Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

Obviously the circumstances are far from ideal if the mother has to ask if the OP knows who the father is.
Just at the age where her firstborn will be at school full time , leaving far more room to get a full time job/ upskill/see the wood for the trees in terms of building a more secure and positive future for herself and her one child.....the OP has chosen to get pregnant for another man who she is not either in a stable relationship with and does not meet her needs outside of sex.
I'd be pissed off, too.
Good parents, shit, even most bad parents have a notion of at least WANTING their children to do better than themselves.

She shouldn't have been so negative. I expect she would like you to be married but if you're in a stable relationship, she has nothing to moan about and it isn't her business.

My birthday is a week after Christmas and I have always enjoyed it being so, very much. What difference does it make anyway?

At least your dad was OK about it. Mum will come around but I doubt you'll get an apology.

Would your parents take your son to Disneyland without you (or would you let them)? I doubt you'd feel like going with a young baby.

Congratulations and good luck.

Last year she had even booked a holiday for the three of them! I thought we were all invited, took time off work to find out that I wasn't even considered.

oh to hear the mothers’s version of how this went down in reality

Blimey can I come and live in your perfect bubble. OP is 27 for God's sake! Even IF things aren't perfect she is obviously not going to go asking for help from her Mum.
Congratulations OP, great age to have a baby, good luck with everything 💜

. I had applied to schools for my little one only to find out she had done it as well.

you must think we were born yesterday OP.

Many of us are parents and have applied for schools. We know this is bollox but let’s say it is true…. To me this screams that your mother had no faith that you’d have been bothered to do it.

What is the back story? It's a very unusual reaction from your mum...

@boujeewooje ages are something to consider though, if you’re in your teens and 20s when you have children, your parents will be relatively young usually and their availability for childcare is also limited by that. I wouldn’t be decreasing my work hours at 40 to be involved in childcare for example (unless I could really comfortably afford to).

My Mum is like, we don't talk anymore... sorry Op she sounds bloody awful.

Oh….thank you for clarifying, that’s odd then 🧐

It isn’t possible for a non parent or guardian to apply for a school place for lots of legal reasons.

The bit “yes she may help”, it’s not a prize for OP’s mother. It’s free childcare, I know a lot of people who would give their back teeth for free childcare.

I do think some of the mother’s comments were inappropriate, but in general you have to keep in mind we are hearing one side of a relationship.

DC is 5, at any point prior to this Op could have put him in childcare. Her Mum reacts badly to a pregnancy announcement and now everything the mother has done is being mulled over.

What if what actually happened was the OP got pregnant at 21, couldn’t cope that well with the responsibility of a child on her own at that age and the mother stepped in. The OP’s mum did what had to be done at the time, while at the same time gas grown to love DG.

I do think it’s important not to rely too much on your parents to help with childcare, as tempting as it may be it is clearly blurring the boundaries and your mum is in her own mind taking control of things.

On the one hand I can see she has really helped a lot, but on the other hand there are some red flags that just can’t be explained by her doing lots of childcare. Applying to schools without mentioning it to you? Booking a holiday for your child without including you, or even communicating that? Those are extremely odd choices. Unacceptable to me. So I would step back.

Does the father of your second child have plans to move in and see his child full time?

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!

Its Time for your Emancipation @Familydrama25 Pull back.

You say you don't want to run your DM down, but I define running down as what she is doing to you. Highlighting real, or often perceived flaws to undermine confidence

I don't think you are doing that. I think you are looking at her behaviour and deciding that you don't like the way she's treating you.

Her reaction to your announcement that your son will have a sibling was simply atrocious and reminded me of the mean reaction to my last pregnancy. It was cruel and hurt you and she knew it.. but expressing her resentment and contempt are the priority to her. She really wants you to know. Not only that but she absolutely knows if she says something cruel, you are often taken aback and so hurt its hard to respond and so she's free to enjoy herself throwing further barbs.

I couldn't help thinking how a person would want someone close to them to respond to a pregnancy announcement.. with a hug or Congratulations. Even if they have concerns.. why not voice them rationally.. her objection.."Oh its going to spoil Christmas/our holiday at Disney" is all about her"

This is a HUGE wake up call.
You have identified what she's like and how she treats you. Now you can decide how you react the things you don't like about it and how you manage or "renegotiate" your relationship in future.

She's one of those people who insist on having full on access to your child. Booking holidays with him and omitting to say you are not invited is NOT on.
She has taken over things without asking, commenting that you wouldn't get him to nursery was a) false and b) undermining and c) her attempt to justify that she is in charge and you have no say.

You know complaining about your age 26/27. Its utterly ridiculous. Did she expect you to wait until your son was 10? 15? or remain an only child.

Yes she may help out... but this is completely overbearing, coupled with her obvious resentment and cruel comments it speaks to her character. I would want her much less involved and to understand that you are the mother and she can't just override you or make decisions without consulting you at all. Applying to schools without telling you when you'd already applied to the schools you wanted is shocking. Has she applied to the same schools as the child's guardian? I'd look into sorting out the impact of double applications. Its unhinged.

You've got to be an advocate for your son and newbie. You don't want him to grow up taking in the remarks that say you are incompetent and not capable and that he must defer to her as the higher authority. If it were a DH that would doing that, people would say its setting a really bad example to the child and criticise him for it.

I don't think it's worth making a big statement about it.. Just quietly and firmly take back control. You are paying a very high price for her help. You have to consider if this treatment is worth it.
Having a good calendar planned out that you have to consult before agreeing to surprise requests helps. Make your own plans for things in advance and don't change them unless you really want to. So you can confidently say No.. we are doing xyz that weekend. Or No it's all arranged. in other words ReEducate. You are not 21 now, you are 27 with your own home and career.

You would really benefit from assertiveness training or reading to give you some tools. I wouldn't let put down comments pass to "keep the peace" even in front of your DC.. You know what she's like so calmly and quietly have some shutting the conversation down phrases up your sleeve... like "I prefer to do it that way." some comment about how its wrong. "Never the less that is how we will be doing it." kind of thing. Not arguing but stating.. and then if it continues. " I'm not engaging with you on this if you are going to be so nasty about it, its a bad example for DC. "
She won't like it but she doesn't like what you say/do much anyway it seems, so you may as well try. I'm not suggesting doing any of this in a hostile way, that's her jam, but calmly regaining control of your parenting and how you want to live.
Hopefully you can make things more bearable without a complete shut down.

Do you have other friends/relatives that you can lean on for decent, kind support instead? You dad sounded a bit more helpful.
Best of luck and wishing you a smooth pregnancy.

Could it be that it is different? The vibe in providing childcare for two older independent adults Vs a young single mother is different. While every situation is individual a younger single mother is more likely to need more significant help.
I don’t fully disagree with you though - getting the same help might be viewed differently.

It’s possibly somewhat moot though as the mother’s first reaction didn’t mention childcare. She said “Why?”. That could be the reaction of her feeling worn out by childcare, or it could be worry for or frustration at her daughter.

But again, I know plenty of married, professional couples in their 30s/40s who have a baby then use grandparents as part of their childcare plan when they go back to work. A friend is late 30s and has just returned to work on a part-time basis (teacher), her daughter is spending one day with her mother, one day with her husbands parents and one day at nursery each week. So significant family help. She wants one more child in a couple of years but I wouldn’t expect them to react as OPs parents have?

I feel like grandparent help with childcare is pretty normal but just spun differently if the mother is younger or single, even though it’s the same thing.

Read this book to help you understand:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

You'd be surprised. I knew someone who had two children (different mum's, same dad) and the grandparents on the dad's side have been very involved in one child's life and not at all in the other (both mothers were open to the grandparents being involved). I don't know what the deal was that they preferred one child to the other. Strange situation.

She sounds horrible!!!

Congratulations OP xx

To coin a phrase I learnt on Mumsnet: "Who pissed on her chips??"

So what if the OP’s partner has good job. He lives independently from her.

Would I expect my daughter to never have another baby, no. But I would expect her to proceed with caution given she is already responsible for one child who I help care for. So, at an absolute minimum I’d expect a sign of serious commitment from DP. And preferably a marriage and stable accommodation.

DC was born during covid, 6 years ago so will be at school?

It was a big message your bf not being there for the announcement and shows that you are not doing this together as a solid couple.

If you have one child already, are not living together, he hasn't had time to adjust/prove himself in the step-dad role before committing to him with another child, or you haven't been together for long enough for that, I can see why she is worried for you and her existing dgc.

But it also sounds like you do not have clear boundaries for when she is overstepping with your current child and there isn't a clear understanding that she is does not need to do everything she does for you if she doesn't want too as you have got it covered.

I suspect she doesn't have confidence (whether that is fair or not only you know) in your capability to independently support and make the best decisions for your existing child and a pg in these circumstances is only going to confirm that again for her.

This and also why does this PP keep referring to the parents as ‘bankrolling’ op and her kids? Nowhere has this been mentioned? 😵‍💫

I know of plenty of parents in their 30s/40s who are married/good careers, have a baby and enlist both sets of grandparents to do weekly childcare when they return to their jobs, what is the problem with that? They can say no.

I can relate in some ways- we were a similar age when we had our first baby and my in-laws just thought we were far too young to be responsible parents and everything/anything we did was questioned, unwanted ‘advice’ constantly given and lots of incorrect assumptions about what we were/weren’t doing. I remember MIL being aghast and making a big deal that I wasn’t weaning until 6 months. It didn’t matter how many times I explained why it went in one ear and out the other. In her mind I was being silly and immature and making an uneducated choice to the detriment of my baby. This is just one example but it was stuff like that all the bloody time. She had zero faith or trust in anything we were doing.

Reading your initial posts I assumed you must be living with your parents for that sort of reaction. I think your mum is being out of order. Yes we would all like our children to be in the perfect set-up of married, career etc when they have children but it doesn’t give you any right to kick off and be rude when this doesn’t happen.

You sound horribly enmeshed with your parents.
I would start distancing yourself and setting boundaries.