thing going wrong she will pick him up. She wants him at her house if it's a school night saying "I won't get him there" (I've never not got him to school/nursery). I think she still see's me as the lazy teen who used to sleep in. It has always felt like a battle taking him out of their care rather than supported. I feel like I've been constantly put down saying I "won't cope" to the point I started to believe it!!

As for childcare, my work is flexible and now he's at school I can work around these hours but it is helpful that she doesn't mind picking him up from school so I can work over these hours or of an evening. It's been made easy for me to do so as if anything I feel like a burden coming into their home, "upsetting their routine" as she would say. Sometimes it's great that she seems to like it, telling me stories at the school gate and park they go to and as she's retired, I think in some ways it gives her this purpose. It's hard to create those healthy boundaries, I feel like she wants to take my son and I've been pushed away. Last year she had even booked a holiday for the three of them! I thought we were all invited, took time off work to find out that I wasn't even considered.

Anyway so I definitely have new ideas on the new arrival on how to do things now I know what it's like, but she does seem to have this idea in her head that she's going to have the baby which is perhaps why she reacted like that.

Maybe they should have worked together to build a stable home before bringing another child on the scene.

Sorry trying to catch up with all the messages. I appreciate everyone's input as hard as it is to read some!

Funnily enough I hate running my mum down because yes she does help out but I think we've crossed a line where it takes over. We live close by and it's casual whether she pops up, I pop down, or just text regards school pick up. It does make it easy for me to let her carry on as she seems to want to do these things. I don't actually ask, she has just taken on this role.
I try to utilise this time and then come down later for my son (around dinner time). But now I've decided to stop doing this and take more of the school gate role. At the time it seemed to work as I was able to earn more by working instead but I think I'm switching my priorities now because it's sending the wrong message.

Just to answer a few questions that have popped up.

Both at 21 and now I have lived alone in my own place. In some ways the two relationships are similar, we have our own homes, work, and go on holidays together.

The father is different this time but has a good job, well off which my dad is happy about as he likes to think someone is in a position to be able to "take care of us". My parents are quite traditional.

When I had my first, it was covid time and was offered to move in with them for extra help. Odd times but it was all or nothing. I did and appreciated the help although naturally they've had a big influence right from the start.

I find my mum can be really practically helpful but a bit overbearing. When I had first moved out, she kept inviting me over for dinner every night which I thought was nice but it made it difficult to make my own way in life. Growing up, I never learned basic skills (cooking/cleaning etc.) because she would just do it all, and I felt "in the way". She is the kind to take over and do everything. I had applied to schools for my little one only to find out she had done it as well.

She didn't really like the transition into our own house, saying that she misses him or slightest thing going wrong she will pick him up. She wants him at her house if it's a school night saying "I won't get him there" (I've never not got him to school/nursery). I think she still see's me as the lazy teen who used to sleep in. It has always felt like a battle taking him out of their care rather than supported. I feel like I've been constantly put down saying I "won't cope" to the point I started to believe it!!

As for childcare, my work is flexible and now he's at school I can work around these hours but it is helpful that she doesn't mind picking him up from school so I can work over these hours or of an evening. It's been made easy for me to do so as if anything I feel like a burden coming into their home, "upsetting their routine" as she would say. Sometimes it's great that she seems to like it, telling me stories at the school gate and park they go to and as she's retired, I think in some ways it gives her this purpose. It's hard to create those healthy boundaries, I feel like she wants to take my son and I've been pushed away. Last year she had even booked a holiday for the three of them! I thought we were all invited, took time off work to find out that I wasn't even considered.

Anyway so I definitely have new ideas on the new arrival on how to do things now I know what it's like, but she does seem to have this idea in her head that she's going to have the baby which is perhaps why she reacted like that.

Congratulations OP!

OK, so, this issue is very much your Mum's and your Mum's alone. There is something underlying to with her that she is not sharing.

It could be that reminder of how old she is getting (although most grandparents welcome kids), or it could be how you haven't listened to her advice (from her perspective only) by having another child, or she could be a narcissist, as well as many, many other less obvious reasons.

It's time to be candid. Brutally candid. She is being brutal herself, after all, but not honest. Conversations so far have only beat around the bush and she hasn't been honest and you don't know what to say when she is being that way. You could start by speaking with your Dad and push him HARD to try and get to the truth of the matter, assuming he knows, that is.

I personally would focus on doing your best to work on detaching your emotions when it comes to your Mum's opinions, as that is all they are, opinions (that no one else shares). In this case, they are meaningless. You have nothing to lose as your relationship with your Mum is already broken. So you may as well roll the dice and challenge her, trying to be as matter of fact as possible yourself and really focus on minimising your emotions, if possible. I know it will be hard. I think if you stood up to your Mum sternly and asked her what her real issue is and keep repeating until you pull it out of her, the worst case scenarios is she removes herself for a while and you get breathing space (win-win). The best case is that it resets her cruel thought process and allows a new relationship to grow. It sounds like she needs Therapy.

Personally, I would hit her hard and straight by telling her you do not want to go to Disney with her. SHE, THE REAL CHILD DOES NOT GET TO GO! Unless she honestly and compassionately embraces your new addition and her relationship with you. She is a Bully. You could go with just your partner and children, or you could invite your Dad only. Someone needs to make a stand now, otherwise this will go on for the rest of your life. You only get one life and people that cause us anxiety and misery should be no part of it! Take. A. Stand!

Good luck OP!!!

It isn’t just her Mum’s issue.

I wouldn’t be thrilled if my daughter was a single parent with a 5 year old, and then told me she was having a baby with someone else who she isn’t married to or doesn’t live with. I’d be extremebly upset.

Where’s the stability? Where’s the commitment? DP can walk away tomorrow, he’s not tied down in any way.

As DP has a great job he can buy a ring. He and OP can work together to build a stable home for the two kids.